"I write to discover what I know" ~ Flannery O’Connor ~
…and could I add to this quote above “Some drink and do drugs to forget what they know erasing any possible validation of their own lives”?
Everything changed when my Mother said her good byes 13 months ago. The pillar she had formed and built over the past 65 years, the one which always supported me only a voice away, it crumbled right in front of my eyes on that morning of April 12th 2013 in an hospital bed in Munich. Aren’t we always filled with regrets? With wishes of "I should have done this or done that?" One more hug, an extra smile? Regrets are harmful to a present Life because nothing, even the strongest mind ever, can change any of the past. We are now, and tomorrow being Mother’s Day, one without her, I have put those regrets aside while focusing on the present. A close loss is no stranger to me. My tools dull in years past have been sharpened to cut through such times. It is not courage as some might think, it is a choice. An incredible choice as the one taken seven and a half year ago leaving Georgia with, as the expression goes, "just a shirt on our back". Spirit did not even have a shirt.
She still is with me as Lance is. They will never leave as their names dance in front of me daily. As much as they are stepping on my own footsteps, I so often stare into the horizon trying to focus on them, but my arms stay limp without a hug or a kiss or a voice heard "I Love you", in echo of mine. I have many photos of her as I have also of Lance. I look at them, almost as from pixel to pixel, they come alive, they blend in with the memories stored in my mind. Having said all that, no, nothing will ever be the same and no time will heal the wounds. A very bad indeed expression maybe invented by someone who had never truly loved a human loss.
So the choices of a path truly rests on our shoulders. Don’t they? I always ironically say, because there is such a truth in our today’s society, one could just become a drunk, a drug addict and for the rest of their lives watch the wide screen television with its 800+ channels. I think they do come as wide as 85 inches these day. There is no courage in that choice neither. There has to be a better "validation" of our path on this one time play faced with the so many different stages present staring at us. There need to be that spark in "our memory" because of our Human worth, one truly filled with an account so vast the possibilities are always endless.
My choice for sure is not for everyone the right one. It is just one of many, one which has a worth filling to the brim my inner senses. Living on the road! It is volatile. I don’t know many doing as such. The path in itself has many variations. Some only jump from an RV park to another one while their spaces awaits with the hook ups for power, water and sewer. I forget, cable television. I know it because we have had to a few times while stuck late in the day between point A and point B with nowhere else to stay. It is not for us but I do respect it. A smaller vehicle is often towed and I must give credit to its occupants to at least have "that" ability to see and experience the country "their way".
Dispersed camping is our game or at least semi primitive as sometimes the choice, the rules, the laws in existence for a certain region will not allow us any other way. One gets use to being self sufficient. Off the grid as they call it. The needs are truly never much and the comfort is more mental than anything else, some aspects only requiring a bit more physical labor and enduring our Mistress, the Weather, one we always embrace. I see it as my own validation being in touch with this soil we live on within this nomadic life.
Mother’s Day is today and so much throughout these hours I miss our phone call. One more day added to this list of times which have changed. The list is getting a bit long. I remember when they was none. I remember when everyone was present for their birthdays, the holidays, today, father’s day, you name it. To make the matters worse we are going through a freeze, flood watch and strong winds warning here near by Moab. I am not as tough as I use to be and we have anchored down for the day, maybe even a couple days as wintery temperatures will be present tomorrow night and day. Bands of rains are coming through, the skies are of grays and low, the air is howling. This too shall pass and we might even soon complain of temperatures being too hot!
I write about all this, it is my only two way conversation bringing on what I know and sometimes what I did not know, all with much patience enduring moments a bit dark weighing in on the present times. I cannot hide my honesty within myself or otherwise. It is what validates further more this journey we have embarked ourselves on.
The skies have finally changed. I realized that the word "complaining" is not the right one. As everything else it should be "acceptance" which I do fairly well these days coupled with the thought that there is always someone worse off than us. Always. The ceiling is now pure blue but the winds are still howling and the temperatures are not yet going up. We have been here for a week now and I decided we will stay another one. I like Ken’s Lake and we have good Internet reception to stay in touch with our printer. Our book is officially done with its contents and cover, a fact still hard to believe for myself and our editor. We will now wait for the real thing, as I call it, to be mailed to us and read it… again… as this will be the last time any corrections can be made. Another couple of weeks? Maybe three? Good things take time I am being told.
Out and about there has not been any need for winter gear. The weather flipped and the temperatures rose. We did not stay put. We cannot. We played on Kane Creek Road making a U turn before Hurray Pass leading to Chicken Corners. We did because that is where we broke down a few years ago and had to be towed to Salt Lake City! My comfort zone is today narrower and more pleasant than ever throughout our riding. We went up and down Potash Road and Schaffer Trail, another one of my favorite spaces riding right in between millions of years of erosion. I realize now Mother’s Day was a week ago and tomorrow we will leave for higher elevations towards Colorado, again making sure we stay within the boundaries of Internet reception, a fact that is starting to be annoying. A hindrance…
And… eventually, soon, the release date will be announced.
Stay well, validate your Life…
Ara and Spirit