Archive for October, 2017

“Code Blue”… NM

Monday, October 23rd, 2017

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I believe that the greatest truths of the universe don’t lie outside, in the study of the stars and the planets. They lie deep within us, in the magnificence of our heart, mind, and soul. Until we understand what “is within, we can’t understand what is without.”
~ Anita Moorjani ~


Last week, this week, for the weeks to come will be lessons of Life’s spirituality more so than ever while I will at the same time try to respect other’s own personal scorecards intended for the masses through their own social media pages, theirs without truly any intention of sharing but spreading the golden seeds so many are these days. Priorities are always all over the board. Some make me smile, laugh, sadden me as I try so hard to leave the judgmental part under cover. It is quite a bit of a coincidence I must say that I had stumbled on this article written by Matthew Jones before going in the hospital for my bypasses while thinking about elaborating on his points to me so "precious". There are 20 of them! I will do it in parts. The surgery is now behind me. "They" are saying I am doing great, I am saying that I went into this with a bit of over confidence. I should have not taken this step with only Spirit at my side in a town where I don’t know anyone as spine surgery and the hip replacement were a walk in the park compared. I am worn out, I am exhausted, I surrender and yet, I cannot and will not let go of the white flag. I don’t think I have ever endured such physical pain.

Santo Nino Church-6 xxx 

Life itself surrendered me back last week as with collapsed lungs I "for a while" flat lined. I woke up screaming while feeling the blade of the scalpel making the incision for an extra chest tube while without anesthesia. Why would it matter anyhow? I was dead… In perspective however not officially. Only riding that thin line. No fanfare, no drum roll, no trumpets playing in the distance… No one holding hands throughout this enormous step or more so misstep. It is not the surgery which is going to impact me, what will, are those moments I was gone, those moments when back and being disappointed having not seen or felt Lance, or my Mother or my departed Friends. Those moments where some day I will again go back have created a whole new meaning of these times present and future.

Santo Nino Church-3 xxx

More than ever as this faith is, there is a feeling of loneliness which was not in earlier times present. It is only the third week after surgery and only very few Friends know about what has happened. It is not the point of wanting a Parade, a phone ringing off the hook but only the sad realization of who is truly also riding with us the shoulders of this avenue we are on. I guess I never had many real Friends. Social Media does have huge incoming waves but when the tides recedes the sand is dry. The sad realization, as I witness it myself, is that if I would have bought a new motorcycle such aspect would have actually rock the boat. It is true. So I cross my arms, I talk to my buddy Spirit who these days seems to be attached to me by this short leash as his eyes express "please do not go away…", and once again grab the horns of this Life to make it a continuance of it as well as possible. One day at the time, memories included. I noticed how important memories are when we cannot make new ones. They are happy, wishful and a sad state of mind all at the same time. Cannot ride, tent camp and even cooking is a chore while the taste buds are not themselves versus what they use to be. What an incredible and amazing 180 degree turn this stage has propped up this time around. 

Santo Nino Church xxx

There are a few aspects however that console me. One is that we do have left a couple of Friends. Real ones. Trust me that it is a huge consolation. The other aspect more important than ever as I realize it so strongly is the fact that as much as public Spirit and I have been we have always "lived" for ourselves without parading as many do this "look at me" banner flying in the skies towards everyone’s faces. That truly makes me happy because at the end of the day who remains is Spirit and I. That is how much this World has changed. And it has! Yes, just Spirit and I as I also noticed with even the few close Friends, no one likes to talk about Lance. I have to contain those emotions. They have so much changed my priorities over and over… And since no one likes to bring up that subject, it happens that my favorite little Church dedicated to departed Children "Santo Nino" is only about 30 miles from here. I was finally able t drive there and spend most of the day having my own conversations. Soothing.

Santo Nino Church-4 xxx

1. You’re going to die and you have no idea when.

Stop pretending that you’re invincible. Acknowledge the fact of your own mortality, and then start structuring your life in a more meaningful way.

I slowly learned this the hard way when Lance passed away at the age of 26. 26! Isn’t that number part of the decades we indeed felt invincible? Nothing could touch us, we did not even know what the word "tired" was. Early on I felt it to be pretty common to be afraid of Death. It is after all one of the few "point of no return" for those of us who cherish Life. I think most of us do. I don’t find it macabre talking about it. It is a certitude and an irreversible fact of Life. Some Friends joke about it "I just don’t want to hurt when I go…". We can only try our best to structure this present. This mind itself plays such a big role but also does the body which we need to take care of especially when it decides to break down! I can’t say that Spirit and I left on a November 6th 2006 to then structure our life in a better way. I would be lying if I said so. Cornered, we just left and I will discuss it in more points coming up. It did structure us, but, looking back I know just a lucky decision.

Santo Nino Church-7 xxx 

2. Everyone you love is going to die, and you don’t know when.

This truth may be saddening at first, but it also gives you permission to make amends with past difficulties and re-establish meaningful relationships with important figures in your life.

I often think of the above as a two way street as my close Friends are the true Life’s gold to me, my Life’s savings. It is always important being in touch with them and not necessarily through emails or real paper letters [yes, I still write real letters!] but visiting and if not possible definitely by phone. I like to hear their voices, intonations, those details we can go over more than once to explain ourselves generally an aspect missing, lost or misunderstood in emails. 

Santo Nino Church-20 xxx

3. Your material wealth won’t make you a better or happier person.

Even if you’re one of the lucky ones who achieves his or her materialistic dreams, money only amplifies that which was already present.

That is a huge point. We experienced it. I still have some strange let’s call it guilt when we switched to a truck/slide camper and "now" the progression of possessions has put us in a home. I miss those past days. I know the body and Spirit don’t, yet, if I could I would go right back to it. Everything fitted on the sidecar! Tent, sleeping bag and pad, minimal cooking gear, a few winter and summer changes of clothes, a soft cooler, Spirit’s food and bowls, a couple cameras and a lap top, bath stuff including a solar shower, tools… Do I forget anything? Our wealth has always been in out heart driven by honest principles. Mother Nature has been throughout all her moods of character my happiness as also has been my close Friends and the so many acquaintances we have not even yet met. The real ones sharing our path. Not the ones with their judgments clouded by their ego and the "look at me" words on their wall. We have known quite a few of those and I just cannot anymore handle them. Respectfully much distance is laid down with always "Wishing you Peace and Happiness in Life". What else can I say?

Santo Nino Church-15 xxx 

4. Your obsession with finding happiness is what prevents its attainment.

Happiness is always present in your life–it’s just a matter of connecting to it and allowing it to flow through you that’s challenging.

Almost 14 years ago sure was and still is the biggest challenge of my Life. I now know for also many others. It took me two years of anger towards the World and anyone around me to finally realize I was not singled out and the pain was also shared by the many who wrote us. I am thankful for them. Thankful for the many titles of books sent to me while reading them from cover to cover. I am not obsessed only because I know the reality of this Life’s act. I do know that if my level of happiness was 100, it will never be now more than 50, ever. There are exceptions.

Santo Nino Church-19 xxx 

5. Donating money does less than donating time.

Giving your time is a way to change your perception and create a memory for yourself and others that will last forever.

Time! I so often jokingly when someone behind me is breathing down my neck say "go ahead, I have time, that is all I got left". It is actually reality. I so much find these days that so few have time. Or is it they do have the time but sadly think they do not. Even some of my close Friends while on the phone so often interrupted by this and that. I finally often will say "let’s talk when ‘you’ have time and will not be interrupted". They got to go… and go… Where? Who knows! Yet, I understand, even coming from retired Friends. Time has become I feel a luxury. There is no more a cup of coffee and a chat while also watching the world go by if lucky enough to be sitting at one of those outdoor cafes. So yes, my own account is pretty full even overflowing with interest and I gladly try to give it away but the exchange rate is rarely in anyone’s favor anymore.

Santo Nino Church-12 xxx

6. You can’t make everyone happy, and if you try, you’ll lose yourself.

Stop trying to please, and start respecting your own values, principles, and autonomy.

Another big one. I learned that one quite a while ago with "you have to love yourself to love others". I found it to be very selfish at first but I then realized the difference between the ones with their tall egos truly loving themselves if you know what I mean and the ones loving themselves to be able to love others. How much misconstrued love can be present when one has to plaster publicly the announcement of their Birthday every day of that particular month? It just does not make much sense… That is not the kind of happiness we are talking about. I would love for everyone to be happy. What a beautiful and wonderful world this would be but such desire and thought is too naive for it being to be reality. I try to do my part. I have my days, the ones I have to stay away from others as to not subject them to my bad temperament of that day! It passes by, the shutters and doors reopen soon. I just don’t feel right for others if they entered at times my own devastated stage.

Santo Nino Church-16 xxx 

7. You can’t be perfect, and holding yourself to unrealistic standards creates suffering.

Many perfectionists have unrelenting inner critics that are full of so much rage and self-hate that it tears them apart inside. Fight back against that negative voice, amplify your intuition, and start challenging your unrealistic standards.

So much regarding this aspect I feel is the fruit of our upbringing, schooling and who we have been surrounding us with, meaning who we have chosen to be Friends with throughout our naive youth times. From day one we should learn that simply there is no such a thing as human perfection. The day Life levels out happy with what we have accomplished whether it is a 8 or a 4. In the big scheme of things we do not owe and we are not due. It is simply our innerself looking up upon ourselves with should be with no judgment and the score? It can only teach us that maybe, only "maybe" we can thrive for "better" the next time without beating ourselves on the head with a two by four…. 

Santo Nino Church-17 xxx

8. Your thoughts are less important than your feelings and your feelings need acknowledgment.

Intellectually thinking through your problems isn’t as helpful as expressing the feelings that create your difficulties in the first place.

I have always acknowledged my feelings from day one when Spirit and I took on the road. Such acknowledgment has always been my validation, my conversations between "my" and "self". I often think that if I would have had a companion these past years, maybe such written validation would have not been necessary. I see it as a mind log and not a travel log as the many out there taking birth daily in which I do perceive, and have witnessed personally, the hardship which then becomes a job, not as for myself an outlet helping my survival. The travel log are the photos which stand on their own complementing [or not!] the written words. I feel lucky being on this acknowledgment path. It just happened as everything else that has and takes place. 

Santo Nino Church-18 xxx

There are, will be 12 more points!
Stay well,
              Ara and Spirit