Tiring Winter! NM

Thursday, February 14th, 2019

“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worse moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The Spring will come”
~ Robert H. Schuller ~

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Photos from a short visit to Jerome, AZ

I am aware it is just me feeling as such. Maybe not? Circumstances have changed, age has creeped up so slowly, yet, finally has made its mark on incoming nights and days and non acceptance would only be a futile avenue of escape. I wrote “so slowly” but, and there is always a “but”, comes that day when the changes are finally hanged on my daily walls and none of it seems as it was “so slowly”, instead feels as it has been an overnight change. It is a bit like witnessing your children grow, your pets age. The occurrence is non present daily until the day it hits you that yes, your child is five feet tall and your dog has grey hairs. Yet, I feel as I am on vacation! My ablations are over even if not much help in that department, my dental for now is also over and so is my diet dropping from 190 to 160~165. I give myself five pounds to as I call it “play with” meaning splurging on a great Pizza in Cloudcroft at times. It did not take long, a couple months and did not seem much like a diet, only watching my calories, bad carbs and fat intake. My next blood test hopefully will show better results in the cholesterol and triglyceride department.

IMG_0481 Great BBQ in Jerome, AZ. Outrageously expensive!

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  I do feel freer than ever. If only I knew what to do! It is still too cold for camping as I have been transformed into a fair weather camper and so it is home, it is Alamogordo and its mountains not yet quite yet welcoming. That would be the forest roads. Photos are rare as the camera hangs on the wall unused with its fully charged battery and empty memory card but soon, a short ride to Prescott and Jerome to visit some good Friends should change that aspect. Maybe it is okay to not do a thing. A still new concept for me. Clean house? Cook? Food shopping? Laundry? Done and done again. Watch another movie? My tolerance is short for sitting and looking at that screen as nice as it is and so sharp. Actually I would say pretty amazing. Maybe I just was not designed to do nothing while my Life itself has been pretty busy and I must say pretty rewarding when I watch the reruns of my past memories over and over. Was it really me riding a camel with a tribe of Bedouins in the Sahara Deserts? Or riding a motorcycle on the fabulous roads of the European Alps? A weekly day trip to Paris as we did not live far from it? As some Friends ask me “what are you doing in Alamogordo?”. Where else should I be? It fulfils my “needs” as transformed from “wants” and actually have become “musts”.

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I do feel as my world as shrank. I know I will apply myself as much as possible to get back on the road for short bursts, yet I also know it will not be the same without Spirit and Old Faithful. I am slowly getting into the “dog mode”. Versus in earlier times I am thinking about it much more. I am always disturbed with myself when I think to the fact that I am enjoying what I now call my “dogless freedom”. I am told however that it is normal to feel as such. It is a lonely freedom however. Very lonely without a live presence of four legs hovering around me. I am getting this feeling that soon it will happen. When I start looking forward to it I know that “that time” is approaching. And then there is a new pastime as in more photos on the wall when Walgreen has a sale on their prints as they do a really nice and inexpensive job. That took some time off the day…

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I have been lately thinking if I am really OCD as sometimes I claim to be as a joke and a bit seriously. I look up its definition:

“Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which time people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions) that make them feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing, checking on things or cleaning, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions.”

Well, I am glad to have looked it up as I stand corrected and was a sigh of relief realizing that indeed I am not OCD. Of course at the same time, if I was, who cares? That has been my approach to Life these past few years and even more so these past few months. They say “it is never too late…” as I do agree with certain exceptions. I will however never be twenty again at the start or more so in the midst of forging my character and personality. That one, those, are too late. But, I am not OCD and here I was telling my Friends, especially the ones visiting me, that I was. I am “controllable”.

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I do however like everything clean and at its place. Yes. That aspect having much to do with my Culinary studies in Switzerland. No better teachers for sure. The kitchen is a great example which we were taught to always consider it as a lab, an immaculate lab all ingredients throughout their sometimes lengthy preparations ending up in our body. Body which should be and is our own temple. After these years on the road I thought I was “kind of” over it but I am not. I can’t stand anyone else in my kitchen… What else can I say? It is the truth and as a joke always add “especially if a knife is laying around”.

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     There was a choice…

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     …yet, locked.

The same is as the rest of the house. Everything has its place within more or less an inch for it to be just right. Yet, I also realize that I had the same compulsion when camping. It truly is a must to know where everything is while twelve bags are strapped to the motorcycle and sidecar. I had my black book which I still have and in it where the list of bags by color and position and everything that was in them. Yet, that was not enough. I also had a list of everything we possessed cross referenced to a bag. Double whammy. Any aspect of living as such, whether home, on the road, in a camper or sailboat I feel is actually the lazy way to live while knowing at any given time where everything is versus searching for hours one needed item. Of course everything has to go back into its place. That is the key. I have at times been lazy and just thrown one item in just any bag. It took me hours to find it again… That was a lesson learned. Getting back to the house aspect I do have a little sign outside by the door with a red tape under it which says “Thank You for removing your shoes”. It is a custom adopted in many countries and by my family for sure. Half of who I see on the streets have the wonderful habit of spitting! I know I step on it every day. Do I really want to bring in such filth? Take a shower and barefooted walk on a floor walked on by shoes I use for the outdoors? That thought alone raises the hair on the back of my neck…

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I also, and this is an old Inca family tradition, when on the road and ready to go, jacket on, helmet in hand, sit for five minutes or so to look around and at the same time think about the journey ahead of us, was “us”, for this particular day. It is a mental “thing”. I have more than once found items left behind a log or a standing tree. It is not as bad as before however as I still cannot find the correct word for my condition. “Neatness”? I am finding so many myths about OCD which does not apply to me. Where is the fault of liking everything at its place, clean and neat? I think it is just a Lifestyle in that certain departments of our Life.

Stay well, Ara and Spirit
Spirit, R.I.P. 04~04~2018

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3 Responses to “Tiring Winter! NM”

  1. Nicky Says:

    Usually a few years ago (and only a few times recently) I quite comfortably left home in a hurry with just my keys and wallet. Now, far more often I methodically go over my mental checklist before walking out my front door. Have I left enough fresh water and food where the two sweet cats I rescued can access what they will need while I am away? Double check that the stove and oven are fully turned off, that the refrigerator and freezer doors are firmly closed, that nothing is out of place, that I have left a light on in case I return after sunset, that I have my keys, wallet, gloves, smartphone, a beverage to carry…finally I’m ready to leave .

    That change came about essentially after my husband and two dogs passed away. Perhaps part of me has not gotten over that what mattered so much to me kept disappearing from this earth … now I feel a sense of peace knowing everything is in it’s place, and hope it will be the next time I look around me.

    Having a clean and orderly home has been something I have enjoyed throughout my childhood and my life as an adult, too. When my heart was unbroken I was not, however, particularly anxious if after a very busy day or week things were in need of cleaning or needed to be reorganized. What mattered was that we all were together, happy to be so, and had the basic necessities in place- food, water, a place to sleep.

    Having things a certain way lends a sense of security to our lives, Ara. It can replace at least a part of the security that was taken away after one too many goodbyes. I do my best to focus on what is here now that I can love and enjoy. it has helped me heal, enjoy this part of the journey, and, Hurray!- I even went out on this rainy day without grabbing an umbrella.

    It’s wonderful to know you are healing and in better shape to greet springtime’s soon arrival. Our brains know when our heart, soul, mind and body need rest or soothing and will do their best to help us heal and get relief. Sometimes that is done by reminding us to check that everything we need is here, that, indeed, at the moment, all’s right in our own little world .Perhaps an alternative expression for your “Neatness” to describe the condition might be ” Being right where and how you should be ”

    Stay well, and thank you for sharing your journal once again.

  2. Randy Reynolds Says:

    A place for everything and everything in its place.

  3. Ara & Spirit Says:

    You are so right Nicky. It is a Peace of Mind which falls in the “routine” department.
    I heard an expression the other day which hit me hard as pure reality “there is no one left to love”… “Why me?” and at the same time “why not me?”. The answers might be in that Book of Life missing from the shelves and maybe never written while left for us to discover the compromises and how far we are willing to go from day to day. Wish I did not think so much!!!
    Have a great day… Thanks for writing, always a pleasure to my eyes and mind. Ara

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