“My Personal Daily Therapy, published Weekly or so…”
“Man has taken a heavy load of this land…”
Our first day here. We both slept so deeply and did not wake up till the sun was up, yet cool enough to attend to some chores outside including a short hike with Spirit on my man made trail. I took "Old Faithful" off the trailer, parked both as also now "Sherpa" is resting. I am trying to calm myself down from all the projects running through my mind. Much was so overlooked last winter throughout my disastrous relationship with Robin. I now have to pay the price as I am calling this winter also "the winter of austerity".
We have lived a basic Life, able to afford it monthly, our sponsors have been our savior, please support them, most of you participated in keeping "Old Faithful " alive, yet today we are not meeting these basic needs as also for everyone else, Life’s cost has risen, specially here so far away when the transportation of the goods themselves add an extra toll. I never considered my Journal to be of any commercial value, yet, as long as it does not deviate from my own needs of what I consider it a "published therapy", well, maybe with my projects all will be fine.
Where to begin? What happened to the content of "green giant"? 40 feet long shipping container and filled with junk! More junk now as I started to take the tent apart. One pile of "stuff" I can use, which I never will… and one pile for the trailer to be thrown away. The mail has piled up. We need water, the little of it I left behind has too much Clorox and I cannot use it for a shower. We have enough drinking and cooking water. Little food, pasta or rice or again oatmeal tonight. I have to go and talk to the Deputy Sheriff, to find out if considering the ban on fires as last year, I can have one to cook on.
What is mostly on my mind is opening my e-store of "one-pan recipes". Almost there with Justin, the greatest webmaster there is. They will be PDF downloadable. 99 cents a recipe? Maybe it will help with our fuel, internet costs, food, always the unexpected. My "Book" is also on my mind. 100 pages are laying tranquil since almost a year now. I have given myself April 1st as a deadline. Maybe I should change it to March 1st? It will be an e-book and also in a printed format with a DVD of about 200 photos.
And now to go through the 100,000+ photos of these past 5 years. Redo my Smugmug Gallery once for all. Another a bit messy and loose item on the mind. This is what awaits me. This all mixed with exploring the winter cold spaces near by. North. I want to see snow, feel it, sleep on it, photograph it. All this has become a slight halt for us and that is if we want to continue roaming, steps must be as such taken. It will all be interesting to say the least. I wonder if I need a watch for these coming six months?!!! I found my old one, it still has a rhythm. I think I will wear it and stay off line while… working! (???). Too many incoming distractions.
The Sun is setting, once "there" it moves so fast, the temps drops and yet it is early. The long darkness nights of fall followed by winter are making their entrance these past days. I did not unpack today, did not go to the store, what did I do? I hope I do not ask myself that question every day! Tonight I am working on my photos. I can pick any of my three projects, I can mix them up, I can stay up all night and sleep all day, I am keeping tabs of my hours. I have to. Strange concept after all these years with no clock. A challenge it is, I am good at challenges. All will get done.
What a glorious night of sleep. I try to find another word but cannot. I feel suddenly more alone than ever. Here. Detached. I am painting my own walls. I can, they are mine. I am at Peace with the World, I am at Peace with Lance, my body and Soul can express with no hold it’s forward momentum toward him. There is a smell of wet dirt penetrating from the humidity of the night lingering. I look at my watch and it is already 9am. I have to deal with this, I have to. I stayed up late last night, it is not an easy task to pick only 200 photos from the 100,000 present, but a fun task, one that takes me down memory lane, one which makes me all over again feel the past feels.
It is Sunday. Will it be a day of rest? Phone calls this morning. My Mother mainly. 84. Why is she so far? Munich, Germany. Again, what happened? She was going to move to Austin. One cannot push another as much as I weekly tried and tried. I would like to go back and see her and yet, what will I do with Spirit for a couple weeks? Logistics, always logistics from situations quite too often we ourselves have created. And even when not created, they appear as a new stage rotating, no doors, only walls as I do look for the exit at times to no avail. The stages of the road themselves are in constant motion, the next curve appears and the pavement ends, the smooth gravel makes sight for the rocky surface slowing all us down with a caution flag. It is to be what is going to be. Thousands of miles apart, there is no more control of our togetherness as also Lance’s closeness only through our Souls fortunately still present within each other.
Sunday went by. I forgot how well I sleep here, how late I like to stay up. Again the Sun is this morning glaring around me as I sit in the shadows for my morning cup of coffee. Spirit not surprisingly has found the only piece of carpet and is laying in the warm rays. He is so happy here, I feel his freedom, his body soars while running and his tail, his wiry sometimes painful tail, does not stop like a constant pendulum. We finally took a ride to Terlingua yesterday. Food store. Expensive as it always is. It is the price to pay for being here. No alternative unless driving the 500 miles round trip to Odessa to stock up
I am thinking about a plan of action to clean up this mess here. To go through "Green Giant". It is only a 40′ shipping container! I found some garbage bags and I think this will be the first step. How did all that stuff get here? I have items I can sell. Take pictures of them, put them up, more time away from my projects. I know how quickly time can dissipate and how fast the months can go by. I feel so unsettled, overwhelmed for the first time, I don’t like this watch. I had this vision of millions of others lined up ahead for miles and in unison looking at their time, like robots they were, a global society that had forgotten who they are. Is this how Life is suppose to be?
10 feet away "Old Faithful" is herself in the Sun and she is suddenly crackling. I have to go check her out wondering if a creature is within her. Nothing. Her joints must be expanding from the heat. How strange. She is alive, her heart beat is well. She awaits her future rides.
And now more days have passed. I know of not many but calmness again has been regained. Projects? My project is first "living" and "feeling" and "healing". The rest will get done when it gets done. We now have water. A nice Sun Shower today, a whole two and a half gallons to clean up. My smoker is done! The skeleton of my tent still lays there. Priorities! Us… Spirit… Ara… Life… Friends… Is it selfish? How can one Love others if they don’t take care of themselves and Love themselves.
Till next time…
"I have had a great deal of interest in my photography over the years, for which I am grateful. Their sales are of much importance funding this Journal. Yes, please feel free to purchase one or two… or a few. I have been adding some photos lately, there will be more as I sift through about 100,000 of them.
Take a look. “Smugmug” stands for quality. Thank you”
Be well, always.
Ara & Spirit