Weaving the end of my Mother’s Life. Munich.

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

Paragraphs of Daily Thoughts and much Mental Therapy. Published Weekly or so.

Today, April 12th 2013, one more Star is shining in the skies. This was written the days preceding.

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting,
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things." 
— Mary Oliver

A block away, an ancient cemetery. A space where I found peace and quiet for a couple hours reminiscing amongst the ones already in this passage of Life.

Munich Cemetery-26 xxx

“You will have another star in the night sky to lift your eyes to, and another voice to whisper loving thoughts to your ears when you need them.”
Thank You my Friend.

Munich Cemetery-3 xxx

I pace the apartment where once my Mother’s cheerful and loving voice and presence filled in the walls now all in between empty of only fond memories already present. Words have been scarce, the mind overflowing of thoughts in disarray on a stage unprepared and unrehearsed. It was a hard decision and an easy one all at the same time to have her Life support taken away a couple days ago. Her and I have had too many talks about the subject, a subject I always wanted to avoid, one she did not. "Hope" came to a dead end and the reality was in truthfulness not even a decision, only an aspect of Life, of taking away the sweet breaths which had given me my childhood as they were vanishing away without asking a permission.

Munich Cemetery-14 xxx

So unprepared. How can one be while thousands of miles away only connected through a phone line trying to decipher the true reality of her well being too often hidden and tucked away as to not worry me. Another passage to feel and witness. It will be a Peaceful one, with Dignity, a painless one, for her as for myself I am trying once again to put in play my own acceptance as difficult as it may be. It seems as another circle is closing in. I was born not too far from here almost now 65 years ago. The European Culture made me who I am. The travels into the foreign countries where grand parents, uncles and aunts and cousins resided made me understood as we might look different, think on different paths, yet with respect toward such variety of Cultures we are indeed all one Heart the same.

Munich Cemetery-3 xxx (2)

I am tired, exhausted, or is it a numbness that is taking over trying to keep it "all" together"? One more push as there will be many throughout the days to come. I miss Spirit who is in good hands right now back in Texas. His presence is however with me as it is easy to imagine him laying at my feet, glancing at my own eyes at times for an assurance of being together as much as he knows we are. No, there is no time to be tired. There must be another word for it. Mental and physical energy is the need right now. The must have, cannot let myself down or my Mother.

Munich Cemetery-21 xxx

The World keeps on spinning as hers has stopped. Under dark gray skies and a coolness in the air I watch everyone going on to their business of their own Lives. All of this is only part of such Life, one can accept it an emerge, one if so they choose can "not" accept it and themselves succumb into the shadows of a path destroying their own inner richness and wealth. Not an option as it wasn’t also a few years back.

Munich Cemetery-24 xxx

The memorabilias here are everywhere. Photos of past times are hanging on every wall. Lance throughout his own years is here and there and more. My Grand Parents are watching me sometimes with a stern look, often with a smile. Some relatives I do not recognize are mixed in not saying a word. There is myself in my younger years with a grin, a mustache and curly hair. All is making me smile, taking it all in as, soon, they will be moved making room for a new tenant who will never know of this then past sanctuary as my Mother has been here for over twenty years.

Munich Cemetery-27 xxx

I was at the Hospital by myself yesterday. My Aunt was too exhausted. So was my Uncle. It is a bit as the "blind leading the blind". She is also up in age, One eye barely seeing, the other one blind. She can barely hear, her ankles makes it difficult for her to walk from a severe past automobile accident. My Uncle does alright, yet also in not so good health, another heart of gold, our nature. A City in itself the Hospital’s main building is of 13 stories high. There she was, breathing on her own, heavily sedated for pain, no food, no oxygen, no "nothing". Her eyes opened up and even as paralyzed I believe I saw a smile from the corner of her mouth and a spark in her eyes following me as I moved in closed to her to kiss her, to stroke her hair, her neck, whispering how much I Love her and how all is going to be well.

Munich Cemetery-18 xxx

It is the time of her passage, it is that time. There is no pain only in my Heart that cries of already so much missing her, slowly loosing my Best Friend. Who will I talk to so freely as over the Years the Mother and Son relationship made room for two Best Friends relationship with endless conversations filled with so much understanding, respect and agreements of disagreements. How beautiful it has been. And now what? 

Munich Cemetery-23 xxx

One more day. It has been a week now. The little bit of warmth in me has vanished. I am cold in this weather, this mental state of hours going by, half awake, half asleep trying to pull the strings together to keep it all in a bundle with no loose ends. A new brain scan yesterday is not showing any changes to the worse or to the better. She must be so exhausted and the Dr’s are surprised she is still alive. I am not. We are stubborn in the Family and we don’t give up so easily. We have a meeting today as they want to present me one more time with options of times to come. The situation is irreversible and they are, the Hospital, just trying to protect themselves.

Munich Cemetery-8 xxx

Put her back on Life support and let her lay there conscienceless, paralyzed, lifeless, or as before the same decision to let her go with the Dignity and Peace of Life she deserves. I am upset and so is my Aunt and Uncle at even the thought of such discussion.

Munich Cemetery-12 xxx

The Medical orders remain the same. The team of Doctors find it the only path to remain on. We wait. It is quiet in this foreign land, surreal it is, hard to comprehend. The footsteps are heavy, silence prevails. We wait some more.

Stay well. Ara and Spirit

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18 Responses to “Weaving the end of my Mother’s Life. Munich.”

  1. scruffy Says:

    We all hold you in our hearts Ara, and Spirit listens for your approach ~

  2. Beth Richardson Says:

    Ara, thinking and praying for you and for your mother and family. Thank you for posting this beautiful reflection.

    Beth Richardson

  3. Don McGilvray Says:

    Ara ~ I wish there was some way I could communicate to you my heartfelt sorrow for your present situation. I have been there twice so far in my 72 years, first with my father, then again with my mother. It reached a point for me where I was praying for each of them to pass on to their maker, as it was terribly obvious that their journey here was done, but that strong will to live within them would not allow their passing until the time was right for them…

    I hope that you can find the continued strength necessary during this most trying of times. Be of stout heart, my friend!
    Don

  4. Dee Says:

    Ara, my heart is breaking for what you are having to go through! I wish, as a friend, there was something I could do to help you through this, but I know that is not possible. Keep your thoughts strong, and remember that Spirit is awaiting your return! Have courage, Ara and know many are keeping you in their prayers – me included! Dee

  5. Doug smith Says:

    The cycle of life, a painful route.
    Losing my Mother 2 years ago @ 88 years of age, I relate.
    We took on the responsibility of home care for her during her final months.
    A difficult journey that we can now cherish, regardless of the difficulties it presented.
    Would not have had it any other way.
    Be strong my friend.

  6. Pamela in Louisiana Says:

    Ara, we do not know each other, but I’ve read your blog for a long, long time. I wish to offer some thoughts to you and hope you realize I say them only wanting to offer you some comfort at this hard time in your life….
    It is not the doctors choice, your choice or anyone elses choice, it will be Gods’ choice of the time for your mothers departure, and when that time comes she won’t be gone, she will have merely risen beyond your reach for awhile. You are being given the chance to make precious memories while your mother is still with you, even though we wish it could be in better circumstances. Cherish each breath she takes, any sign of recognition toward you she makes. Love her and let her know it, even if only by a gentle touch, caressing her hair or rubbing her neck or hand. She knows, she really does. My heart goes out to you, I’ve experienced the same when losing my father. My father is now one of the brightest stars in the night sky. Thank you for updating your readers. Praying for quiet peace for you and you mother~

  7. Sven Peter Says:

    Some people say a person in coma would not notice anything. Others say they do. I am sure she will notice Your presence. I have passed nights in intensive care at the side of my brother in law. He might not have noticed it at that time. But the one above listened to my prayers and put him back on his feet.
    Be there with her for her soul and get your own mind into peace, thats all what counts at this moment. God will take care of the rest.
    Sven

  8. Suzanne Says:

    I’m so sorry. This is such a difficult thing for you to be going through, especially as you are her only son and all the decisions are left to you. A very lonely feeling I would imagine. I am thinking and praying for you and your mom and believe with all my heart that soon she will be with your son.

  9. texascindy Says:

    Oh, Ara. I’ve been thinking of you almost constantly these last few days. I could only hope and prayer that the strength you needed would come. Your words lend a beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. Peace and dignity: that is all anyone should hope to have as their earthly life draws to a close. Take care, dear friend, and know you are loved.
    Safe travels wher’er you go. Cindy

  10. charlie6 Says:

    My deepest condolences Sir….

  11. MsBelinda Says:

    I can not even presume to know what you are going thorough and feeling at this difficult time in your life.

    Rejoice in the fact that your mother is still alive and that she knows of your presence and live these moments to the fullest.

    May you and your aunt and uncle have the strength and fortitude to carry on during these very trying times.

  12. brian wrabley Says:

    Your eloquence is a wonderful tribute to your Mother! How fortunate you both were to have had each other for such a length of time ( never enough). All your experiences have rewarded you with the understanding of the importance of relationships, and even though you were separated by an ocean she remained your best friend. I know by your words and despite your pain, you will be fine, you understand the loss, but even more you understand what a treasure your relationship with your Mother was, and that remains with you. I wish you the physical strength you need to carry you through all you must do, the mental strength comes resounding through in your words!

  13. Queenie Says:

    Thinking of you Ara. Thinking of Peace and Strength. You will hold on. You will do what you have to do. And then you will come home to Spirit, and the desert, and the friends who hold you so dear. You are so loved and respected. Know that.

  14. Gary Lytle Says:

    You and your family is in our prayers for a peaceful resolution of this sad situation. We hope all goes well in the future and you get back to your buddy Spirit in the near future.

  15. skiJ Says:

    my Condolences , Ara …

    a favotie poem of mine goes …

    perhaps they are not stars , but
    holes in the heavens – allowing our loved ones to
    smile down on us
    letting us know(,) they are happy .

    … wishing you peace. with love, skiJ

  16. DaMonk Says:

    There is nothing I can say that has not already been said.
    Thank you for your words and your thoughts.

    Prayers are with you and yours at this time.

    DaMonk

  17. Robert Wilson Says:

    I will not say anymore than I’m sorry for your loss. Your writing and photography captures more about your loss and feelings than my mere words can say.
    Thank you for letting us share that.

  18. linda & vahe najarian Says:

    Dear Ara,

    With regret we received today the email from your Uncle Franz that your beloved mother, Manouche passed away on April 12. She will be remembered by us as a vivacious, dynamic, interesting and interested woman. We will pass the news on to our mutual friend Seran Megerian here in Atlanta. As your time of grieving weighs less heavy on you, may you be left with tender happy memories of a loving mother and a life well lived. Rest In Peace, Manouche. She is now enfolded in the warm sublime Grace of the Universe.

    Linda & Vahe Najarian

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