Archive for 2019

Letter to a Friend… NM

Wednesday, September 11th, 2019

My Dear Friend…

Post

Something for you to read, to lift you up, some personal news and pictures…

sunsrise xxx

Sunrise xxx

I like to sit at my kitchen counter and while morning, still a bit foggy with the sweet smells of my strong coffee being brewed, I look up through my window facing East. Just a couple of miles away are the Sacramento Mountains, the Lincoln National Forest and the glorious Sun creeps up raising her green flag for the day. Wish you were here…

Coffee time

Counter stools

So much has happened these days, months, and even these past couples of years that I don’t know where to begin, so I thought I would write you in parts the best I can since we have again connected. It will take more than one letter and more than one phone call. I never meant to lose touch, but the turmoil took over, and now, the storm has dissipated leaving behind a blinding brightness I had not experienced for quite a while.

House 1 xxx 

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It has been a slippery slope being here, but rest assured, I have finally embraced my present time. Firmly I must say. I hope your own curtain on this stage of acceptance rises as it has for me. That has been the hard part and I am not going to lie, there are still times when my head is bumped and… it hurts.
I have only been gone camping once in 26 months. I have had all kinds of excuses. Some real and some made up until what became real was the thought that I have camped all my Life since I was ten years old and now, well, now without any guilt, I am enjoying this comfort. I am allowed I have been told. The body has gone through exchanges of parts, opening passages for a better flow, adding hardware for maintenance and better support. Physical pain these days never goes away but it is tolerable.

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My humble little 750 square feet Adobe and green jungle which surrounds it has turned into my own little personal space. I never thought I would tell you this, but I “love” it here!!! It is alive, it is colorful as I have always imagined a home should be, even though I am aware it is a matter of taste. I have even lately bought a shampooer and my carpet is looking so fantastic being spruced up as also the feel of it walking barefooted. I mention that, maybe to you pointless chore, because it is such a far cry from living in a tent or a camper with a constant dirt at my feet! I am installing baseboards that were missing all around. Something I have been meaning to do for the past two years, and just that little detail has added an underline on the title of acceptance. A signature lifting me up. It doesn’t take much! Does it…?

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The weather is finally turning cooler and for the first time I have outdoor efforts to undertake if being in my storage sheds can be considered outdoor. As usual I am guessing as it happens with most, I have already "stuff" I have not touched since I have been here. It is that time to pass it on to another.

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The biggest change has been mental. Isn’t it always? You and I have shared so much of it and have come through. I hope you also consider it a reality when I say "mind over matter". I know you will. We are survivors. Humble fighters.
I have been reading a lot and while my light bulb flickered off and on seemingly forever, it is finally  staying on more often than not. An amazing feat. Truly is. You know me, I am "one of those" that feels as it is our responsibility to, well, be responsible for our own actions, words, doings and included is our vehicle meaning our body. Life itself… My deep scars have been strenuous to carry as I have never wanted them to disappear, not that they would, but instead live with them and I have to tell you that I am these days surely able to. That is the huge step my Friend. 
I have enclosed myself upholding my portal to any negativity which could here sneak in, and, I have to tell you that this includes Social Media which I was regularly part of it for quite a while. Are you on it still perusing daily yourself on other’s pages? or instead only nurturing to others your prose cultivating so many of us? Those pages are now more often than not stored in my file cabinet. Not locked however as I might open that drawer maybe once a month or so while I never quite like what I am seeing, what I am reading for the exception of your own sharing.

QQQ 

WWW

I have become such an introvert and yet when I am away working out or food shopping the like of an extrovert! It is as a game feeling others, strangers, if they would be receptive to a "Good Morning" or some banal conversation about the cut of meat they are buying. Silly… right? I feel as I am part of a different tribe transplanted here and I am looking for others who would be like minded. I have not had much luck these days. I think about the reasons disabling to gear up and I come up with this huge wave of directives shoved in others faces daily, hourly. They are again the Social Media, the news, politics. Everything is wringing and choking people’s spirits it seems like not allowing them to think for themselves, to feel inward as I do. This might be strong but I compare it all to a flock of sheep throughout these peaks and valleys circling around and around. As long as they are fed controversies, too often idiotic news of no value only of sensationalism and tabloid journalism, even hatred which I can discern, well, they keep on grazing aimlessly that grass in front of them which is not even green anymore. They only think it is… So I have instated my own little World navigating amongst the other tribes. Calmly, with a smile, a nod and at times carefully but always now happily.

EEE 

RRR

I feel fortunate being who I am. I emphasize humbly not better or worse than others, others who might not feel as such but as they say, "that is not my quest". I saw and felt so much unhappiness, anger, a lot of negative projections, much “self-worship” [mainly, I might add…], all on Social Media, and my alarm went off a while back locking the keyboard. Like drunks who will not drink alone, the screen warriors are now in abundance displaying their numerous invitations for any to join them in their misery or be elevated on their imaginary throne. Of course, none of this is any new aspect. It was just “enough is enough”.

TTT 

YYY

"Happily" has been the big change, that big step. If my level of happiness was a 10 before Lance’s departure, which it was, it is an eight now and that number will never equal what it was. It is not okay but it is okay if that makes any sense. I hope you will be happy for me to know that I have finally surmounted the storms, those hurricanes blowing me back too many steps while when calm weather made their presence, getting back on climbing up a few. It works, I knew it would work. I knew it on November 6th 2006 when Spirit and I left for our Journey. The one with so many memories that replaying that reel would take me more than a Lifetime.

Spirited XXX

And talking about memories, well, I relive them more than I ever have. So many details from my childhood, my teenage years, into my profession and so much more are surfacing daily. How entertaining it is to sit under a tree up the mountain, lost in the Forest, and, without closing my eyes, replaying those past moments. I feel them so strongly. Mentally and I have to also say, as strange as it may sound, physically. I can literally feel my hugs with Lance, with my Mother. I can feel Spirit’s coat while when I pass my hand on his coat. Oh! What a sweet Creature he was. So gentle, so loving, honest and loyal. How fortunate I am to have spent those years one on one with him. My memories replaying have become so tactile and so welcoming that instead of sadness of my Loved ones not being here, there is a smile and happiness of reliving those moments always when I want to. I never knew it would happen and I have not looked up for an explanation. As much as inquisitive I am, maybe "that" is something I don’t want to know with the fear of losing it. I compare them to ghost pains you know, but instead it is, are, ghost hugs, a caress, a touch. So real… Amazing.

I leave you on those thoughts hoping to hear from you and will send you more news very soon…

Stay well…

Ara and Ziggy

R.I.P. Spirit [04~04~2018]



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