“Is a ‘Hill’ uphill or downhill? I imagine it all depends where one is and which way one is going on that Mountain… “ ~ Ara ~
“Sometimes chosen Friends are the only true Family”. A sad and a happy all at the same time statement. There are many aspects of Life I do not understand, have almost given up trying, and yet at times as the scale tips over it does not cease to bring in a wonder as to the why’s or better, “wishes” it would not be as it is. Amongst my Friends I also include this Journal which without, in total honesty, would not allow me to be who I am today, not by far in a matter of importance or physical wealth, but within my health of well being. I often meet others with Life situations, maybe not similar to my predicaments as lets face it, I think everyone at one point in their Lifetime has been served that unwanted dark card, and as the conversation goes on, as the words burst out in long paragraphs soon to be chapters, my first inclination is to say “write a Journal… let it all out… your own words today or tomorrow will talk back to you. Write to yourself from the Heart. You do not have to make it public… it can be therapeutically effective”.
Personally, thinking over 4 years ago now that this Journal would be a mere physical ride report, as truly I did not know what it would end up being, I only knew I “needed” to write, I started it in the public eyes. It still is. It often as I know moves into the mental path, some ride reports are present, my relationship with Spirit and sometimes even some recipes. A mix-match of photos which quite often have nothing to do with the context, at least on that subject I have stopped getting complains. I had found them to be actually funny, the complains that is, sometimes my sense of humor is beyond the norm. I am careful as to not involve others when the experiences have been not so pleasant as I think rightly so. I believe that if someone has nothing nice to say about one another, well, why say it?
Why then say it this time? Is it something “not nice”?. I see it as an unpleasant reality, and not too often spoken about. Maybe also because it is of only a dilemma and a missing concept that some days weighs on me more than others specially when the only member of my Family left is my Mother such as mine and she is the subject of these words. There was my Son in years ago, he is now only here in Spirit even if so strongly I feel him in flesh and blood present more often than none, times were bright, there were happy, they were proud and even so if my own Mother was at times less than pleasant, all was overlooked as “as today” my Love for her has never diminished because for the simple fact that “she is my Mother”. As my naïve outlook onto the World today and on Society remains, an outlook and long time wishes of harmony amongst all of us I too well know is not quite present, has not been in centuries but will change as I always say “in about 10,000 years…”, my only member now remaining of my Family also disrupts a harmony that I thrived for years trying and trying achieving to not much avail.
When I was growing up, when uncles and aunts, when cousins, when gatherings took place, I felt such joy, the one I wish I would feel today while in her presence or while in conversations also with her. I felt some joy in my youth even if the conversations were, as they must be within certain communities such as ours being “Armenians”, a bit heated and loud whether on the subject of food or politics. But today there is no more such gatherings, only at times with good Friends when our path crosses, gathering when there is this “dance” quite often with Spirit, with my kindred and beautiful other Spirit “Robin”, and there is my Journal where I can pour in my words, my thoughts, feelings and expressions. Relieve myself. I of course know the details of my Mother’s upbringing, a rough one at times, I know of her relationship with my Father, another rough stage, and yet I keep only wanting for us to be respectful of each other as I am toward her, unfortunately without reciprocity, only a hurt so deep as today which makes me write these words. It is as bluntly thought “give me a break, the path has been rough enough…”.
There has been this concept I have heard too often from many, a notion that being Family did not mean getting along, it did not mean a thing, only “people ‘only’ related by blood”. It has always been a hard one to swallow as yet, sadly enough, with my own Mother I can only reach time after time an impasse which separates us deeper and deeper while the contrary should take place. It is a delicate subject I know, for most uncomfortable, maybe taboo, maybe too often locked into a closet, and yet again it is a harsh reality . The simplicity of it all that should take place has escaped. I don’t want to believe that such concept can exist even if myself have witnessed it amongst others. Witnessed children not being on speaking terms with their parents and vice versa, sisters, brothers, and that is for a Lifetime. What a waste I always felt. A Family should always remain true to it’s definition. I can only go on while trying while also this Life of ours is passing by just a bit too fast I now feel. How are we going to get caught up? Yes, sometimes Friends are one’s chosen Family. I am not giving up, it is not of my nature to do so, I just do not have the answers I need. Not yet.
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Ara & Spirit
Be Safe and well
Peace, Love, Courage