“My Personal Daily Therapy, published Weekly or so…”
“There are days as such. There will be more days as such. He is the reason we all know each other, “here” and “there”. He is the source of my courage to be. This promise I made him 8 years ago.”
A touching song from the Movie “Crazy Heart”, “The Weary Kind”.
If my tears had colors tonight they would be red. Empty spaces as myself feels as such. The years have gone by and yet the hurt has not. Am I weak or was I too close to my Child and cannot let go. Unable to go through this present sometimes, the bottom has never stopped from slipping away and loosing a footage never too well planted. Damn it hurts. I have to let the words out, I cannot otherwise even take a step. Must be the dark times of my daily days. The ones behind the curtain. Tired, my eyes half closed his form plays an incessant motion as a dance unfocused on my horizon. Noting matters really, only this dirt under me and the skies above and my buddy Spirit, my Mother, my Friends. I so much wishing I had a twin just as me who would truly understand the corruption of the present senses.
I know it gets better, it will and does and the black hues eventually turn to gray, sometimes even white. If only I could just feel one true hug again, feel those arms of his tight against me feeling his Love. Just once. Maybe some day, maybe this is why we are here. This notion of hardship. The path has split but will rejoin soon as long as the pain subsides and I am allowed to continue this hike. If.
“Families are forever”. It is a wall sign I read in my room at my Friends house. We are forever. Together or not we are. Wish… What a word that is! Does reality happens with wishes? Why not the past in this present has not been continuous? Should I stop my wishes, drop my arms and only confront the thrown reality with no dreams, no ambitions, no aspirations and no thirst for a stage I hunger for which once was? How can this Life, this World surrounding me filled with Friends, a Nature outdoing herself daily, my Buddy, all, how can it suddenly feel so empty with a mind in such melancholy and anguish of days to come.
What happened to all those words I read that are suppose to make me strong? Are they not fitting anymore in that lock opening a door of cheerfulness and smiles and contentment for these present and to come days? Is the tumbler broken? Are the days too long now giving too much time for the mind to think on overtime? What happened these days? Spirit looks at me this morning with his big eyes imploring to shut down this incoming tide. He softens me. Why should he also pay the price of my own gloomy times. He picks me up. My hands caress his shiny coat, his head finds it’s way in between my arms. He sighs as I also sigh as I have to tell him "all will be fine". He knows, he understands. He truly does. Is he the only one?
I understand, sometimes. My surroundings helps me be closer. I do feel I am on the right track, this path becoming long carved one day at the time. I am told I will see him again, but I am not sure. Wish I was. I would chip at those stones even harder but I also know Life has it’s own clock and calendar keeping tomorrow always an unknown. I heard the other day that I was lucky. I often hear that. I said I would trade in a heartbeat. We loose consciousness of what is present. So imperfect we are us "humans". I am lucky to have taken this path. Yes, “that” I am. I am fortunate these years have placed so many caring Friends on this road paved for us. I wonder at times what would have been the outcome of four walls and a wide screen TV?
It is a moment the page needs to be turned as the nights and the days do without missing a heartbeat. We made it to Colorado and spending this first night up in the green hills from Pagosa Springs. Tomorrow we will ride to Lake City and find us a Base Camp since we will be here for a while. Colorado has taken my heart. The constant changes in the scenery, the spaces themselves so inviting. I feel as there is Peace here. Much needed. Calm those thoughts the road fills my mind.
Yes, there are days like this.
In my effort to stay on the road “we” now have a T Shirt and Merchandise store. I think you will like it. “SpiritedOasis”
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You be well… Always.
Ara and Spirit and “Old Faithful”