Just like a “pin ball” machine… NM

Thursday, January 10th, 2019

“We do not have control over many things in Life and Death but we do have control over the meaning we give it”
~ Nathalie Himmerlich ~

Lance 8

That is what Life seems to be. Quarters are not even enough anymore. It takes much more to just stay afloat. We keep hitting those side buttons as fast as we can, we shake the machine every which way possible thinking we are helping our game, wrongly so as we tilt it and Life suddenly stops to our surprise which should not be. The bumpers roll us right and left, backwards and too often when forward that shiny scratched covered steel ball, our own daily momentum, drops in the hole. We are done. We have to start over. We do get a few chances but free games are rare. We can’t stop as if we do, defeated we will walk out our head down through that exit door which behind it nothing awaits for us. So hard to accept defeat while never truly understanding its concept. It is actually very simple. We either win or lose. There is no in between, no gray areas, and being on that podium eternally is harder than hard.

Lance 7 

Januaries are part of that difficult path. Lance experienced the year 2004 for only a few days. That was 14 years ago and it does not seem as an eternity but just as if it was yesterday. I cannot imagine him being now 40, I only see him as the strong young man he still was at 26 and yet defeated by his illness. We ran out of quarters. We ran out of everything we could input to make him better. The avenue became a one way street as suddenly the thick wall made of bricks with each single one of them being a hope we carried appeared in front of us, that barrier, and we knew then he would not go any further even if our hopes were always present and yet today had moved away, each single one of them. A stop sign was not even necessary. It is an amazing aspect for us Humans while knowing the end result we still always hope for that miracle, that “maybe”, that “if only…”. What else can we do but hang on to that thin thread daily unraveling until we reach its end and suddenly our hand holding it is empty. It not only empties our hand but our own soul while we then feel the enormity of that present we are ourselves still part of but he is not. Vanished, gone, no return ticket, just a one way trip to…

Lance 5

I am numb, I am too often lost and yet I cannot allow it to be as such. I look for more quarters but they are rare, hidden throughout my today’s priorities as even when I find one or two they don’t matter as much. The game has lost its value, Life can tilt continuously and it will not matter. Strength takes much more than those quarters. It takes everything my inners possess, every single ounce and even that is often not enough. The arcade is suddenly empty with just this one pin ball machine I stare at which by now is broken and no one is showing up to fix it while I have been waiting for those 14 years. Even the crowds are gone. Let it be. I never expected anyone to understand anyhow. It is more than personal. It is engrained throughout every mental particles of my mind and they keep growing, they keep getting heavier as the knot in my stomach is. It is helplessness, these days are its definition. Words are not even necessary as that hole awaits while I try to keep rolling and hit some bumpers as myself under that glass not knowing when I will drop in it.

Lance 3

I sit often only abled by my weight just like the mass of a statue while I look up to the skies and repeat too often “I just don’t know…” while truthfully I do know there is nothing to know. I need a Friend, I need a big hug and share the tears but I am better off alone while hope replenishes. I like helping others wearing the same size shoes as this gentleman who is going to call me today or tomorrow as his Son just as Lance was, is half way there. What a horrible way to put it yet it is an ugly reality. What am I going to tell him? I cannot share my path through the valleys with him, only the one on the peaks of these imaginary mountains I like to be on while closer to this infinite Universe we belong to. Yet, if it is indeed infinite I am really not any closer. I however already know, as it is the only way I know, that I will be honest as much as my words will hurt. He still has no clue that Life will slap him with the most strength ever was.

Lance 6

I have a clock on my wall now. Obviously a cheap clock as I hear the ticking of every second going by always hoping it is going backwards and not forward as it is. Again, another lost hope as its impossibility is more than present because I know that is. I see it. There are some aspects of Life where there is no guessing. We still do though while knowing too well the outcome, it is Human nature to do so. Back to the “maybe” and “only if…”. Too much time has passed to fool myself from this present reality. Only the hope of my own Life remains and even that is a daily uncertainty. That is just how it is… No more, no less.

Lance 1 

Stay well,
              Ara and Spirit [R.I.P. 04~04~2018]

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10 Responses to “Just like a “pin ball” machine… NM”

  1. judith Says:

    How beautiful he is. The word loss does not quite cover it.
    And you yourself still have love for others and a big heart, though wounded it may be. A way to spread Lance’s spirit and Spirit’s spirit. Worth doing.

  2. Nicky Says:

    Because of my profound gratitude for this chance to live where I do, it’s rare for me to wish that I were somewhere else. Yet after reading this page in your journal I found myself wishing… that I was there with you…to be the friend to hug you and share the tears.

    Ara,I do not live with your mind, body, emotions, soul, or heart. So I will not pretend to understand precisely what you are living with, I do not know it’s weight with it’s ability to make you to feel “the game has lost it’s value”. I can, though, and do, recognize it all as being so much like what my own journey has held that if we shared them, our tears could be drawn from the same well.
    Sometimes, just having someone be there is all one wants or needs…

    Then we pick ourselves up, and like it or not, know it’s time to move along. Part of that may be checking what’s been written on this page. Hopefully, you are in a place where my words will not seem to be unwanted advice. Really, I only intend to share a bit about my story.

    One day in January a few years ago I looked at my husband’s coat still hung over the back of a kitchen chair. He had placed it there after a terribly hard day at work, on the previous evening, a few hours before he died. As I saw that winter coat, I knew he would no longer need to wear it, and suddenly I realized something that has helped me every day since then-
    that if I could have asked God to send him back,and then have him given back to me, I would not ask.

    Because like all human beings he had experienced troubles, struggles, pain and lack while he lived on this earth. Yes, he had also had happy, carefree, and healthy times. Yet the after-this-one-eternal life that I believe in is one without pain or sorrow, needs there never go unmet.

    When I thought about his finally having everything I tried to give him, I realized that even if I could somehow, I would not take that away from him, in order to regain the happiness I had by having him here with me.
    The twenty two years of knowing each other, being in love and how we spent that time was a gift that we made the most of. Now it’s up to me to make the most of other gifts as I receive them.
    Some days I do better at that than I do on days when I feel little enthusiasm because sorrow, pain and being tired of trying to “do it all right” by myself wears me down.
    Believing there is a reason I am still here, I know there must still be value in each day as it plays out. I actively seek that, and am often awed by what I experience. I had to learn to go on, rest when I am tired, but not quit.

    Not knowing what my husband’s future here on earth would have been like, and mine with him, had he lived until a ripe old age, I do not know what hardship he may have been spared, or what wonderful times he may have missed, by leaving this earth so soon. What I do know is the meaning he gave to his life- give all the love and energy you can spare to make Life better for another, and encourage them to pass it on.

  3. Rebecca Stamos Says:

    That’s a beautiful picture. Try to keep your face to the sun. Look for beauty, take care of yourself, spring will be here soon. Rebecca

  4. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Life becomes so complex, doesn’t it? I always felt regardless that it is indeed our responsibility, as Humans. to go on doing the best we can even if the reminders are scattered here and there and that is a good thing. Just a simple company of a person such as you of course would help but that is not the case. I wonder why sometimes? No family, no siblings, nothing! Just me and myself. I guess that was the design and acceptance is the key. I am in the best space I could be with now a home, a car, food, medical… And if I say “what else could I ask for?” well, the reality of the list is long but unrealistic. So? I feel fortunate having this Journal as my sounding board, help others as much as I can as they in turn do help me and people like you writing uplifting my moments. I hope I can return the favor. Thank You from the bottom of my Heart.

  5. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Hi Judith… Yes, I do find it worth doing for myself and for others that maybe benefit from the situation. We can’t shut down. What a waste it could then be. Lance was inside out truly a beautiful young man, a miracle, “magic” as I always thought. The magic is still present within his memories. That is the best Life is going to now offer and has offered. Thank You always for writing. Stay well.

  6. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Spring will be here soon… yes! As much as I look forward to it I also cannot lose sight of the present… Have a great day and stay well.

  7. Melanie Kramme Says:

    Very handsome thanks for sharing – I can tell he was a kind soul!

  8. Ara & Spirit Says:

    He was Melanie… Thank You.

  9. Jen Chambers Says:

    Thank you for sharing photos of Lance and writing about him. I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and I don’t remember you opening up this much. Thank you for trusting all of us with your thoughts.

  10. Ara & Spirit Says:

    I am guessing much more introspect when in a house? More time for thoughts to germinate? Stay well. Ara

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