Paragraphs of Daily Thoughts and much Mental Therapy. Photos. Published Weekly or so.
“Say not in grief, she is no more, but live in thankfulness that she was!”
As he also, Lance was.
I have learned so much these past years and seemingly have passed on I am told the seeds blown my way. That simple fact itself was never intentional. Now so worthy, it has become a reason I must say adding this incredible sharing aspect that has lined the path of such past times and will continue also for future times as long as I am allowed to do as such with my Buddy Spirit. I am for now still in Munich for a few more days, the many pounds of files are tucked away as the gears are now turning fueled by an amazingly complex bureaucracy toward which I will bypass it’s details as they make my head spin when I think about it.
A few more days. Some quality time with Spirit upcoming, unpacking, repacking and heading up to Colorado Springs where Spirit again will be looked after as I need to come back next month to retrieve my Mother’s remains with the hope that some much needed "official" documents will be by then ready. "Time" is my luxury I seem sometimes to forget. Maybe it is the urban environment within which I feel tension building up, a pace unknown or more ",forgotten". I can only hope the timing will be right as these round trips cannot happen again more than once.
The skies have turned to their blues this morning, the little I can see between the roofs, the chimneys and the antennas, all man made barriers cutting off the vision of a horizon I miss so much. It is a little patch I will be happy with as I suddenly so much I feel being in the driver seat of this vehicle we call "Life". It is more so now than ever as my co-pilots are gone. Spirit will fill much of the void in his own sense of affection, respect Love and devotion with his Heart of Gold he posses. I know he will as he always has since day one. It is comforting to know those times again will be present painted by, yes, the "thankfulness" of bright and Heart warming memories fueled by a much needed and present strength.
My "thankfulness" is also directed toward the so many kind words expressed by the also so many feeling part of this Journey. I can only hope to return such well articulated thoughts when in times of "others" needs as such "needs" are always present while Friendships develop and blossom. It is quite a stage to be on I must admit, a door which opened up these years past allowing us to be amongst you and vice versa. It was I always realize a decision well taken crumbling the walls which were surrounding us and letting us free on this taken road.
I roam around from window to window, from room to room in this apartment still so filled with memories and now an absent voice. Another presence with no physical hugs. This space seems to be noisier by the day. Was it quieter or was it just me? I hear the cars, the scooters, the trucks, the buses, all so well defined. I hear at night even from this third floor the sound of high heels pounding the pavement while coming and going through this block of buildings after buildings. All calms down but too soon starts over again. Tumultuous thoughts. I try to get back into my own space of the moment but I am trailing or way too ahead of myself wondering how is all this is going to affect me. For the better? for the worse? Am I going to truly find the courage to again grip on the path? Too many questions. I know they are too many which should not be asked but I cannot help it right now.
I don’t know if all of this has yet sank in. I am wondering if I should know. Maybe not as I feel neither here or there a bit too often with a chest pounding from an unknown anticipation I should so totally disregard as I know better yet unable to apply it’s concept. I need to go out and myself move this body which has too much lately been dormant. The temperatures have warmed up, a single short sleeve T shirt can only mean Spring is here as the balconies surrounding me are filling up with flowers in their pots since only cement and cold iron prevail. It is the same for the store fronts suddenly stocked up on the colors to come in their few sizes and shapes. Maybe those little frames of colors is what giving everyone some hope, a barometer of which month we are and maybe even a glimpse of their future when finally retiring into a country setting. If.
Spirit and I are so spoiled with Mother Nature I feel. A little patch of sun through a window here is enough for it’s occupant to pull up a chair, their legs over the ledge, and get some rays even if so minute while closing their eyes and maybe imagining themselves into a more exotic setting. My Soul is surviving only with the thoughts of being reunited with Spirit in a few days while back at "The Oasis" even if we have to move on and even if again I will have to leave him behind this time around for only a couple weeks.
I finally went out last evening while still daylight as the days are also here getting much longer. I thought about eating out in this little Vietnamese Restaurant my Mother and I had been twice. I passed by it and it was crowded. I could not go in. I went on a little bit further, more Cafés and outdoor Restaurants. Again I could not bring myself to sit down and eat. There is a language barrier, yet most everyone does speak English, more or less. I felt more than ever as a stranger in a strange land. How odd I thought, me… the so called World traveler feeling so locked into my cocoon unable to merge out and mingle if only with a chair and a table. So I came back and had another sandwich as I have only cooked once since I have been here. I think I have had enough sandwiches to last me a Lifetime.
Another bad night. I fell off the bed and in stupor wondered for a moment where I was. I feel exhausted this morning but I am going to another Museum. I have to push myself if I don’t want to start reading this 5th book that is awaiting for me. There are enough Museums here to occupy years of weekends. And then on it will be Sunday. The day everything is closed. Then on Monday which will be a busy day meeting with an Attorney to retrieve some paperwork translated in English, another meeting with the Funeral Home to find out if this "International Certificate of Death" will actually be ready by the end of May. There is more, I have it all written down in my calendar which without I would be right now even more lost.
The "Deutsches Museum". It is huge, head spinning. Again a well worth visit which actually would take days if one wants to see and read it all. The ticket was good for a couple more Museums throughout town but by mid afternoon I had enough as it took me an hour in itself to find the exit. Now, looking at the map I realize I missed some displays besides the aeronautics, computers, marine, “fotos and film”, power machinery, electric power, space which I did walk through. Maybe next time.
“Fotos and Film”
And there was so much more left for another time and day…
This early “computer”, ‘Remington Brand” now fits in your smart phone and does it not counting the camera!
Ara and Spirit