Courage doesn’t always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day, saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."
– Mary Anne Radmacher ~

It is a parody of life crawling forward trying to catch up with the other end of the circle started decades ago. The pace has slowed down, faster earlier I moved on and yet the finish line once a shadow now stands tall realizing its stance was always immobile. Laboring for the past many years, a few laughs, smiles and tears all part of the Journey, the wrinkles now deeper, the hair now gray has lost all hopes of its original color itself slowly vanishing.

The body melted thirty pounds these past months and is hanging draped on the bones, a structured frame put back together in its weak spots, some even replaced giving out a false sense of longevity.

How did this body conceived thousands of miles away jumped the Continents and found refuge in Alamogordo? A mystery and not. The answer is always a simple one. Why not? The mind has followed, now more forgetful than ever, also a toll from the years piling up seemingly interminable yet with no wish of an end. Fluid years dealing one by one all the cards of the deck given. There were no Royal Flushes everyday. Lots of pairs which had enough value to let us through, Spirit and I, opening some creaky and rusted doors while pushing them hard as the keys then long gone.

 
   Lance and my Mother

"Enjoy" is the key word these days and how amazing is it to still feel this knot called guilt as so untrue. My seat was rarely front row. My sights and sounds have been more hearing them and seeing them from the bleachers as one by one my cards thrown in the game could never reach the jackpot which would have made Lance, my Mother and Spirit winners. They are however winners in their own rights but my arms always hug an empty space. When will this guilt of myself still being alive and them gone will vanish? I have to try harder. Daily repeat over and over "enjoy". What a shame it would be to reach the end of this Life without 100% enjoyment when finally the cards are today showing a Royal Flush.

 
      My Mother always smiling and laughing

I have a home paid for. A car paid for. 100% medical coverage. Food, heat, the conveniences of a what is called a modern Life in a small town and at the same time glorious mountains minutes from here. Health besides my spine is good. A few close friends… What more can I ask for, including a modest income while thanking Social Security. Am I really catching up the end of that circle I started long time ago? What are the cards of this deck still left unseen? That answer is also always the same! I don’t know. Nobody knows and need to take it as a grain of salt considering it the spice of Life. Week by week, day by day and hour by hour…

    Even present at my Mother’s House

It is peaceful I must say and a certain sense of security should I call it has been added to Life while in a house. It is the flip side of camping where anyone else could just walk in on their path or not. The door here is locked, sometimes the gates are. It is total privacy. Something new many are used to while I am not. I am my own Master of my humble Kingdom as I call it as a joke and yet there is a certain resemblance of a true aspect.

Yesterday’s card slowly showed its colors and face up dealt me a mild heart attack! Not really what I expected but after seven bypasses and eight stents I imagine it is all catching up with me. My first thought as laying in the emergency room bed with more tubes and wires and monitors that I could count was my upcoming camping plans! That is all I thought about as also some Friends who had put in for a vacation were going to join me. With the help of another wiser than me Friend I finally swept away such thoughts as instead I need to take care of myself as in today and tomorrow be in the presence of more white walls, more Drs and more tests. It is not as I have never traveled the country these past years.

A bit shaky to say the least as yesterday has crossed over and another card today weighs in heavy being the first Anniversary of Spirit passing away. A whole year it will be this afternoon at one o’clock. A whole year! The best Buddy I have ever had in my Life. A real trooper… Such a stubborn character! His stubbornness would make me laugh and he knew that as I am never one to train a dog but instead let them live their own lives. And he did, and it showed. He of course also always realized we were alike and with his eyes, ah! those eyes, would never leave my sight and eventually on his own did what he had to do. What a relationship we had! ! 14 years and neither of us with a single complain. He never even borrowed my debit card behind my back… No, there will never be another Spirit for sure as also the circumstances of Life have changed so much. Today is a day of remembrance, a day of sitting and going through the past pictures one by one. Another tear, another smile… Life’s design. What else can I say?

Stay well,
Ara
Spirit [R.I.P. 04~04~2018]