Archive for the ‘grieving’ Category

Point of impact… NM

Friday, August 31st, 2018

A well received gift from years back.

“As I live out my Life, I would be wise to remember that the size of my shoe does not dictate the depth of my print”

~ Craig D. Lounsbrough ~

Old Faithful’s plate finally expired.

I have often heard from many how they feel when returning home after a couple weeks vacation, sometimes just a weekend gateway. Maybe even more if fortunate enough to take a month or two off. They are not “present” coming back into the environment they call home. Physically they are, but yet with a touch of “zombie illness” while their mind is still lingering on the peaks of their past and short journey. Quite often their photography is the proof of it as they spend their evenings browsing through them with “Oh’s” and “Ah’s”, children looking up over their shoulders sounding as a background musical entity. Now, imagine if that vacation was 12 years long, imagine if you had spent over 4000 nights under the stars and the one gygabite worth of photos had crawled under your skin and blended with your mind taking up as much room as it could turning your present reality into shock not letting you apply yourself towards your day in and day out responsibilities we encounter, the ones we have to as a must take care off if we want our lives to move on forward towards the next vacation.

Spreading over five counties, the Forest starts just a few miles from here.

That is where I still am after 14 months in Alamogordo! Yet, I have to remind myself daily how fortunate I am considering how much suddenly [?] the body needs “fixing” to have a home and even a car all close to medical care, food stores and a ray of sunshine in my days while able to wander the forest roads just a few miles from here. I chip at the present one day at the time as my daily prescription called “hope” keeps me going. And all is okay because it has to be. Negativity never enters my mind. This is one’s Life evolution moving on forward regardless of the changes happening. What would be the alternative? As I often described… sit in a corner staring at the walls and crying my eyes out? Pounding the floor with my fists? It would only hurt more! How ironic that they are the the exact same thoughts I had after Lance passed away and Spirit and I took off sometimes feeling like two fools not even knowing where we were going! But at least we were going and more importantly “we went” forward, not backwards. I don’t like the “reverse” gear in Life. I actually think mine is broken.

Hundreds of free off the grid campsites are all North, East and South of us.

With well maintained County roads rarely needing four wheel drive.

It is the little things which still amaze me and don’t take for granted. The little things I have purchased and when taking them out of the box at home thinking out loud “Oh!oh! this has to be the point of no return…” and I do smile at the thought. My first was a red toaster. Everybody has a toaster… right? I had not for so many years. What would I do with a toaster on the road while off the grid? Months have gone by and that little fellow still amazes me while turning my slices of bread or bagels into that crispy and warm experience. This is all so silly! Isn’t it? A television!!! Seriously. It brings the world’s scenery into my living room through documentaries, unfortunately with no smells. I look at that “thing” which occupies half of my wall, or so it feels, and remember when with some help one evening it came out of the box as I took a couple steps back and felt it as a root that will never get off the ground. It was on sale! 55″ HDTV and I don’t know what other abbreviations it calls for. I do know I can immerse myself in it through the one channel I have, Netflix. Now “that” is the point of no return. A refrigerator… a washer… an oven… I know! You all have those, have had those probably for the length of your existence.

And only a few miles away is a great Pizza at the new opened “Cloudcroft Brewing Company”.

But, I am wrong as I slipped. My reverse did not engage, my neutral did. My hopes became murky as these walls seemed to turn this 750 square feet shelter into a 200 square feet one and I am being generous. It has been for me the perfect example of mind over matter. The news of my “matter” just kept getting worse. The spine surgeon discovered both screws being loose, not just one. A frontal X-Ray showed a spine in an S shape, a letter which could start a few words I will not write here! I just got back from that lovely experience of an MRI where even in the midst of all the loud whistles and bells I was luckily able to escape and mentally be somewhere else. That will be the last exhibit my Dr judge and executioner will decide upon my faith. But I do seriously know that two loose screws are not going to be tightened up with a seance of voodoo! Smart me, [I hope!] I decided to attack this hurtle through also consecutively another front, an ablation of the spine nerve ending. It all sounds like a bad episode of Star Treck hoping again it’s finality will bring on a happy ending. Some day!

Or making Sushi at home since finding AAA Sushi Grade Tuna and Salmon.

While taking care of a beautiful Orchid which was gifted not too long ago.

One might think I might be complaining. I am not. I have a new Friend on the East Coast who is in much worse shape than I am, a Friend who has also experienced human and dog losses as I have and her often concern is not herself but myself. Such an unselfish “Being” more concerned about others than her own condition which extremely humbles me. As they say, “there is always someone worse off than yourself”, a saying to never forget while sometimes one might drop head down into that tumultuous feeling of being sorry for themselves whirlpool aspect. Memories holds us up. I had the odd inner discovery the other day that I have lived many lives. Not in the number of years but in the different geographical and mental episodes, chapters. Sometimes since then I have even asked myself if it was really me? All these years with Spirit, Spirit the trooper, the pioneer of the sidecar dogs, those were quite some years I must say! They were truly achieved with a “one day at the time” mental approach. The stage then on jumps towards the 26 years I had the privilege of having a wonderful Son and while self employed exercising daily my passion for cooking as a Personal Chef for the wealthy and not so famous! So much happiness as living in the clouds was present. Again I have to pinch myself. Born and raised in France for almost three decades! Is that were I really come from? Africa, the Middle East, so much traveling by boat, hitchhiking, flying… Exposed to so many Cultures, Civilizations compartmentalized within their different and unique set of rules I learned to respect and understand each of them.

Mother Nature at work…

And as sometimes the above is a conversation with the few Friends I have, the funniest question is always “what made you move to Alamogordo?”… as I reply “it was an accident”, only because I truly don’t have another answer.

What other reason would I have to make a home near by?

Stay well, Ara.



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