It all comes out here, thoughts, feelings, impressions. A true reality of Life. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes not. All. They are after all my pages…
“True beauty is a ray
That springs from the sacred depths of the soul,
and illuminates the body, just as life
springs from the kernel of a stone and
gives color and scent to a flower.”
~ Kahlil Gibran ~
Where did the day go by as I feel the sun setting earlier than usual. They are for sure getting shorter as I feel ourselves on our last “hoopla” of this season while others so many themselves off the road, children in schools, vacations over. These are some of the best times. Should be if I did not feel as riding this daily giant roller coaster called Life. Only also if the rains would stop. We made it to the vicinities of “Valley of the Gods” and the muddy reddish waters are running forcefully throughout each entrance. There was a time we would have made it through, probably could have today, yet, I have promised myself to back off on such occasions. The truth is I am not finding any more pleasure in such situations. I must be getting softer, I know I am. Nothing like feeling safe versus brushing elbows with the uncertainty of such passages. The space is not going anywhere, it might even dry up soon as the heat of the sun is still of a powerful one when the clouds allow it.
Old Faithful is now “Dr Old Faithful”! The miles keep helping my sciatica by the day and that is most likely what my body needed after too many weeks of inactivity. So we put on more miles and more miles, as many as I can. The threat of not riding is passing right by us. Back pains have not totally vanished, they come and go, maybe and probably will need some serious care once we are back in Texas.
I started thinking about the significance of this space called “Valley of the Gods” since we are now here. Since I so much felt the call. Thoughts unravel at times and sometimes not. Tomorrow will be the Anniversary of my Mother’s passing away 5 months ago and as the steps of grieving materialize to no end as they should and do, for the first time my sadness as someone asked me the other day if I felt like “an Orphan” as I replied “yes”, for the first time my thoughts instead went on reading into her own stage of accomplishments for a woman of 86 being single since her early 30’s. So much has come back with much viewing into her pages which unraveled with no rest from her proud and dignified path always on her own two feet and her own deep thoughts plowing ahead to the top of her carrier and personal Life.
I meant so much to her being her only Child. She meant so much to me being my closest Friend. Of course I miss our conversations, our presence even if great distances separated us physically, but this space today has opened doors I can step through and visualize more than a sadness state of mind which has followed me these weeks. It is certain, it is the reason of our coming here, there is something very magical about this red earth, about this ground called Earth which at one time the legend goes mated with the Sun and created her soldiers keeping a watchful eye on us and more.
The voices here speak to me with volume on this morning. They give me a confidence of a future path versus a loss of a purpose of Life I have been feeling lately. A loss of the senses which happens when suddenly another hole is dug so close to one’s Heart. I feel as the last of the Mohicans still standing up and digging deep to extract the courage lately too often hidden, a courage needed to go on because I cannot say “what else is there to loose when you have lost it all?”. I use to, I have, and it has taken years to realize we each have and must have our own worth throughout our own Journey. Giving up would be too easy. Lance never gave up, my Mother never gave up. Unfortunately I don’t know much about my Father. I will not give up neither as I have not for the past years.
As the miles pass by and the wheels keep turning, the physical ones and the mental ones all at the same time, I am having a hard time keeping the real Life separate from my own inner one. The power of plowing has definitely slowed down. That forward momentum has lost some of it’s steam and I have to let it ride till it’s sails fill again as not long ago with the power needed to balance my nights and days. Amazing that I know the recipe for this road ahead but right now filled with too much of an inability to produce. It was at first frustrating till I understood this is how it will be for a while. The word “adapting” always resurfaces inch by inch into a new reality a bit fragile at the moment.
I don’t know how long we will stay here. The fall weather isn’t as the spring weather and much rain curtails some of the spaces we have normally gone to in the past. Mother Nature is not talking to me as she use to. It might be she is, might be I am not as receptive as I use to be and again patience is the key, will be the key to a future near by. I feel as Mother Nature is grieving with me. “The Oasis” is in the back of my mind, yet I know once there it will be hard to leave if nothing else considering the physical distances. I keep thinking to discipline myself and finally write this “Book” I have been meaning to for quite a while now. A Book started a few times yet never finished as I realize such a task cannot be interrupted. I just feel it is that time as these present pages will then come to a stand still. I feel the need to relive through my own pages the path of these past years as a self help for these times present.
Till next time…
Ara and Spirit