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I don’t know what it is but as the number 70 is approaching I am feeling it as a landmark! If that is the proper word for age markers. The past decade is included in this multi part series of I feel “living” and I humbly realize that I have had a full invitation with maybe too many chapters while amongst you all. The chapters of this hypothetical play were very long. Lack of knowledge, young and foolish for sure at times, temperamental [as I still am!], pockets filled with currency at times and at other times only staring at stale bread sitting near a couple jars of peanut butter and jelly which honestly I am not tired of. Regardless of the hardships or the comforts depending which years my memory chooses to remember the chapters, the monolog and dialogs used sometimes, more now than ever, have shorten as the responses of the questions have been abbreviated throughout these years. Sometimes as it has happened, one word can replace a whole page while ending up with the same meaning at times actually fanning that meaning and letting the mind wonder…  “what does it really mean?”.

I am honestly often troubled by what and who is surrounding me even if real contact is absent for most of the time. Yes, being here I am definitely more exposed to those daily headlines and of course it is my own fault, my own curiosity which has given me this open door to headlines [because I don’t read the articles themselves!]. I try to compare my own spirituality to “that” outside maze of paths which unfortunetly too often makes me laugh but definitely not in a pleasurable manner. I most of the time tell myself while I shake my head “Seriously?” or “How can this happen?”, “How can they do this?”, “That’s impossible”. I really don’t know the one answer I would like to comprehend which is for the question “Has humanity changed so much or is it our communication with the world’s news which have become so instant versus waiting for that letter as in the late 1800’s which took six months or more going from Spain to the Americas?”

I have to say it! “Have people become nuts?”. What is going on and where is all of this going? Do I care or am I just watching the unraveling of this Society which I feel too often has gone mad. I just was not raised as such and my own values have never been what I today read. I have always believed of course everyone should have an opinion. Nice if they coincide but also if they don’t what happened to respect towards each other? Seemingly words have become weapons I would say of mass destruction while most are hiding behind the screen used to deploy them. What happened to mature discussion and is “mature” still has the same meaning as it used to? Too many questions… right? Too many dilemnas, too much of everything laid out with no sense or reason so publicly with so much afront.

I keep calling these last years of mine my last “hoopla”. I can’t remember where I found that word but it seems to fit. So many surgeries, probably a couple more awaiting not too far away and while I think of my seven bypasses I wonder how long they will hold up! I knew Life would never be the same without Lance. I knew it would never be the same without my Mother, my pillar! And I now know Life again will change direction without Spirit. As I drop my arms raised towards the skies imploring to only make this an unreal dream I realize it is not and so naively I ask myself “so what am I going to do now?”. I have not yet fallen off the cliff and all I can think is of an answer unlike me: “I don’t know…”.

I have learned to take Life one day at the time. One moment at the time. I don’t know about tomorrow and truthfully how would I know? No “savant” here for sure. Just bite into the present’s substance and live with the gifts lately unwrapped. Maybe all gifts are not suppose to be pleasant ones. It is only how we interpret that word. Some gifts are not even wrapped as their substance directly hit our conscience and make us fight for survival as another question arises “how will we survive?”.

This was sent to me a few days ago…

“Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do. Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take me inside… for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements… and I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth… though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land… for you are my god… and I am your devoted worshiper. Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger. And, beloved master, should I be deprived of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest…and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.”

~ Beth Norman Harris ~

There is a new star up in the skies these past couple nights and it’s name is Spirit. I know that dogs only go to Heaven, especially him. The nights gained one star and the days lost one only replaced by the many memories him and I have created sometimes seemingly not even believable. Words have totally escaped me these past few days replaced by an emptiness almost touchable. It is as the present is frozen and lying to me at the same time. I am still in my thoughts left behind to the day when I finally picked him up from the shelter. I am still there! I keep asking myself how can this happen? Has it really happened? Is Spirit really not with me anymore? Dam it is hard.

Spirit is gone but I can still sign his name as he will always be here in “spirit”.

Ara and Spirit