Archive for August, 2012

It is never enough… is all getting "old"?

Monday, August 20th, 2012

“My  Personal Daily Therapy, published Weekly or so…”

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.  Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”
~ Ayn Rand ~

Tonopah-19 xxx

A favorite of mine and how fitting it is to play this today. “A Day Without Rain” from “Enya”.


Tonopah-12 xxx

Not a moment ever goes away without Lance’s shadow throwing on it’s presence of darkness as much as the joyful memories linger. Those are my dreams. My own realities. There is nothing in this World that can erase such inner feeling of too often loneliness, too often lost without words. The thoughts are always the same. My concern toward others within these written passages are of many as one should toward Friends, and yet I am aware they are to them as redundant as they can be, as they have been for these past almost six years. It is after all my own Life, it was "our Lives" at one time. Another time. The underlying coat of Life’s distrust eating me up my too often tries to emerge. I am used to it, I live with it, it is my own concern if such redundancy might trigger a brouhaha of opinionated voices from at times others.

Tonopah-4 xxx

Written words help me as I know helps others on the same similar path. Watching the clouds move on propelled by those windy forces help me also and so do storms and beauty which at times surrounds me more than other times. I am and have started being very critical choosing my surroundings. I cannot anymore settle for the mundane. Should I say "forests" are boring me? That might be too strong of a statement. Obstructing my vision limited to then only a few feet as green walls built up by the masses. Constricted. Not much choice in summer times as the Deserts are hot. Too hot for us to live on as we can in spring, summer and fall. These times do not bring as much to share as other moments and inward my thoughts continue to grind in the ones of my long lost times.

Tonopah-6 xxx

That is Life! The Glory of life on the road throughout these mental conditions slapped on seemingly so suddenly. The sudden part and aspect are only mine, everything else including the Universe is still spinning as they always have…

Tonopah xxx

Tonight all changed. All day it did as we started heading south. The forests disappeared. Vanished. My Heart opened up as the Deserts came into view, as they were before so strongly contained within my not too distant memory. My momentum calmed down as storms made ways pushing away the blue skies almost enduring these last weeks. Rain, lightning, shadows and darkness all suddenly playing to no end above me. Speechless all left me as also the past heat vanished replaced by a welcome coolness for that one present night. A Gift.

Tonopah-5 xxx

Momentum of the mind like an avalanche of thoughts takes me over and engulfs me as never before. It is enough I feel, I say. And what is it which is enough? I am not lately dealing very well with the gears of society which I am increasingly depending on realizing the trap laid ahead of me as already one foot in the clamps. A different door from years past is trying to close in on me as I realize this time around I do have the key as I will not again be locked in. The way out is on the horizon. Those roads never traveled before. I have learned much these past years. The experiences have left their imprints. Their lessons. Go and go further enduring weather climates or not that is all in the solution. No need for understanding, only to know that soon Spirit and I will be getting into deeper aspects of a Journey to only resurface less often. A decision that has been coming on for too long now.

Tonopah-10 xxx

Tonopah-9 xxx

How can I be not cured from loosing a Child I have been asked. It has been after all 8 long Years. I have no desire to reply too often to such question. Why should I? Do I need to wear my smile "on" in that expectantly constant fashion? I have said it before, I only have one face and this face is seeing old with a need to rejuvenate it’s free flow. A better flow leading to a better understanding. How strange when someone can tell me why am I wasting my years when I could be counseled. What a concept to be told what I already know, expressed by another allowed only as such by a Diploma adorning the center of his/her wall to only arrive to the same conclusion night after night after night that the reality will never change. I think Mother Nature has done a good job herself and so has Spirit and my new and ancient all at the same time Friends. They all try as I do.

Tonopah-14 xxx

Changes… soon. It will have to be "enough" at some point in time. 

Tonopah-18 xxx

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Stay well… Ara and Spirit