Happy Birthday Lance, Texas
Monday, October 13th, 2008
The receiver went cold, the sound faded away as an animated object cold and heartless. I relive that moment over and over. The mind has this ability to transport us so vividly, so true to form to those dark markers that never fade away. It was seven years ago when my Son’s voice blurred out “Dad, they found out that I have Cancer”. My heart jumped a beat and froze in the moment transported suddenly in this vacuumed and deserted space. Why did I not think it would be benign? Why wasn’t it there a sense of forgiveness? How did I know those words echoed of its terminality? I am not a fatalist… I am a positive person… or am I? or was I? Seven years and today has brought another Birthday.
I want to smile from fear that Lance is watching me and the last thing I want him to be is upset at my own day passing by, sitting here in the Desert, today with murky skies and for the first time the clouds are hanging so low that the rays of Sunshine are barely making their way to "The Oasis", as not wanting me to rest my body tired from its emotions. “Tired”… a word unknown to me for so many years and now slowly but surely taking over the past moments that had been filled with so much energy. “Tired” as at times I only look forward to the simple act of sleeping, being unconscious of my surroundings and this test of endurance itself. Maybe waking up surprised that all this has only been a bad dream, a chapter we will be able to delete and relive the happiness that prevailed throughout the not so distant past.
But I know it is not so, I know it so well and speechless in this turmoil all I can find to say is “Damn”… Not a word part of my vocabulary, but I cannot find any others that will go so deep into my exasperation.
How about those eyes? How about that hair? How about that look? That little “mischievous” mind of a child at one time creating so many smiles… I can only alone today take a glance at those photos as I cannot stare at them too long. All so distant and yet so close, but not close enough. I am going back to those days past, that moment when the shutter exposed the image. That was the Life… I was always so amazed to feel, touch and Love my own flesh and blood. I saw it for the first time as a “miracle” of Life.
We had created a Human Being, how incredible that notion is when one thinks how we go on about creating “objects” and “things”. The magic of it all. And I do think about all the good times, think about the ‘chance’ that I have had to be the recipient and the donor of such affection in the midst of our relationship. Bad times were good times, all times were good, all obstacles are to be surmounted, we can only try over and over.
Bossing his cousins around!
And yet, from your absence Lance your touch has never left me. You have made me a believer of a “Spirit” never leaving the stage they have been on. I know you are looking upon me and guiding my steps and what an irony that your “presents” are more today that they ever have been. I try not to let you down as at times it becomes harder than hard to do so. Will make it through this one also as resting here I feel closer to you than ever.
I received this beautiful poem this morning from my Friend Kathy who has also experienced her own loss, I will share it now…
"Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the quick uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die."
Mary Frye 1932
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Happy Birthday Lance
Ara & Spirit
October 13th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Ara, you have loads of friends that are with you in your sorrow,parents never forget. But we are here for you. Dee
October 13th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Oh my gosh. Your post brings tears to my eyes and a big painful lump in my throat. Thanks for posting the pics of Lance today. What a precious boy he was and such a fine, handsome young man he became. I know you have a heavy heart today, Ara. Embrace your memories. Shed the tears that are right there just below the surface, the ones you keep stuffing down day after day. It’s okay. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a human being. Unfortunately, you have earned the right to grieve in any way you choose. I, and many others I’m sure, wish there was a way to ease your pain, but I know from experience that’s impossible. Just know that there are so many out here pulling for you, praying for you, wishing a lighter heart for you in the days to come. I am going to include a poem from my son’s memorial service program. Even though it’s sad it was something I re-read countless times and it seemed to help me get through some very black days. Hugs Ara.
IF I WAS YOUR CHILD
If I was your child
and I had died,
I’d look down from Heaven
and see how you’ve cried.
I’d see all your sorrow
and feel all your pain.
I’d wish I could make you
feel happy again.
I’d gently remind you
that I’m God’s child too,
and he had his reasons
to take me from you.
If I was your child
and we were apart
I’d want you to fill up
the hole in your heart
with memories of good times
and happier years,
and I’d send all my love
to dry up your tears.
Author unknown.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Ara as always my thoughts go out to you on Lance’s birthday. The pictures you posted of him are wonderful. What a sweet boy he must have been. I hope you can find peace somehow on this day. Big hugs from me…
Ginny
October 13th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
What to say? I too understand your loss (my daughter, who was 20 died in a car accident in 2000) and know that nothing really can be said to ease the pain. I would like to say though that you have created a very nice tribute to your son with your words and pictures. As always, you have expressed yourself in a way that most cannot. I appreciate your talent with words and pictures so much.
October 13th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
The photos you have posted showed Lance as a very sweet little boy that grew into a very handsome man. Thank you for sharing pictures of your precious son with us.
I bet Lance is very proud of you.
Pat
October 13th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
What a lucky man you are for having had such a beautiful little boy. What a lucky little boy for having had you as his father. Many warm thoughts are going your way.
October 13th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Wishing I was close enough to Texas to offer you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. You are in my thoughts on this sad day, my friend.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I hope that you got through yesterday ok.
Give Spirit a hug. My dogs always make me feel better.
Pat
October 14th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Oh Ara…I both cried & smiled at the beautiful pictures & memories you generously shared with all of us, of your beloved Lance. Thank You for sharing. Please know that you are in my thoughts. Starla
October 14th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Ara, this post brought tears to my eyes. How I wish I had the words to write something comforting to you. I can understand your pain and sorrow. I do know that somewhere lance is out there looking down on you and smiling know that his dad loves so very much.
Julie
October 14th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Thanks for sharing.
You and Lance are in my thoughts.
October 14th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Hi Ara,
We are thinking about you. Truly sorry about your enormous loss.
Regards,
Danie&Caren
October 18th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Thinking of you and celebrating Lance.
There were so many times I wished that Lance was sitting at breakfast with us during that very short weekend in Utah. Laughing with us…remembering and trying to understand. About 30 minutes into breakfast…when you and I ordered the same thing:)…and your eyes watered for the first time, it hit me. Of course he’s with us. He is in every single one of your looks and words…witty comments, tears…smiles. I never felt his absence. When someone can create such a vivid memory, forgiveness is not needed.
He’s beautiful…bittersweet feeling as I am getting ready to celebrate Mischa’s birthday on Monday. Both my nephews…feels nice saying that:) were born about a week apart. I will always celebrate both miracles.
Love Always
Sarine
xox
August 18th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Hi Ara, I know you from pitbullforum.com and I just happened upon this post about your son Lance.
I grew up right around the corner from Lance in SF. He and my brother were best friends for many years.
I moved out of the city many years ago and had heard the news of Lance’s passing from my brother.
What a small world this really is. I am deeply sorry for your loss. We have many fond memories of Lance.
~ Jen