“My Personal Daily Therapy, published Weekly or so…”
“I want to see your smile, when you look up the sky I want to watch your face, when you think you’re going to cry. I never thought you’d come, and I never thought you could stay. You’ve got me in your Heart and I never want to be away.”
~ Danny Gillan ~ [Will you Love me Tomorrow]
An e mail yesterday from a Reader. ”Nathan Lee”. Late at night, after an emotional day I am listening to his words and his Music. What would be the chances for such happening? What a beautiful song…
“A Singer, who Sings Songs about desperation for those in despair, who no longer wish to be desperate.
A Songwriter, who Writes Songs about brokenness for the brokenhearted, who no longer wish to be broken.” ~ Nathan Lee ~
“Silent Crosses” from his Album “Bar Room Hymns”
If I only knew what guides us throughout this Journey. Or should I say "who"? I keep asking myself that question on these days when all are moments after moments of discoveries which leave me so speechless. I know and have no doubt this is Lance’s doings, his vigilant and forever guardianship toward us. It does not take long to fall into a timeless space. Every instant of them all are amazing. Finding this campsite is. Remote and yet offering some comfort even if the night time cold is present and right now the winds are fierce. The White Sand Dunes National Monument where a present. The skies could have been only of her clear blue but instead filled with such an indescribable show of clouds and colors as if the Dunes themselves where not enough to entice me spending the day in a deep stupor.
Why do I then ask myself if I am so aware of the answer? Could all be a Dream of a Dream? Can this truly be a present reality as truly what is our reality? Endless questions. Endless spaces which have been awaiting to be discovered. This week is here not by choice. Nothing is quite clear. I wonder if I have been running away and Mother Nature is feeling as her own need to nurture me as so much as keeping my attention not letting me go as often as I should not toward a Day of Eight Years past.
It is today a cold and rainy day. The bigger tent has become very useful including a catalytic heater while harbored in throughout the evenings before moving on to Sherpa for a good night sleep. The drops are now heard in full strength. What a switch from yesterday when we rode all day in a loop that took us up to 8000 feet throughout some beautiful curvy roads. We stopped at Fort Stanton where we will go back Saturday when the Museum will be open. Much History present. Not the most uplifting as is never the case when wars are involved, yet a slice of past years is always interesting.
Blabbing away I feel, a heavy chest these days again. The little Church up the Hill a few miles away will be my refuge in a couple of days. I stumbled on it the first day here. What would be the chances? I like little Churches, specially on a special day as this January 26th. I will light many candles, many for all the Children that have left us too soon leaving us behind with too often too many questions. 8 Years. I have now many Friends which also wear my veil of times and this day will also be for them.
Heavy storms last night and today was as if the curtain suddenly was raised up. Calm it was and I appreciated the moments before these winds picked up and again we are in the tent. Just laying here, we are not going anywhere. Spirit is outside working on his tan while I gladly fetch his food and water. My constant companion. So much together we have seen, so many places we have discovered. An amazing feat I feel. I don’t think I would make it without him by my side. There is nothing I can ask of him he has not done and does. I was thinking this morning who else in their right mind would as such live with me. He is one that does not curtail my freedom and my constant indecisions of the path we are on. How strange Life has become when I cannot answer simple questions such as "when" and "where". Because truly I have no clue mostly dictated by the weather and beauty awaiting at such and such destinations.
Such an unbalanced Life I feel. And yet if unbalance was not present how would I know where these years have taken us. I still see Spirit from years ago locked up in that cage, ribs protruding, scared but resigned to his past Life which was only bringing him no Life within days of our meet. What a look his eyes had. Not a moment I will ever forget. And today he is Mr. Spirit! The one that has put on the miles throughout this country with a constant smile. I myself read again what my Journal contained 5 years ago, 4 years, 3 years. I never believed changes would take place. They are not changes of less pain, they are changes of the ability to handle the pain in a better fashion. To remember the good times with Lance, to understand so truthfully how this path has brought on so many Friends as we daily often carry each other. There would not be a balance without unbalance. So much has been learned. It is amazing.
No one has been here all day. I am discovering every square inch of this little Church perched at the bottom of these Mountains. I am still amazed being here. But maybe not. Stranger events have happened too often to really wonder more. Eight candles are lit. I sit here, full at times, empty other times, how many tears can one shed? This was his last afternoon. There is a clock on the wall and the big hand of the seconds is breaking the present silence. Click, click, click…. Time. It is only going forward. Never backwards. What a wish that would be. The now’s disappear so quickly, there is no more time to waste and yet that is all I have left ahead. I am the only one hearing it. What solitude this is. Another year ahead to confront, climb and try to not fall.
“Hey Ara! I’m working on building a website for my business….can I have my web developer "STEAL" some of your photos? Or we can pay you if you insist!!!”. It is almost a Daily affair I deal with. Photos are on Smugmug and if you do not see the one you are looking for, you can write to me and I will put it up. We survive from the sales of Photos and since the “One-Pan Recipe” Store has now free downloads also from contributions from that particular site.
Be well… Always.
Ara and Spirit