The present cards… NM

Thursday, April 4th, 2019

Courage doesn’t always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day, saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."

– Mary Anne Radmacher ~

Sunrise xxx

It is a parody of life crawling forward trying to catch up with the other end of the circle started decades ago. The pace has slowed down, faster earlier I moved on and yet the finish line once a shadow now stands tall realizing its stance was always immobile. Laboring for the past many years, a few laughs, smiles and tears all part of the Journey, the wrinkles now deeper, the hair now gray has lost all hopes of its original color itself slowly vanishing.

July

The body melted thirty pounds these past months and is hanging draped on the bones, a structured frame put back together in its weak spots, some even replaced giving out a false sense of longevity.

How did this body conceived thousands of miles away jumped the Continents and found refuge in Alamogordo? A mystery and not. The answer is always a simple one. Why not? The mind has followed, now more forgetful than ever, also a toll from the years piling up seemingly interminable yet with no wish of an end. Fluid years dealing one by one all the cards of the deck given. There were no Royal Flushes everyday. Lots of pairs which had enough value to let us through, Spirit and I, opening some creaky and rusted doors while pushing them hard as the keys then long gone.

Mother-18 
   Lance and my Mother

"Enjoy" is the key word these days and how amazing is it to still feel this knot called guilt as so untrue. My seat was rarely front row. My sights and sounds have been more hearing them and seeing them from the bleachers as one by one my cards thrown in the game could never reach the jackpot which would have made Lance, my Mother and Spirit winners. They are however winners in their own rights but my arms always hug an empty space. When will this guilt of myself still being alive and them gone will vanish? I have to try harder. Daily repeat over and over "enjoy". What a shame it would be to reach the end of this Life without 100% enjoyment when finally the cards are today showing a Royal Flush.

Mother-15 xxx 
      My Mother always smiling and laughing

I have a home paid for. A car paid for. 100% medical coverage. Food, heat, the conveniences of a what is called a modern Life in a small town and at the same time glorious mountains minutes from here. Health besides my spine is good. A few close friends… What more can I ask for, including a modest income while thanking Social Security. Am I really catching up the end of that circle I started long time ago? What are the cards of this deck still left unseen? That answer is also always the same! I don’t know. Nobody knows and need to take it as a grain of salt considering it the spice of Life. Week by week, day by day and hour by hour…

Us-2 xxx
    Even present at my Mother’s House

It is peaceful I must say and a certain sense of security should I call it has been added to Life while in a house. It is the flip side of camping where anyone else could just walk in on their path or not. The door here is locked, sometimes the gates are. It is total privacy. Something new many are used to while I am not. I am my own Master of my humble Kingdom as I call it as a joke and yet there is a certain resemblance of a true aspect.

Spirit xxx

Yesterday’s card slowly showed its colors and face up dealt me a mild heart attack! Not really what I expected but after seven bypasses and eight stents I imagine it is all catching up with me. My first thought as laying in the emergency room bed with more tubes and wires and monitors that I could count was my upcoming camping plans! That is all I thought about as also some Friends who had put in for a vacation were going to join me. With the help of another wiser than me Friend I finally swept away such thoughts as instead I need to take care of myself as in today and tomorrow be in the presence of more white walls, more Drs and more tests. It is not as I have never traveled the country these past years.

Mr Happy Spirit-2

A bit shaky to say the least as yesterday has crossed over and another card today weighs in heavy being the first Anniversary of Spirit passing away. A whole year it will be this afternoon at one o’clock. A whole year! The best Buddy I have ever had in my Life. A real trooper… Such a stubborn character! His stubbornness would make me laugh and he knew that as I am never one to train a dog but instead let them live their own lives. And he did, and it showed. He of course also always realized we were alike and with his eyes, ah! those eyes, would never leave my sight and eventually on his own did what he had to do. What a relationship we had! ! 14 years and neither of us with a single complain. He never even borrowed my debit card behind my back… No, there will never be another Spirit for sure as also the circumstances of Life have changed so much. Today is a day of remembrance, a day of sitting and going through the past pictures one by one. Another tear, another smile… Life’s design. What else can I say?

Mr Happy Spirit xxx 

Stay well,
Ara
Spirit [R.I.P. 04~04~2018]

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10 Responses to “The present cards… NM”

  1. Judith Says:

    Yes. Just wait and see….day by day. I will be hoping the best for you..

  2. john hinton Says:

    Love the photos – love the tribute… turn the page…

  3. Melanie M Kramme Says:

    Ara, I know you were looking so forward to that trip! I would be the same way, thinking about the trip even while under bad circumstances. Get yourself healed for the next trip.

    Your life has touched many, you know that if not you should. For me, in meeting you twice and then reading every post in your blog, I can say you have been a great influence on me. I just gave notice to quit the day job (was very unhappy) to allow more time to do what I love, travel in the wide open beauty of nature at least part time.

    I plan on hitting New Mexico in the Fall for several weeks. Save some time for camping to join me for a bit (and anyone else amongst your pals). I just got a 4×4 truck and low profile camper (made by Fourwheel camper) for the new adventure or perhaps I should say the new chapter.

    Take care and think good healing thoughts as I will as well for you.

  4. Caddie/Carolyn Says:

    Ara, some days have passed since this post. You are on my mind often since you wrote it. I do hope you have recuperated enough so to think on and continue your camping plan. I too had sad thoughts of Spirit but also joyous thoughts of the pleasure he brought to you. An amazing lovable Spirit. Hopefully the day will come when you can have another companion such as Spirit. Although at my age and inabilitiy, my dogs (5) are a real job to handle, life would also be so silent and empty without them. I quite often ponder my heartache as they grow older. Life can be so rough at times. Take good care, dear fellow. Take care and smile about all the happy memories. Sure wish I could have met you before our time is over. Let us know soon how life for you is progressing.

  5. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Thanks for writing.
    Yes, Life can be and is so rough at times but sitting in a corner pondering is never an option. Always need to move on forward the best we can. Life is indeed empty without Spirit while a whole year has passed and still no Buddy in my Life. That time will come I have no doubt. We can still meet… Our time is for sure not over yet! Thanks for writing.

  6. Randy Reynolds Says:

    Spirit and Natasha joyishly sharing a stick. Strong in my memory. Peace my friend. Que será, será.

  7. Steve Williams Says:

    Hello Ara,

    The sadness and loneliness you describe will, as with all things in life, change. No one can say when or why but the one certainty in life that each of us can count on is that everything always changes. You have much to be grateful for in life — now and in the rich history of love and experience you bring with you each day. Spirit lives on in memory and one day a door will open for another experience of that magnitude. Perhaps another dog, perhaps something else. Until then, take the days as they come for the gifts they are.

    Good luck with your medical adventures and recovery. I’m only on stent number one so I’m lingering a bit behind you. All the best to you from me and my two canine buddies — Junior and Lily.

  8. Caddie/Carolyn Says:

    So how are health matters for you today? Three weeks ago you wrote this post and I’ve been ‘pondering’ about you ever since. So often bloggers I’ve read suddenly
    quit writing, then I learn they no longer are here but have passed on to the next step of their unending journey . This is always a stunning shock as their last post was so full of hope and content in daily living. Having suddenly lost several of my own family members over time and just waiting for others to leave my life has taken its toll also on my mind. My youngest brother at age 72, struggling all alone out in Durango CO rarely contacts us and living from hand to mouth, has no shelter whatsoever except a sleeping bag and the ground as his mattress causes me much angst. He has had several heart attacks and stents in place and with current living conditions for him, I can only expect the worst and ‘possibly’ never know until long after the fact. Most bloggers that leave us never have someone to update for readers. A worrisome situation for ME, even though we never came face to face. Am I too sensitive? I guess I am. Living alone for so many years, even though I keep busy, has brought on this condition of frantic/panic. So far I’ve not needed a heart expert but know a psych one might help – but HA HA, I don’t have time to go that route nor the $Funds nor the ability for miles to drive to one. So, I must just keep on keeping on with my daily doings and hope for the best. I truly worry what will become of my beloved animals though when my time is up.

  9. Ara & Spirit Says:

    I so much feel for your Brother. Even with more comfort I cannot see myself full time on the road anymore. I hope he does find some shelter and his health improves. I can understand the “frantic/panic”. As we get older, for myself anyhow, patience goes out of the window and we want everything to be so prefect. Is it ever? Stay in touch and stay well… “worrying is paying interest on a loan not yet taken”… Ara

  10. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Please do not try to catch up with me on the medical front!!! All is well now, medication adjusted as I have lost 35lbs… No bad carbs and sugar. That is about it. Pretty incredible I must say. Never thought I would hear a Dr telling me to stop losing weight! The memories keeps us going for sure as your own ancient pages are still always embedded in mine. The path seemingly is at time long and at times so short as we truly do not want to see the finish line! Take care Steve and Junior and Lily… Beautiful Buddies you have. Ara

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