“My Personal Daily Therapy, published Weekly or so…”
"Nothing can describe overwhelming grief that takes over like a virus, deadens each cell of the body, and consumes every second you breathe." "You owe no apologies to anyone – especially yourself – for taking time to find a way out of this."
~ Jodi LaPalm ~ [Still Life]
I always liked “Lyle Lovett”. I love the humor in this song of his called “Here I am”. Must be heard to the last word…
Quiet this morning, only an airplane buzzing, unusual, must be a local pilot from Terlingua taking advantage of the Sun up in full force. Frost is everywhere, Spirit is looking at me with those imploring eyes "please take me out…". Just a look, no begging as he tries to be comfortable but is not. OK, sorry, must be later than usual. I grab my coffee and we confront the day. I know it is glorious out there, unlike yesterday when the grays remained throughout the resemblance of a guessed daylight. It is time to get it together and go through every items we own and will take with us in a few days. I should know by now, I do, it is more of a game than anything else. Still carrying items I have not used in years as I know as soon as I leave them behind I will need them.
It is going to be a very slow going. I want to taste the road again, every square inch of it. As I taste "The Oasis". The path will be familiar in the beginning as Las Cruces to visit my Friends will be one of our first stop, and yet, I want to see what I have never seen before. There is always something new, something overlooked, a feel not felt before, a texture, a color, an old building, an abandoned vehicle, a local waiving for whom I will make a U Turn and chat and let the day escape as when darkness descend only to realize we have only gone a few miles.
The comfort of "The Oasis" will be left behind. A new comfort will take place, a different mental one, the thirst for the road ahead will be quenched. We know what to do, we know how to go about it even if so we will never graduate from the lessons received, but yet, none of the motions are unfamiliar to us. The subconscious will have Plan B and even Plan C always on alert, a space to rest our bodies for the night will be seeked early in the afternoon giving me time to cook a meal, sometimes only a resemblance of one, maybe a welcome shower as RV parks only for a couple dollars are always offering even if not spending the night on their premises. Stay out of sight from the mainstream for a good night sleep being able to in the morning have some good coffee and move on… or stay for days if a welcoming stage has been found.
There is nothing like it. How did I acquire such a taste I too often wonder. My Ancestors roamed the lands of Eastern Europe so many Centuries ago. Their fervor must have trickled into my own veins never questioning this Lifestyle embraced. Maybe sometimes I do question it. When the cold penetrates and moves in, when the rain for days does not stop downward, sideways, helped by the ferocious winds turning our gear into a wet blob. It was when the mosquitoes defiant to everything tried never gave up their attacks. Yet as soon as the vision of a comfortable condo appears in my mind, (I like the word "condo"!), it all sounds so sterile and bland and boring as the feeling of four walls making the space smaller and smaller appears not too far behind.
I feel as I am criticizing so many as such. Oh! I am not… There was a time when the shaggy rug felt good under my feet, when the showers, hot for that matter, where of many, when the kitchen, cooking space, all was larger than two square feet, when cold air blew in the summer and hot air kept me warm in the winter, when flushing was a reflex! Millions cannot be wrong, I know I am the odd one. For now. Clueless of what is ahead I can only adventure myself into what feels right even if harsh too often for my sometimes aging and aching bones.
One day at the time "things" are getting done. Yesterday "Old Faithful" received a new tire, a speedometer cable, spark plugs and something else I cannot remember. Still left is an oil change which is out of the question today. It was a nice short sleeve T Shirt day and overnight the temperatures dropped as now the cold wind is howling as still the night time darkness is present. Amazing it is while walking this land so bare and suddenly in contrast from it’s yesterday’s warm welcome this morning it is as trying to get me back from where I came from. We can endure it, it is only a matter of dressing up warm, taking the time we have to do so as each day becomes such a different chapter in our Life. We are going to the snow.
There is as a "block" of remembrance in my Heart these days. I am looking at a Calendar every day and reliving the days past of the last January Lance was here. I cannot help it. I instead embrace it with the the strong need of surmounting the emotions present. Everyone’s senses were so heightened. There was no loud noises or voices but only whispers. The air was thick, barely breathable as if the oxygen needed was slowly being taken away also from us. The eyes, the looks. That is what I remember the most. One could read the whole story through our eyes which looked at each other filled with a non belief toward what was happening as if not real, as if not wanting to be real. We looked at each other as wanting to speak but could not pronounce our thoughts ever. We looked at each other trying to find a better reality but yet we knew, knew so deeply these where the last days, the last moments.
It is a reel played in slow motion that I now continuously see, watch, feel. There were the times when finally "hope" was lost as we all turned to believing our Lance was finally going away into a better place as his suffering, his own emotional and physical pain had reached a stage which made us wonder why such moments where present in one’s Life. In my Son’s Life. There was no strength left, our eyes turned red from the tears which then never stopped as we stopped ourselves trying to hold back. Our chests weighed as never before, as an enclave was resting suddenly part of us. We stopped eating, we stopped it all. We waited and we Loved and Loved some more, and more. How helpless we felt!
I decided to giving a try with Children Photography, and Dogs also, maybe Dogs and their Buddies… I am finding it being therapeutic, this is what I got so far… No Dogs yet though!
You be well… Always. We will be also…
Ara and Spirit