“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~ Kahlil Gibran ~
It hit me this morning, “the day before the day” of seven years ago. The hospital, the indescribable somber faces of the family, the puffed up red eyes, throats so tight everyone’s voice had changed, mumblings, the nurses trying a smile to no avail, the smell of it all, the smell of Death knocking on the door. For weeks already we could only think when was this going to be over, let my Child rest, take him away to a better place where maybe no pain is ever present, where maybe our form and shape is of no value as perhaps, who knows, the Spirit will go on soaring as his did for those 26 years allowed present with us. As time came close we could not however let go as the unknown reality of the other side only send out a chill within this so unknown lack of this after Life experience. I am cold this morning, my body is shaking of the remembrances, the weight of it all has suddenly broken through my fragile balance tilting the scales I have tried so hard to level off these past years. The values, the priorities of this path taken again have surfaced, my stage has been again swept away, left clean as I find myself standing in the middle of it all grieving this Child of mine no longer holding on to my Soul.
Not a day goes by when his presence enters my mind, there is not a day I do not see his smile or his serious composure as he also liked to project it, not a day goes by I do not lock my eyes into his green ones that once sparkled of his youth so filled with his kindness presence. I hear his laughter throughout my awaken hours, his conversations trying to make understand his Father how much rightness he had. Don’t we all knew “everything” at that age? as I would only smile waiting for a proper time to maybe dissuade him and fill him up slowly about the true realities of Life we had ahead. And what “ahead” did it turn out to be? “If’s” always filling up my thoughts wrongly so and yet, I am only Human and the questions still fill me in never abandoning what could have been. It has never been about myself and I so often wonder what it is all about within these moments of weakness, moments present questioning it all, questioning if this is all really worth the going, the daily struggle to overcome these times when so much easier it would be to stay all curled up into that corner I have so often visited.
The ultimate loss, clean slate I was given, the box of Life suddenly came in empty with not even a spec of dust lining it’s dark walls which remained as such for so long. I cannot say I know it all, I never will, even if seven years has now past, yet I myself learned so much. I would not be here today without him, I would have not acquired yet I think this wealth and courage that keeps me going, I would have never gained the knowledge of my Dear Friends, I would have never been in the company of Spirit and known my sweet companion Robin. None of this would have happened as I would have never left behind what had taken me a Lifetime to build up and so suddenly to all give it away. All has come back though, I know it has, it has come back in such a different form so unexpected. It has come back all within, an indescribable wealth. I can only thank Lance for all of this and as maybe if others have beneficiated from him, they can themselves also “thank him”.
“The morning” has come now, it is going to be a long day and yet as I read my thoughts of yesterday I realize this is not what Lance would have wanted me to feel. Him and I as throughout the days past need to hang onto the good memories, the laughter we have had, the good meals we have shared, the conversations ensuing, the hugs, the softness of it all. What would be the sense not to and only sink in deeper into despair. Not allowed, the positive path needs to be continually carved, it is one that has surfaced and has been slowly paved unlike the one we had been on in years past. I had to finally pay attention toward the present moments as I do now, it is the only time I have in which I myself can live, grow, feel and change and carry his torch. I do not want anymore to pay the high price for assumptions dictating a present which can overcome me and ignore it’s richness as I have also slowly discovered.
I am pausing today, I am allowing myself coming in touch more than ever where I already am, it is the only way I find out I am going to understand it all better even if there are no answers, no magic wand, no explanation. These past years have been a Gift, a Gift Lance has served unselfishly. It is a day spending alone and yet, I am not. In this center of my Universe I call “The Oasis” he is here today, in daylight, in night time, as the fire roars, as the candles have been lit, he has seen it and has come over from his distance, he is as I am “present”.
“The Day after” has now arrived. A bad night of sleep. Waking up finally this morning exhausted. My first thought was of this first day of these seven years, seven years ago. My first thought was of the panic and the emptiness and the void I felt that day not knowing what else to feel, what to do. And yet I decided I was not going to go there again as it has been a long path more paved today than ever and the memories of this first day will only lead to more memories of the second day, the first week and on and on. One should not restart all over when so far ahead, negative thoughts need to be emptied replaced with the positive of the present, the positive aspect of this Gift I have been given and rise above it all. It is sunshine outside and the rays have penetrated my own Soul now. I have much to “Thank” my kindred Spirit Robin for pulling me through these past days with more ease and kind words as never before. 600 miles away, in Tucson, a Candle was also lit for Lance with kind words send to him. I know he heard them all as I also know he is the one behind it all, behind the making of this path where Spirit and I stood alone for so long, today not anymore.
Ara & Spirit
Be Safe and well
Peace, Love, Courage
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