Paragraphs of Daily Thoughts and much Mental Therapy. Published Weekly or so.
Today, April 12th 2013, one more Star is shining in the skies. This was written the days preceding.
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting,
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."
— Mary Oliver
A block away, an ancient cemetery. A space where I found peace and quiet for a couple hours reminiscing amongst the ones already in this passage of Life.
“You will have another star in the night sky to lift your eyes to, and another voice to whisper loving thoughts to your ears when you need them.”
Thank You my Friend.
I pace the apartment where once my Mother’s cheerful and loving voice and presence filled in the walls now all in between empty of only fond memories already present. Words have been scarce, the mind overflowing of thoughts in disarray on a stage unprepared and unrehearsed. It was a hard decision and an easy one all at the same time to have her Life support taken away a couple days ago. Her and I have had too many talks about the subject, a subject I always wanted to avoid, one she did not. "Hope" came to a dead end and the reality was in truthfulness not even a decision, only an aspect of Life, of taking away the sweet breaths which had given me my childhood as they were vanishing away without asking a permission.
So unprepared. How can one be while thousands of miles away only connected through a phone line trying to decipher the true reality of her well being too often hidden and tucked away as to not worry me. Another passage to feel and witness. It will be a Peaceful one, with Dignity, a painless one, for her as for myself I am trying once again to put in play my own acceptance as difficult as it may be. It seems as another circle is closing in. I was born not too far from here almost now 65 years ago. The European Culture made me who I am. The travels into the foreign countries where grand parents, uncles and aunts and cousins resided made me understood as we might look different, think on different paths, yet with respect toward such variety of Cultures we are indeed all one Heart the same.
I am tired, exhausted, or is it a numbness that is taking over trying to keep it "all" together"? One more push as there will be many throughout the days to come. I miss Spirit who is in good hands right now back in Texas. His presence is however with me as it is easy to imagine him laying at my feet, glancing at my own eyes at times for an assurance of being together as much as he knows we are. No, there is no time to be tired. There must be another word for it. Mental and physical energy is the need right now. The must have, cannot let myself down or my Mother.
The World keeps on spinning as hers has stopped. Under dark gray skies and a coolness in the air I watch everyone going on to their business of their own Lives. All of this is only part of such Life, one can accept it an emerge, one if so they choose can "not" accept it and themselves succumb into the shadows of a path destroying their own inner richness and wealth. Not an option as it wasn’t also a few years back.
The memorabilias here are everywhere. Photos of past times are hanging on every wall. Lance throughout his own years is here and there and more. My Grand Parents are watching me sometimes with a stern look, often with a smile. Some relatives I do not recognize are mixed in not saying a word. There is myself in my younger years with a grin, a mustache and curly hair. All is making me smile, taking it all in as, soon, they will be moved making room for a new tenant who will never know of this then past sanctuary as my Mother has been here for over twenty years.
I was at the Hospital by myself yesterday. My Aunt was too exhausted. So was my Uncle. It is a bit as the "blind leading the blind". She is also up in age, One eye barely seeing, the other one blind. She can barely hear, her ankles makes it difficult for her to walk from a severe past automobile accident. My Uncle does alright, yet also in not so good health, another heart of gold, our nature. A City in itself the Hospital’s main building is of 13 stories high. There she was, breathing on her own, heavily sedated for pain, no food, no oxygen, no "nothing". Her eyes opened up and even as paralyzed I believe I saw a smile from the corner of her mouth and a spark in her eyes following me as I moved in closed to her to kiss her, to stroke her hair, her neck, whispering how much I Love her and how all is going to be well.
It is the time of her passage, it is that time. There is no pain only in my Heart that cries of already so much missing her, slowly loosing my Best Friend. Who will I talk to so freely as over the Years the Mother and Son relationship made room for two Best Friends relationship with endless conversations filled with so much understanding, respect and agreements of disagreements. How beautiful it has been. And now what?
One more day. It has been a week now. The little bit of warmth in me has vanished. I am cold in this weather, this mental state of hours going by, half awake, half asleep trying to pull the strings together to keep it all in a bundle with no loose ends. A new brain scan yesterday is not showing any changes to the worse or to the better. She must be so exhausted and the Dr’s are surprised she is still alive. I am not. We are stubborn in the Family and we don’t give up so easily. We have a meeting today as they want to present me one more time with options of times to come. The situation is irreversible and they are, the Hospital, just trying to protect themselves.
Put her back on Life support and let her lay there conscienceless, paralyzed, lifeless, or as before the same decision to let her go with the Dignity and Peace of Life she deserves. I am upset and so is my Aunt and Uncle at even the thought of such discussion.
The Medical orders remain the same. The team of Doctors find it the only path to remain on. We wait. It is quiet in this foreign land, surreal it is, hard to comprehend. The footsteps are heavy, silence prevails. We wait some more.
Stay well. Ara and Spirit