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Spring? Summer? They are here…

What can go through someone’s mind when such loses their four legged soulmate? Three weeks later it is still so dark that even a sparkler lit by caring Friends is dim. It must have been soaking in my daily tears, my search throughout rooms that maybe this reality is only imaginary. I kick myself over and over and at times that concept absent for so long works in only short bursts.

Everything is blooming.

Years ago when Lance passed away I went mad, angry, you name it, for two years. I was impossible to deal with. All I could think of was that here stood the only Father in the whole World having lost his Son. I really did. As I abandoned my business I took little jobs flipping hamburgers, making quesadillas, French Fries and ended up getting fired from each of those jobs. Not because of my ability while being a 5 Star Chef, but because of my attitude, my at the time fury. They were not pleasant times and luckily after hearing I needed some serious attitude changing from Friends, and especially from my last Boss who regretted and felt so apologetic to let me go, I realized I had to get back to “myself”. Well, that did not work very well either as my tunnel got darker and darker and eventually the light at the end of it went out. There is so much thankfulness towards that voice who told me to pack up and take off with Spirit on one of those Friday nights as I remember. It was a bold move, a necessary one. Today Spirit is gone. I stare at his food bag still in the closet, his bed and bowls I have not been able to touch and put away, I stare at the clock which seems to have picked up some speed as late afternoons arrives and I still have not moved much from my morning stare, only remembering I don’t have to feed him.

Prickly Pear jam maybe this year.

I can fill pages and pages on what Spirit meant to me. I won’t as if I do this keyboard will get flooded. There is only one image right now present in front of me. The one where Spirit and I formed a scale balancing it constantly as we were the pans of it. His pan has now lost its weight and I am dropping fast losing control of my nights and days. Luckily I have learned what to do. I learned it these past years but I am lacking the fuel needed to get back up. It is just me and I probably should not even be in front of this keyboard but this therapy of mine appeases me somehow. I did not have the tools 14 or so years ago but as sharp as they now are, I do have them and learned to use them. Let it all out.

Ms Zoey

“Old Faithful” is sold. There is not much sense in it anymore while riding it alone is missing the smile which always accompanied me. My body itself cannot take the bouncing of the dirt roads, the fun ones. The spine screams… Another rider with his dog will take over and once again she will be out there breathing the miles. Why punish her leaving her chained up to the fence. Just as I have sold the camper and no regrets are present, it will be the same for “Old Faithful” even if I will miss that girl. I am trying to take back the direction of basic camping even if I am apprehensive going by myself. Have not done much yet but at least a list is written up. Kind of. I had mentionned  not long ago that “we” had never really explored New Mexico and this was our next step. I never thought I would do it alone.

She loves her toy.

Up the Mountains cooling off.

That look!