Liberated… NM

Monday, October 8th, 2018

“Looking at the past must only be a means of understanding more clearly what and who we are so that we can more wisely build the future”

I felt targeted…

A Dear Friend of mine, as yes, I can call her “Dear” Thank You Donna], wrote me a while back “I found turning 70 being very liberating from eveything…”. I am not exactly quoting her because I have unfortunately lost the message, however that is the overall meaning. I found it at the time odd, even silly as I was going through my own “pouting” [???] while just passing 70 myself. As much as I out loud would try to exclaim “it is just a number created by us, mind you not!” I was feeling a certain weight. Real or not I felt that now everything had to slow down. It just had to, that was the rule. I felt labeled as having a tattoo on my forehead drawn “70”.  Meaning… really slow down. Barko Lounger [I like it spelled that way!] Life from now on. I thought that was the design once passed even only a day from 70. I was, I had to live the chapters of another book we were not earlier allowed to read.

My backyard only minutes away… Can’t complain, right?

Then I thought some more about it because fortunate or not I am a thinker. Spoken words lingers. That was not the only reason however. I have been dealing lately with a number of people higher in number than the norm. Mainly throughout the Medical field. I found myself being very “outspoken”. I found myself expressing three sentences when it could be said in one. I was mentally going 100mph determined to make my point and at the same time, nicely and diplomatically I must say, spilling out what really was on my mind and thoughts of the action of those others towards my situations. And guess what? Concrete authorizations were done, orderly appointments were made and on and on. At the end of the day I told myself laughing “I deserve a medal”… ah!ah!ah!

Great camping spot

And that night, the phrase, that now “quote” [or close], that sentence, all started making a lot of sense. Not only in conveying a message or two but also doing “wants” instead of “needs”. How about that? What a change that is! I am not talking about extravagance like an Armani suit or a diamond ring [!!!], only little things we always wanted or even better, at the spare of the moment wanting this or that… but not truly needing it. Do you remember when we were asked why we did this or that and our reply was “just because”. That has become the case. More laughing.

Once upon a time…

I am aware that the end which is a certitude within all of us is nearer than further. I call this my “last hoopla” which I have no idea where that expression came from. And so the days are now busier with often silly things like watching a movie at nine o’clock in the morning, having a great dinner for breakfast and yes, breakfast for dinner. This new stage is a diversion, it is new and quite often satisfying. The hardest part has been dealing with the Medical field. The good Doctors are busy and regardless of the waves I create it is quite often a month worth of wait. The not so good Doctors, which unfortunately are a reality, probably the ones that passed with a C+, well, those have apointment openings that same afternoon! It is not odd. It is a truthful realization. But, it is getting there. Tomorrow is my second round for my spine nerve ending ablation as there will be a third finale [and painful!] round. Friday is finally the Spine Surgeon after going through the tunnel for a new MRI which he should [and yes! I do use the word ‘should’… from experience] have on hand and finally from there decide what the plan of action is going to be. No doubt surgery but it will have to wait until winter. I am not sacrificing my Fall season regardless of my condition.

Amazing what can be found on those back roads!

Update today: The second round that would lead to the final round of ablation did not happen as while in the waiting room the Dr came out and canceled all of us. The air conditionner he said was broken and because of heavy rains the surgery room was leaking from the ceiling. Then I get word from the Spine Surgeon office that they never received my new MRI and it’s report done weeks ago. They blame the local hospital and the local hospital is blaming the Spine Surgeon’s office! How about that for some serious cacophony? I took care of it… myself! Hours and hours of back and forth but again I won.

Hide and seek…

And now, I have feel obligated explaining because so many asked why I am dogless and what went on with Zoey. I could just say “it did not work out”, a strange even to me explanation being a dog lover and rescuer. Zoey is the most loving and well trained dog. She is exceptional. To start with I lost my dog sitter, a must to have for me while going away for my medical procedures including in Las Cruces. But more important, Zoey became a very demanding dog. As a small example, It became impossible to come home and even take my shoes off without her almost on my lap. I don’t push dogs away. She is a house dog while refusing to get into the Jeep even with a ramp on which we practiced too often. And when she finally did, she did not want to get out! Maybe all this could have been dealt with time, with more training, yet, the strangest aspect of it all is the fact that I miss Spirit terribly while using the expression “more and more” instead of at least a bit “less and less”. I am not handling it very well. I knew my lack of patience was building up and strangely enough when I adopted her from being fostered as she was never left in the County Shelter, out of nowhere or could just have been faith, the Manager and Assistant Manager had both told me that if things did not work out to bring her back and they would foster her again while looking one more time for a permanent family. She would be a great dog for a family with children! She would be in Paradise as also the family would be. It was too soon after Spirit passing away. If you only knew how much I miss him. I have no words for that stage.

I only have tears looking at him.

I have spoken about this with a few Friends who like me are dog lovers. I did because I felt guilty, and yet, they understood me as I also understood that not all dogs are alike. Spirit was a trooper! He was born to camp while loving the outdoors. 14 years, 24/7. There is not a single word I can say wishing Spirit would have been this way or that way. For throughout the years of our Journey he was “the one”. I don’t think [and know!] Zoey would have ever jumped in the sidecar. Spirit was a gift to me as my at the time lifestyle was a gift to him. The truth is, I have never missed him as much as I do today and I know will miss him even more tomorrow. I probably should stop watching his videos. They are too powerful for me seeing him “alive” as the madman he was, as the sidecar “owner” he was while so very well aware of cameras and posing like a Star. He was a Star, he is a Star… Some day, another dog will adopt me. That is more often than not the way it happens.

The “madman!!!”

So is Life again lonely? yes. The house quiet? yes. I still pass by the dog food aisle and browse for treats to finally realize I am dogless. I signed lately as “Ara” but decided that Spirit will always be with me, with us. It will always be “Ara and Spirit” until my own end.

Stay well, Ara and Spirit.

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