This past Sunday marked the ten year Anniversary since Lance departed. I remembered the words of a traveler from Scotland I met in Montana with whom I had a long conversation. He had also lost his own Child. At the time, 13 years ago:
"You go on" he said, "the good days start outweighing the bad days as time goes on, even if the frustration of those dead end mind sets keep visiting the past moments, present and future".
Sometimes I do wish all of this was fiction.
I can hear the silence this morning as also the voices of ten years past. I still ask too many questions and so many have never come through with an answer I can quite accept. The faith is present even if shaky at times, I mean the faith of life. With the sun blasting while rising over Nine Points, shadows should not be present on this unobstructed flat land we are residing on throughout these few winter months. How can there be some darkness in the soul when all is lit as it is?
At the same I think that it is not so bad after all to be human when one can navigate on the avenues of the good memories, even if the shoulders bring on such shadows from his pain suffered long ago. The hours creep up one at the time. It is amazing how the mind works as even if not believing in this man made unit called a clock, I still relive such numbers past. Eight hours to go, six hours to go, time is approaching. One more circle will close. Ten years ago today, Lance’s last breath. That one. The final one.
I want to stay busy and not, all at the same time. I sit by him but the images are too strong, the physical and mental pain of those days is not something I want to describe even to myself. I need to jump the fence and see instead his courage and his smile, hear his last words. The truth is, feeling too much leaves me numb and at times apprehensive towards our own life and path chosen.
I have said everything there was to be said these past years. I thought I had but maybe not, as one never stops feeling. Some of us. I know some do not quite as strongly while more or less blinded by other more important aspects of life, one being self gratification within this changed world and society we live in. Priorities surrounding me have so much changed these past years as mine have gone against the grain. I cannot swim with the flow anymore as my worthy peaks do not match the ones from others. My own current with its formidable strength plays with me making me stronger than ever while swimming always towards the brightness on the horizon.
Ten years ago I would have never imagined spending this day on this deserted land with only the company of Spirit who is amazingly keeping me afloat more often than not. I try so hard to live the moment as he does. This is however one day I am glad to be human as in this confrontational reality, nothing will ever be the same as I come to the realization that indeed, the truth resides within those changes.
Yesterday was "the day before that day". The one we never know about as suddenly without warning "that day" arrives and the changes take place within not even seconds but only one, if that long. Spirit and I went for a short ride. A package arriving containing his new collars kept me busy. They are from HALO BELT and light up at night as filled with fiber optic LED’s. All was my outlet throughout time passing by and keeping me busy.
The heart was not as heavy as these present moments. I know that life will go on for as long as I am allowed to with the knowledge we need to make the best of it as we have done so far. As I have read all my entries while writing our book, the many entries from the 800 and more chapters present, they have reminded me of the so many valleys and peaks we have traveled through. As a I heard the other day, they will always be present. We just need to keep on twisting that throttle and pushing forward. The choice is always ours. There cannot be any compromises, it would be a slippery slope, one too easy to slide off and let the world go by instead of us going by.
There was the day before that day. It is now the day after that day. Lance has never stopped teaching me the values of life and yesterday was no exception. His lesson was about friendship and it leaves me stronger than ever. The Oasis has become an island for us with its silence and peacefulness unobtainable anywhere else. It is isolated yet easily reachable as we are in more ways than one. Our lives have no built in barrier separating us from our friends, and yet, the ancient definition of friendship itself has changed over the years.
Away from this island the world will continue spinning as it should, as it has for so many years and society itself will continue stepping on a path which unfortunately keeps changing with time. True friends are rare these days. The ones that won’t let another friend walk alone. I do miss the old days.
Ara and Spirit