Confusion… NM

March 31st, 2018

“Nobody can fully understand the meaning of Love unless he’s owned a Dog. A Dog can show you more honest affection with a flick of his tail than a man/woman can gather through a Lifetime of handshakes”
~ Gene Hill ~

I remember eating BBQ in front of him…

There is really no other word to describe the present. It is not bad, it is not good, it just is confusing. So many changes, emotions coming and going. I still have a choice but the escape is narrowing and is that what I really did for all these past years? Escape? Maybe. I am trying to put it all together and it is taking forever to do so. I ask “what do people do when they do not camp?”. I hear answers I really don’t want to hang on to. “They get lazy and watch television…”, “They go shopping and then on microwave…”, “They watch the walls hoping like a sunset or sunrise they will change color”… but they don’t! Of course not.

Good times in Valley of the Gods, Utah.

It is that coming to terms with “things have changed”. I really did not want the changes. They happened because they had to. I am at the mercy of the weather more than ever. At the mercy also now of a dentist just when I thought the medical “stuff” was over. It is almost as a voice is welcoming me to the real Life! Gum surgery… really? Yet the worse is none of the above. It is Spirit. The word “confusion” cannot even describe what I am witnessing throughout this march of time. From when in Texas a couple months ago when his blood work showed a bad liver his demenure has worsen. He cannot hold it in the house anymore, his rear legs give up on him, he has stopped barking and feels as frele as an old timer in a nursing home. He will be going back to a local veterinarian in a couple days.

Always has been and will be my shadow.

It is not about me, it is about him. Is he in pain? He will never tell. Dogs do not complain. It is not a quality of Life I would want to endure. That is a decision for myself I have taken long time ago. But him? These are days I cannot even describe. On “pins and needles” is the expression? And what will the veterinarian say? I know that she or he will only give me the facts and again as in the past with my two previous Buddies it will have to be my decision to pull the plug or not. Unselfishly it will have to be. It is a lose lose situation with only a resemblance of a smile when thinking about all the memories we have created since a bit over twelve years ago. Such energy we both have had! I often cannot believe we did what we did. It becomes mind boggling. Will I be able to go on alone if that scenario emerged? I will have to. Have done it before, will do it again.

We have been such a perfect team!

That is truly about all I can express right now…

In full gear…

Stay well. Ara and Spirit

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