“Our Every act has a Universal dimension” ~ Dalai Lama
This must be the hub of Life for Life, ongoing and on moving fast paced, faster than anything I have ever experienced lately. For sure. I use to enjoy watching people in Airports at some younger age, the incessant parade nowadays has not lost it’s pupil’s dilation effect, not a bit, if nothing else feeling as I must have truly missed a few years of evolution, the one so many have been talking about. I can only wish my thoughts would drop in their neutral gear instead of trying to constantly see beyond what just “is”. So if I have never seen such shoes, or pants or coiffe, so what? They probably would say the same if they saw me in Terlingua. Happy is the dress code, seemingly in jovial colors unless adorned with the black dark tones held up all together by pins and needles all distracted by odd fuchsia or blue color hair which seem to have been caught in this giant vacuum ruled by sharp blades. I feel though the tones are somber. There is no eye contact, only looks and stares, no smiles, no waives, the rush is on from one gate to another as most daily endure. Security checks are intense. How sad we have to live in a World in which we have to take such measures to so desperately protect ourselves from each other.
I was on top of it all literally for hours. My vision, my feels, all was from above, thousands of feet on a stage I could at times only barely discern. I felt as I was intruding into Mother Nature’s own dressing room, how incredible all the changes of costumes taking place as moving on seemingly at warp speeds. Cotton balls, streamers, plain old fog, there was no end to the too many characters present, humbled by their plays were how insignificant I felt suddenly being moved thousands of miles away.
And yet this Journey is not about myself, not totally anyhow. Only a minute part of it. It’s main title, it’s principal entity is the togetherness throughout a couple weeks spend in the company of my Mother which I have not seen in about a year and a half. It is also about dealing with the void left within the absence of my buddy Spirit, that incredible punch to the stomach realizing at times stronger than others that again his stare, his rubbing of his back against me, his ears propping, all, more, everything that makes us one, well, it will not be present for the coming days. It is at the same time as being Home, and yet a Home that is not fully truly mine as my Mother herself by herself for the past now half a century has built her own wall defying the foreign World surrounding her.
The emotions are not lacking. An overload of them actually throughout these moments of reality where and when I have to pinch myself facing them as yes, they are not thoughts any more, but so present as I sit here trying to digest it all. I like the closeness of a Mother, how can one does not? There is no one else left today. The closeness and yet I often have already felt the distance. The avoidance of certain subjects, the too logical approach of past and present “subjects”, the generation gap which exists and will always be as such as maybe, as probably was also at times between my own Son and myself.
I was not in the past as patient as I am today I realize. So glad I am. So much Love emanating and yet, years of a sabbatical Life and time spend such as here in this big City of Munich has made my Mother a fortress of at time impenetrable steel where and when feelings have only blossomed into a spring, into a stream now only absent from it’s running waters with the feel and touch of it’s bed bottom of rocks not even yet polished from years past. This is when I have to erase myself and step aside from any of my own needs if any, mainly the ones left with the wants of communicating my sorrows and few pleasures of Life left, as all seems to be misunderstood, I can already feel. I can already tell.
Not able to communicate makes me feel even more alone at times of words and yet at other times I feel the care as I have never felt it before as vice versa I want to, maybe even need to, as absent for so many years, myself throw my hugs with extended arms as before when Life had only defined me as a child of younger years. A Mother and a Son, two Souls that have been separated by thousands of miles seemingly throughout thousands of Lives and yet I bow to it all as it is my turn to accept her stage as I have left behind mine vacant, only for now. Do I really need to try to understand it all? Is there a must to make sense of this carnival that has no beginning and no end? Not really. Erase myself, accept the moments, always, as truly there is no one so caring as a Mother even if the complexity of the relationship is a reality of the present, not because of “wants” and “needs”, only “just because”…
All is well, moving right along. Savoring the moments, that is why I am here, the daily lessons are easy and hard, all at the same time but graduation day will come soon. Give a lot, take a little bit, it is after all the only one that has nurtured me throughout the so many years now past, quite a few I must day.
You be well… always.
Ara & Spirit