“How deep is your Ocean” TX

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Paragraphs of Daily Thoughts and much Mental Therapy. Photos. Sometimes Videos. Published Weekly or so.

The Oasis-5 xxx

What are you waiting for?
She’s Here.
She’s a star, somewhere in the night time sky

The snow has come down on top of everything,
The town, is alive and well without you.
The lights – they peer out of the leafless trees,
And you won’t be alone, I am beside you.

True love – the stars in the sky illuminate below,
The light is the sign that love will guide you home.
The stars in the sky illuminate below,
If the world were to die, the light will guide you.

Tears spilling out across a dead end street,
Your house is a lonely box that holds you.
A star, bright and loud, is in dire need,
Of that fear – it is an empty fear inside you.

True love – the stars in the sky illuminate below,
The light is the sign that love will guide you home.
The stars in the sky illuminate below,
If the world were to die, the light will guide you.

She’s a star…

By Angels and Airwaves

Flowers-4 xxx

I read the words written these past days and I suddenly discover between the lines so much anger. So much so I delete paragraph after paragraph. All. Putting it in writing did cure me from some of it though.
"The Oasis " these few days is channeling my present moments as I have to let them be while between the images of just a couples weeks ago and a closure yet not arrived.
I feel weak these days as more has now been taken away and I find ourselves all alone on a path once again dealing with a dark card. Life is what it is. "Deal with it" I tell myself as I have before too many of times.
We are here just for a few days as I will have to one more time leave Spirit behind and fly back to Munich for 2 weeks. I am trying to see clearly through this situation when so much is being demanded for a Certificate of Death and an Urn I cannot yet bring back. And one more time I find out today, again will have to return. I never imagined there would be such a bureaucracy struggle.

The Oasis-2 xxx

I am trying. Trying to catch up with my emotion’s vibrations throughout all the scales humanly possible. All is so intense, valleys and peaks of suddenly different colors at times wondering if it is really of a positive aspect to be here so isolated, by choice. Deep down I know it is. And yet, there is no avoidance. I know I will get stronger as I have in the past. All is so raw specially on this Sunday which was always a tradition besides weekdays to call my Mother as now only the phone rests in it’s cradle.

Spirit-6 xxx

Spirit has been quiet. By me on some long walks without too much of a desire to run unlike when Paul and Voni were taking care of him. We are one. I try to cheer him up to maybe cheer myself up. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. He knows I love him when he puts his head under my arm or rubs his head against my leg and takes a bit sigh as I do. "It is you and I now Buddy" I tell him. Will make it through this also. "I have plans" I tell him. I make plans to take me away from the "now" when it gets a bit too heavy and burdening with an unlike weakness. "Why not?" I think. I never quite have before, making plans. They take me on a future path a bit.

Spirit-5 xxx

Spirit-7 xxx

Packing. Stopping. Packing again. I forget what I was doing. I loose what I was looking for. I start a new list which these days is a must as I would be lost without it. It is already a few pages long. That is a good sign as we will not be back here for quite a while. We have not been anywhere only to check the mail a couple miles away. Slippery steps. This is the reality. Munich was not while lost in the Urban brouhaha keeping the mind too busy as with a veil over it to not get too close to the images seen at the Hospital. The reel is here now. I cannot close my eyes without seeing it’s projection and wondering so naively "how can this be?". Just "how?".

Flowers xxx

Someone not too long ago blamed me for riding too much on the "axis of pain". Her words. That expression keeps coming back. How insensitive. What shoes are they the ones she is wearing? The ones which made her one day write that she cried when she sold her old used car? Priorities misplaced. Just an example. I get tired of too much criticism from a few which do not look at themselves in their own mirror. And see, really see, not just look. Go away. I try to forget, not hear or listen. I do try to find the good in many. There is. It is there. Often. They know who they are. They are the ones that at the present carry us on with their wings open as they are letting us rest on them and fly away from sometimes such an absurd reality. They are my Friends. Ones I have met, ones I have not yet sending in their own words from their kind hearts. Thank You.

The Oasis-6 xxx

Sleeping is my escape. I hear no complains from Spirit. He likes to sleep also. I read till the words get fuzzy and on I go. Away. Waking up raises the curtain too suddenly. The reel starts spinning again. Deep breaths, one moment at the time. Be strong as "The Road" is not far and another Mother awaits for us, "Mother Nature". She will heal I know as she has done before. She "is" here.

Spirit-2 xxx

Spirit-3 xxx

Sunday seems to be an eternity. Another long walk with Spirit while watching these two birds who have been flying around here these past days. I cannot help believing my Mother and Lance are now together watching upon us. What is the harm? The ground is soft unlike the hard urban pavement. Nature penetrates me as the wind takes away the dark spirits contained unwillingly throughout my being. The colors are not as bright but they will again soon. I forgot how strong Mother Nature’s Medicine is. More flowers I discover, never seen so many around here. I do smile at them. They are brighter suddenly and of all colors which themselves take some of the inner darkness away. I am thankful to be here if only for a few days. There is help.

Sunset xxx

Sunset-7 xxx

How odd as all the moments of Life has brought me here. All those moments from birth to now. 65 years almost as I forget too often my own age. Swimming from the depth of an Ocean called Life encountering the unexpected challenges of the mind and soul. Just moments ago I only wanted to disappear, hole myself deep into back to those floors so dark from their depth, but I cannot as I will come to the surface and feel the waves, feel the spray and the winds moved on by the so many other true souls which surrounds us.

Sunset-5 xxx

Sunset-12 xxx

It is through pain we gain wisdom. "Wisdom". How well do I know it’s process as I feel so lucky to have found this stage unlike any other so foreign to too many. There is no "pity party" as someone wrote being the norm for also too many. Not an option here.
Night has descended now. The winds are cool, the stars have moved in, way up there as guarding us, watching us, sending a good feel as to not drown.

How deep is "your Ocean?"

Computer FB

Stay well,
               Ara and Spirit

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6 Responses to ““How deep is your Ocean” TX”

  1. MsBelinda Says:

    I wish there were some magic words I could say that would make your pain a little less…as I know it is impossible for it to fully go away. However, nothing I or anyone else can say can make your loss any less bearable. Only time and the knowledge that your mother is in a better place will perhaps help you find closure and healing.

    Know that your readers are here for you…to listen and be there if you need us.

  2. Box Canyon Blogger/Artful RV Adventurer Says:

    Ara, you get the best sunsets at your place in Texas. Welcome back.
    Box Canyon Blogger, mark and bobbie

  3. texascindy Says:

    I can feel the roller coaster ride that you are on through your words. Only this one is not so fun to ride. I have often heard said that without the valleys we would not be able to appreciate the mountain tops. I can only offer prayers that this valley that you are in right now will lead to the most beautiful mountaintop you have yet to experience. I fully understand that the notion of anything being “good” again is not an easy one to hold onto right now. Time will not make the pain go away. You know this all too well. The passage of time and the love of friends will bring you to a place of healing though. Remember not too long ago you said that this pst winter left you in a good place. That “place” is still there. You just have to find it again. I know you will. Hugs.

  4. Pamela in Louisiana Says:

    The flowers on the cactus, could the yellow be from Lance, the pink ones from your mother? Perhaps their way of letting you know they are in a happier place? The day my dad was buried was a very still and hot day, yet a soft gust of wind blew through as the service was ending, and I took that as a final goodbye from him, taking it as his passing to a better place. Some may think it’s odd for me to feel that way, but it truly comforted me at the time. Spirits’ sighs are cleansing and his contentment showing, as yours probably are, too. Sigh often…..

  5. Zelda Says:

    Ah yes the flowers are beautiful in the desert just now. And, as I told myself during a time of great pain and a move far away, “see, the same stars are shining here just as they used to shine at home” When they came out at night I was comforted to be in a friendly place not so far from home after all.
    Wishing you and Spirit safe travels as we all keep you in our thoughts,
    Zelda (Pam)

  6. Curtis in Seminole Says:

    I think maybe the weather is changing. Maybe when you get back, there will be rain. Then the flowers will really come on. Nothing like the desert after it gets a drink.
    People who live where it snows look at the spring when it turns green as a special time. But nothing is like the desert when there is water. We don’t get a lot, but it does not just turn green, it turns COLORS
    Via con dios

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