Archive for September, 2015

My Present Reality… Midland, TX

Tuesday, September 29th, 2015

“Words can be twisted into any shape. Promises can be made to lull the heart and seduce the soul. In the final analysis, words mean nothing. They are labels we give things in an effort to wrap our puny little brains around their underlying natures, when ninety-nine percent of the time the totality of the reality is an entirely different beast. The wisest man is the silent one. Examine his actions. Judge him by them.” ~ Karen Marie Moning ~

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The photos are from “The Petroleum Museum” in Midland, “Mineral Treasures from around the World”
Nature’s own true reality.

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The older I get (still a new word in my vocabulary!) the more I discover an odd aspect of Life. Or is it because I am getting wiser? Listening more? A hard aspect with many while they wanting to speak their thoughts even before someone else has finished enunciation theirs. Everyone has its own reality. "The deep down one"…I don’t yet know how I find out, maybe because I move with a Passion throughout my nights and days which does not count to ten when a new face appears, maybe because I just assume (bad word!) that everyone is truly in my sight and heart suddenly present with a face value when somehow sooner than later their layers are shed away which later on might make me hit my head with a hammer.

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Is it naivety? Is it because as the expression goes "a hand shake is still gold to me?", is it this immediate trust I have thinking no one can do me wrong? I myself trust, I love, I respect, I don’t use the words "should" but instead "could". I am old school with gentleman manners giving up my seat, opening a door, serving others first. I am polite, I don’t use profanities in my jokes. I show wide open my own reality and too often I do not receive that honesty I cherish so much in return.

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And yes it hurts. Every time. Of course I get over it when the lump over my head subsides and I swear to myself it will never happen again. In my Dreams. I can’t change. That would be hiding my own reality which I have no fear showing. My conscience is clear and as they also say "I can look at myself in the mirror and be at Peace". I keep thinking I have always been as such. One face. I think I might have written about this before, I vaguely remember. How can I remember what I have written in my ramblings for these past years? I thought about it deeper, about the days when I worked, if I had a "work" face? I did not have a "work face"! I was always comfortable and passionate about what I did. I actually don’t think I worked a day in my Life. I enjoyed it so much that clients would literally ask me if I was on drugs or if I had been drinking!

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Being self employed and knowing what I was doing I could allow myself to have that same face. My clients also where very wealthy and one thing I learned at a very early stage was to not let them step on my toes. Everyone working in their homes, could have been housekeepers, gardeners, the chauffeurs, airline pilots and boat captains, all wore a mask except me! The truth is, I did not care. They all put their pants on the same way I did. I was lucky to not complicate my Life with different masks which would only means different conversations, smiles, looks, behavior and to me, that is just one too complicated Life! The true reality comes from the Heart and I do have my days like today which is not a good day. It just is not! The thoughts of being laid up for the winter, not the fact of not wanting to go anywhere but NOT ABLE TO, the curtain fell and I shut my blinds and lock the door. I don’t like to subject my Friends to my ill times. I just don’t think it is fair. Everyone has their own problems and reality to deal with.

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Yet, an acquaintance of mine just the other day showed me, unveiled, his own reality and I spend almost all night thinking about it as our conversation hit a brick wall and there was nothing I could do to penetrate such present of his. Understandably as many of us he is going through a rough patch, a patch as I often myself go through with the huge difference that I have "hope". This little four letter word which with patience and the time of the day eventually makes us emerge back into the stream of a decent Life we all deserve. No hope! No hope because to him an after Life has not been proven and so our now existing Life is worthless if it is not going to have a continuation the day we pass on towards the other side.

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I almost stumbled on my own thoughts listening to his definition of hope being only a deflection of Life. Something made up, something not real but only to keep us going. Of course! Throughout our present "now" moments, hope is part of it and is not concrete only because of its definition as being in the future. Hope is for later. A minute later, a day later or could be a month later. Who knows? It is true, we don’t know but how could we live without hope and want to erase this present Life only because we don’t enjoy the present moment due only to the fact that hope is uncertain. The bottom dropped. I remember my own days without hope. Those days twelve to ten years ago. There was none. Hope slowly made its way back into Life. A good thing.

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And how can we reinstate that hope? I started thinking how I did it? All I could remember was that spark in my chest telling me to pack up, take Spirit, some camping gear, Old Faithful and just jump and go into the unknown. I didn’t know what else to say. I am not a head Doctor for sure, yet, I wanted to change his mind. Say something of a certain value which would give him that same spark I was fortunate to acquire myself. I could not. He understood me as I understood him and that is where it stopped as also my own words became of no value to him while I myself felt frustrated of his own reality while at the same time honored of the trust letting me see what was under his own mask.

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As I write these words I am still stumbling throughout the now past conversation. What else can one say but offer their own experience for a brighter future? Try to explain we Human Beings are magic and have that responsibility to live with hope even in dark times. I know as I tried that no word, no wisdom, no quotes were going to change his mind. I find it sad, almost as a Life wasted only navigating because it is only still breathing while the mind is not in tune with us. I could only conclude for him to get professional help. In a hurry.

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A couple days have passed and my own hope has to solidify as yesterday the bottom dropped and sank in after my appointment with the spine Doctor, here in Midland. Seems as summer was hard on my back, the band aids called steroid shots hid more damage than thought. L2/3/4/5 all have a generative and now arthritis condition. They all need to be fused and it is one of the most severe surgery one can have on their spine while cutting through the abdomen first and then on through the back. An eight to ten hour surgery which the Doctor cannot even do by himself or even in Midland as he suggested Dallas would offer better care. This would be followed by a stay in a rehab facility for up to six months with much physical therapy. Spirit would have to stay with Friends and the clincher is the fact that the surgery is only 50% successful. 40% does not show any changes and 10% makes it worse. A second opinion is on the way!

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Sometimes not taking a decision is the best decision. I cannot face "that reality" right now even though with winter approaching this would be the best time while I also say good bye to our riding for a year or so and that would include next fall and summer. I decided to go ahead and go through another round of the steroid shots including one in each hip, go through all the side effects including insomnia, anxiety, high blood pressure, nervousness, you name it. More band aids for now till my mind can discern clearly what to do, when to do, if to do… Take a chance or be crippled in a few years? I just don’t know. The hammer dropped heavily this time around as again there are no answers to the "why?" questions. This is a hard acceptance. It is what Life is throwing at me right now…

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Those are Human realities. Masked, not masked. We all have ours and sharing it, well, it can only do us some good whether in a state of happiness or unhappiness or somewhere in between stuck between the peaks and valleys as we often are.

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Stay well,
               Ara and Spirit