Have you crossed your “Grand Canyon”? NM

Tuesday, May 26th, 2020

Captain 9
No, the photos are not accidentally placed…

“The things we want are transformative, and we don’t know or only think we know what is on the other side of that transformation”
~ Rebecca Solnit ~

Captain 13

Have I ever had a “Plan B”? No, there never was. I have been reminiscing a lot these days. Images from way back Elementary School, the silliness and hair rising aspects of my teenage years, the start of businesses, marriage, the birth of Lance, all in a bit too vivid details! I can transport myself to those minute moments while physically and mentally feel them. I can touch that present past as fantasizing I am riding my own time machine.  Must be age, must be the idling I am experiencing. Lonely at times I must admit, routinely going on with my nights and days even though I cannot say I am bored. I am good company with myself and yet more would be welcomed. At times! Temperamental, stubborn, thoughtful too often getting lost in my own fog, while fortunately and respectfully with an open mind towards other’s opinions and directions taken as I always joke “who in the world would put up with me?”. It is quite a balance while constantly jumping from one scale onto the other.

Captain 7

This, now, must be “plan B”. Has to be as I am living it. There is no hardship per say. The physical kind to be more precise.  Home, car, food, clothing, medical care, tolerable aches and pains here and there. Some what I always call “good people” surrounding me even if from a distance. The mind is fairly sane… What more can I ask for? I am not greedy! Yet, I am always wondering and asking myself “is this it?”. I mean seriously. We pass on through the years with so many twists and turns, so many plans and dreams and aspirations never knowing, never guessing that they just might not realize for just plain and simple Life’s reasons. No other than that, as we try and try some more. Disciplined, faithful with work, filling ourselves with those values I have just a few days ago written about, and sometimes, in an instant, as changes only take less than a second of realization, the bottom drops.

Captain 10

We tend to make sense of it all by deft mental acrobatics, deducing what we want from what we get, only to realize, and it is never quite clear whether this is a deep truth or a deep delusion, that the strange and unpredictable outcomes of Life might be what we desired in the first place. Or was it? Did we suddenly change our mind as a shinier fascination passes by us and allows us to catch a glance of it? We are not the conductor even if we are given that sparkling title tag… our grip on the controls will never be tight enough to pass under the finish line of our ambitions and aspirations. The goals are endless as are also our cravings.
Lance’s passing away was and always will be the milestone in my Life. A new banner was propped up with its writing still a blur I cannot define. A miscarriage of Life, aborted path, a cliff which was not supposed to be. There always will be the before and after. There was not throughout that era any mental acrobatics. It was not the result of a want. Far from it.

Captain 8

There is a scenario that has often ran in my mind. A fantasy from years past which has never left my imagination. On a beautiful sunny day, I think of a rider on his horse, many Moons ago headed North  throughout the great Plains. Nice flat landscape, green forests, non threatening trails, an easy ride and suddenly…
…“X%#&@!!!” the Grand Canyon… Can you just imagine his expression? How he felt? How the depth and the vastness of this improbable obstacle left him overloaded with emotions never felt before. How his jaws dropped down to his knees? I faced my Grand Canyon years ago. That day. I am still trying to get across it. I don’t think I ever will. I will take that challenge to my grave unaccomplished, but not for the lack of trying.

Captain 5

I mumbled somewhere at one time years ago without much of a literary prose “I am okay with it”.
Am I really? Was he? It was that one time when without a choice the transformative moment was not a desire, a wish, a dream, but only it’s opposite. The path we live ahead is infinite. Not finite, as neither of us will circle the past to rejoin the left hand while the right hand was pointing in the other direction.

Captain 14

I can’t wallow. The graph does plunge down at times, that linear representation loses its uphill trace plunging into a depression era. Some days are always better than others and some feel as the props of this stage have been forgotten in their storage. Everyone has left that scene on those days, even Friends are absent. To crawl uphill we must climb, it is a realistic truth, and so the valleys do exist as otherwise peaks would not be called as such and the flatland would never feed us that tenacity we need to wear while looking up even if fruitless, trying to reach and grasp that left hand.

Captain 15
We all have our Grand Canyon. We all are trying to cross it somehow. Slowly the Eastbound and Westbound paths disappear only leaving the Northbound and Southbound ahead and behind us. The sheer granite walls plunging are often not even in our vision, we just know they are there, real close and we are running out of ropes to take us up and down again.

Thank You

As I said, it is never for the lack of trying…

Stay well, stay safe…
Ara and Spirit
[R.I.P. 04/04/2018]

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26 Responses to “Have you crossed your “Grand Canyon”? NM”

  1. dale Says:

    Thanks Ara, always look forward to your great pictures and thoughts.

  2. Wickedstock Says:

    Thanks for sharing useful information with us.

  3. Denny Gibson Says:

    The paragraph that begins with “We tend to make sense of it all by deft mental acrobatics…” is one of the best collections of words I’ve read in quite a while. It’s a delightful swirl of answering and asking questions that I’ve bumped into a time or two. Nice.

  4. Pam (Zelda) Says:

    Dear Ara, No words today, just a tear or two, reflecting on your story and on our own. We’re still here, always appreciating your reflections on life and poignant photos.
    Life is good, indeed,
    Pam

  5. Nicky Says:

    The feeling that the bottom has dropped out is one I have felt, more than once in my life. Though intellectually we know merely mortal people and circumstances don’t last forever nothing really prepares us for their sudden disappearance. Eventually we accept, heal, and life goes on, though never the same, it can be a fulfilling life. My hope for you is that among other blessings you have peace and even joy.

  6. Terri A Reed Says:

    Very creative post, words and symbolic photos.

  7. mark verve Says:

    The best part of the after life has to be seeing departed human and animal loved ones again. I cannot imagine it being any other way. Imagining those scenes of being reunited brings me to tears. In the mean time life is good and having something to look forward to in due time is part of its goodness.

  8. Nancy Says:

    That mind…always turning.

  9. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Always! Give me call… stranger!

  10. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Thank You… I am glad you put two and two together as they say… Stay well. Ara

  11. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Thank You Denny… I love “language”… I got [unfortunately] into a debate with a couple writers into the usage of abbreviations which I refuse to read… Really in depth ones!I am told that is the natural route language is taking. I differ….

  12. Jerry Miles Says:

    I am facing my Grand Canyon event right now and forever. I lost my Nel of 51 years in April 2019…

  13. Nancy Says:

    “Grand Canyons” change our lives forever. I’m just glad the cowboy in your dreams didn’t change the horses, too. Or did he? Your Grand Canyon Changed the direction Of your life and you went around the canyon carrying your pain with you. Ride on, if only in your dreams, cowboy. Be well.

  14. Virginia Glasser Says:

    Ara, you truly are one of the best of the best writers out there. This entry is profound.

  15. Carolyn Says:

    A very good day to you, Ara. Once again I’ve come by and now see it’s been almost five months since this post. I’m concerned; frankly somewhat worried about you. I do hope you are okay, rather doing well and your canyon isn’t so deep now. Mine? very deep since January and feeling it will only worsen. Shucks! I planned my future be tter than this. Please, if you might and can, be in touch and ease this rattled and wearied mind of mine a bit. Caddie

  16. Judith Says:

    I will keep on checking here in hopes you will post again.

  17. Carolyn Says:

    Ara, so much time has passed since this post, so I have concern. Too often blogs come to a sudden halt and in time possibly I find out why. Too often it is bad not good news. Mostly though ‘no news’ gives me one conclusion. I always think the worst. Please tell us you are still with us and I hope doing well. This post told so much of how life has happened, even for me. Reading I felt only melancholy thoughand again ask “What is life about?” And why do the many past memories flood me as I live the last days – even back to age two! Living past memories may be a common occurance for everyone as they age. I so appreciate your writing. You are the best.

  18. Caddie Says:

    It has been quite a long time since this post and of course, I’m concerned. May we hear from you again soon?

  19. Ara & Spirit Says:

    All is well. As well as possible through this transition which seems to take forever. Thanks for the concern. Happy Holidays.

  20. Ara & Spirit Says:

    Thanks for the concern. Often I am myself concerned! All is as well as possible carrying all the past memories throughout this present. Hope all is well with you… Happy Holidays.

  21. MCMANEMY6494 Says:

    Thank you!!1

  22. Judith Says:

    I’ll just keep checking and checking again to see if you are here. Glad for your note in response to Caddie. So…here we are. At least I hope your are.

  23. Judith Says:

    It’s been a year now. I’m still checking. Glad to hear from you in December, hoping you are still carrying on and finding peace and enjoyment in this world.

  24. Judith Says:

    Spring has come and is now going away…..summer is here. I hope you are having some enjoyment in life…

  25. Pat Says:

    I’ve followed you “off and on” for the past several years. Although, I don’t post often I have made it a point to check your “YOUTube” channel and this website. I notice the last post was just before Christmas of 2020. May I ask how you are?

    God Love you my friend.
    Pat O’Brien

  26. Cindy Says:

    I hope all is well with you. You are missed mightily!

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