Boxed in? NM

Sunday, March 4th, 2018

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“A Home is a Box and sometimes seems to be taped shut. Let me out!”

“Alamagordo” and “White Sands” from 20 miles away of our home!

Spirit surprised me! I always give him the choice. This day he said “yes”…. He did good.

The aspect of our present Life as trying to decipher it, has to be the hardest architectured stage to put into words. It is almost a unique situation the culprit being a switch from full time on the road to obviously not. Most would say that we have it made, as yes, I agree. Physically. A nice and comfortable home, a truck~camper still parked in the driveway as so is the sidecar and I even now bought a little car as to not drive the diesel Truck ~ Camper for a few round trip miles to the store while the engine would still be cold on our return. Makes sense I think. Drs, Hospital, all less than a couple miles away and so are the food stores. Great quiet neighborhood, the list of plusses are a page long as the list of the minuses is short, actually only one item, but that item would take the length of a book. As it has. So what’s wrong? Nothing really if we had never been full time on the road which is I realize now an inexplicable feeling and way of Life.

“Kenna Belles” Bakery in Cloudcroft is now tied #1 with the one in Polebridge, Montana!

I watched a Sunset tonight while coming back home on Scenic Drive which has some elevation from town, and that Sunset so strongly talked to me. We use to have those conversations every night. Weather doable just about every night. 11 years passed in front of my eyes in the tiniest fraction of a second. What have I done? Even though the correct question is “what has this body done to me?”. Life on the road cannot be compared to any situation living in a home even if every weekend one can get away. It is not the same. It is like this calendar now is of a different substance. This clock ticking is keeping time of this present dimension which is not our past one. Not at all… I spoke with a Friend of mine this morning as we get tired of writing. To my surprise as the conversation selfishly was veered toward me, he understood what I said which is just about what I wrote above. I heard myself say… If someone today came by and bought this house, little car, whatever we have just as November 6th 2006, I would do it and get back where we really belong. Isn’t that odd? Discoveries of one’s self never stops.

One of the rare bakery making their puff pastry dough from scratch. The Chocolate croissant has to be my favorite.

But, but…. My Friend Ara… is it possible? Physically possible? I know it is not. That is now the totally “not” sad reply. I am dwelling. Get a hold of yourself someone might say. But why should I? My whole Life has been fueled by constant dreams which most became reality. So why stop now? Well, there is actually a fork ahead of me and until the roads merge if is a holding pattern. An easier physical path has given way to some mindful empty spaces. Life is easy now. Switches, hot water, furnace and air conditioner and more. There is not much if any of a mental effort, an effort present when we lived on the road. So the thoughts are multiplied with increased idling time. I miss Lance more than ever. With a past home as we had in Dawsonville, Georgia, I do feel the years gone by wandering but also it is as the present image seemingly is an`identical print to the one we disposed off.

Another favorite… It is endless.

Yes, I would give it all up to wake up again in our tent! It is the stage we belong to, a “present” with so many facets filling Life as to me the ingredients of a real one. Maybe once my medical condition stabilizes, once again we can grab the bull by its horns and “live”… This time around it would be a choice. It was not a real choice in 2006. Cornered with no light at the end of the tunnel, I still don’t know the name of that voice who told me to pack up and go… I have tasted the so many flavors of that stage that I know it is now “embedded” in me. That is the correct word as I feel speechless of my discovery. My mental one.

“Mad Jack’s BBQ” renewed my liking for BBQ. This has to be the best I have ever had. No arguments here!

A few days have passed. I read the above from just a while ago and realize it was all downhill. I realize only now how fortunate I am to have learned how to surf throughout the waves of my storms. The “box” is today a welcoming shelter. I cannot let any of it slip away as I did 12 years ago leaving everything behind. What happened? How did it all come back. “All” except Lance. His youth, my youth. The only miracle I have ever been allowed to perform in Life, having a Son. The values of all this “stuff” laying around however are so distorted. What is the value of a home? A car? A camper? Nothing really. I am lucky that way. A survivor amongst many, some unfortunately having taken the wrong turn called “drugs” or, and “alcohol” and get lost in the stupeur. My path is paved it seems like with unpolished granite tearing me up as I advance sometimes losing sight of an imaginary destination. But I do advance and have advanced.

Mad Jack himself. Lucky me, all this 15 miles away from our Home!

I am guessing that the ending of winter is adding a lid to these days passing by and waiting for warmer weather while not doing so well with the cold. Or is it just my imagination? All I can honestly say, as I always do, it is hard. This is the definition of “hard” as the roads ahead of me I realize are only band aids to a finality which happened 14 years ago. We traveled thousands of miles, camped throughout interminable nights, braved weathers as I had never experienced before, played with a couple cameras taking thousands of pictures, written close to a thousand entries, chapters, soul bearing words, and yet, I still feel as I just started looking for… for what? Is Lance coming back? Do I need to cook his favorite dishes? Find that music he liked so much? Invite some of his close Friends? I know it is not so and instead tears will take care of it all. Could I trade those tears? I wish. My only wish through Life these days and recent past days, months and years. I went through Life for 56 years never knowing the unimaginable stumbling on a card so dark they took it out of the deck. One card! That is all it took. Can’t figure that one out.

Expect an hour wait time on the weekends. Thursday and Friday? No problem.

Self discoveries become unbalanced. The Urban stage, the full time on the road stage. There is only one thing to do. Rearrange it all to join back the road. Leave behind “this” as safely as possible and go… It all sounds so simple and it is to me. We have done it before and will do it again. I hope.

There will be much more about Cloudcroft on our new travel Journal.

Stay well, Ara and Spirit