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Zoey’s ride these days…

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”
~ Jimmy Dean ~

Above Alamogordo

It has been days of absence from these pages. I have been pursuing the culprit to only come to the conclusion that since here in Alamogordo I think too much of these past years and losing my motivation! So many changes from across the bridge, from the banks we came from. They are good changes, present times being responsible for them even if I was thrown another wrench by Spirit’s passing away. Another hole in my heart keeping me company day in and day out. Like Newlyweds taking off with cans attached to their car, I have married this new Life dragging instead wrenches some tarnished and weathered by times, one still bright and shiny.

The fun road from Alamogordo

Being on the road was a constant “looking over your shoulder” situation. More or less. It is as anchoring your boat hundred miles off shore but never 100% sleeping when nighttime passes by. The element of surprise is always present as needing to be constantly prepared for it. Is it that aspect that keeps me up these days? Missing it? It should not be as all is well in a certain sense. Zoey is the most affectionate and well behaved Dog with now many surnames one being “Goofy”… We have a home, a car to go camping with, the mountains only 15 miles away, my health is as good as it will be while I can finally breathe normally at 9000+ feet. I have accepted the changes, this new stage pleasant, comfortable and worry free, and yet… Will time appease me?

Lance’s, my Mother’s and Spirit’s ashes are scattered here and so will mine some day.

I feel as on top of the World some days and some other days at the bottom of it. Could it even be some kind of mental condition? Yes, I think too much and my wings of acceptance need to be deployed a bit wider. This is the age of retirement! These are the years to enjoy the nonchalant passage of the nights and days with no responsibilities but myself and Zoey. This is just another form of freedom yet quite different from my years on the road. I need to embrace it closer. I need to stop climbing its summits only to fall back into its valleys, a toll taking motion, unhealthy.

The go anywhere Jeep Renegade “Trailhawk”.

Jeep “Trailhawk”

At the summit.

One aspect I realize I am not getting along with is “routine”. But how to change it? We wake up at the same time every morning. It is the same cup or two of coffee, the same breakfast and on pondering what will be doing today? Amazing how one can quickly get used to conveniences. Food stores just a few miles away were so exciting and today have become the norm while sometimes I don’t even care to go food shopping! Drs and the Hospital less than five minutes away have also become the norm. There is no effort. The effort is finding some new spices keeping me content. I cannot use the “road spices” here, they don’t make any sense. That feeling when I use to wake up so excited towards the thought of “what is going to happen today?”. I pretty much know what is going to happen “here” today “…

In the little Village of Timberon. Pop 309 or so!

And no, I am not complaining! I am just thinking out loud. It helps me being once again grounded, it helps me facing this reality of the present which has changed so much this past year. I know we have more than most as we don’t need anything. The need is only mental these days while adapting with this new prescription! Take this nice blue pill twice a day Life said a while back… I do.

It has been a couple of days now when I read about Anthony Bourdain’s suicide. I am stunned. I got to know of him well when I had my hip replacement in Louisiana while staying at my Friend’s house who would turn on the television when his show would come on. I am as taken back as when Robin Williams took the same path. I cannot have an opinion. I have been myself after Lance’s passing away on this stage where nothing anymore meant anything but my character and personality are not suicidal. I have always said “you could leave me in the Desert with only my clothes on and I will survive”. Yet, not knowing how their gears worked opinions cannot be formed and what upset me even more has been reading comments containing words such as “coward.. easy way out…” and on and on. They obviously dropped in some valleys which were deeper than deep. I am familiar with them, a lesson in geography I try to avoid at all cost. One reason and the main reason why I write and let it out…

In the village of Timberon.

It is even a subject hard to talk about with Friends as it seems to be taboo. Maybe not the subject itself but words depicting “how we truly deep down feel about Life today”. Is it fear? is it shame? is it unmanly to expose our inner conditions which could be filled with anxiety? depression? Let’s face it, most can be due to a chemical unbalance and also let’s not forget the tentacles of today’s Social Media on our well being, tentacles too often choking too many, vulnerable from unkind words. I have Friends towards whom I have no idea or clue if they are happy or unhappy or in between. No clue at all and that is I feel the taboo subject. How are we going to help each other if such aspect is locked behind closed doors? I am so baffled by all of this while most of the time I can only conversate with these pages and believe me that sometimes they do talk back with some answers!

Stay well… Ara and Zoey