“We do not have control over many things in Life and Death but we do have control over the meaning we give it”
~ Nathalie Himmerlich ~

That is what Life seems to be. Quarters are not even enough anymore. It takes much more to just stay afloat. We keep hitting those side buttons as fast as we can, we shake the machine every which way possible thinking we are helping our game, wrongly so as we tilt it and Life suddenly stops to our surprise which should not be. The bumpers roll us right and left, backwards and too often when forward that shiny scratched covered steel ball, our own daily momentum, drops in the hole. We are done. We have to start over. We do get a few chances but free games are rare. We can’t stop as if we do, defeated we will walk out our head down through that exit door which behind it nothing awaits for us. So hard to accept defeat while never truly understanding its concept. It is actually very simple. We either win or lose. There is no in between, no gray areas, and being on that podium eternally is harder than hard.

Januaries are part of that difficult path. Lance experienced the year 2004 for only a few days. That was 14 years ago and it does not seem as an eternity but just as if it was yesterday. I cannot imagine him being now 40, I only see him as the strong young man he still was at 26 and yet defeated by his illness. We ran out of quarters. We ran out of everything we could input to make him better. The avenue became a one way street as suddenly the thick wall made of bricks with each single one of them being a hope we carried appeared in front of us, that barrier, and we knew then he would not go any further even if our hopes were always present and yet today had moved away, each single one of them. A stop sign was not even necessary. It is an amazing aspect for us Humans while knowing the end result we still always hope for that miracle, that “maybe”, that “if only…”. What else can we do but hang on to that thin thread daily unraveling until we reach its end and suddenly our hand holding it is empty. It not only empties our hand but our own soul while we then feel the enormity of that present we are ourselves still part of but he is not. Vanished, gone, no return ticket, just a one way trip to…

I am numb, I am too often lost and yet I cannot allow it to be as such. I look for more quarters but they are rare, hidden throughout my today’s priorities as even when I find one or two they don’t matter as much. The game has lost its value, Life can tilt continuously and it will not matter. Strength takes much more than those quarters. It takes everything my inners possess, every single ounce and even that is often not enough. The arcade is suddenly empty with just this one pin ball machine I stare at which by now is broken and no one is showing up to fix it while I have been waiting for those 14 years. Even the crowds are gone. Let it be. I never expected anyone to understand anyhow. It is more than personal. It is engrained throughout every mental particles of my mind and they keep growing, they keep getting heavier as the knot in my stomach is. It is helplessness, these days are its definition. Words are not even necessary as that hole awaits while I try to keep rolling and hit some bumpers as myself under that glass not knowing when I will drop in it.

I sit often only abled by my weight just like the mass of a statue while I look up to the skies and repeat too often “I just don’t know…” while truthfully I do know there is nothing to know. I need a Friend, I need a big hug and share the tears but I am better off alone while hope replenishes. I like helping others wearing the same size shoes as this gentleman who is going to call me today or tomorrow as his Son just as Lance was, is half way there. What a horrible way to put it yet it is an ugly reality. What am I going to tell him? I cannot share my path through the valleys with him, only the one on the peaks of these imaginary mountains I like to be on while closer to this infinite Universe we belong to. Yet, if it is indeed infinite I am really not any closer. I however already know, as it is the only way I know, that I will be honest as much as my words will hurt. He still has no clue that Life will slap him with the most strength ever was.

I have a clock on my wall now. Obviously a cheap clock as I hear the ticking of every second going by always hoping it is going backwards and not forward as it is. Again, another lost hope as its impossibility is more than present because I know that is. I see it. There are some aspects of Life where there is no guessing. We still do though while knowing too well the outcome, it is Human nature to do so. Back to the “maybe” and “only if…”. Too much time has passed to fool myself from this present reality. Only the hope of my own Life remains and even that is a daily uncertainty. That is just how it is… No more, no less.

Stay well,
              Ara and Spirit [R.I.P. 04~04~2018]