“When your Dreams are of some World that never was or of some World that never will be and you are happy again, then you will have given up. Do you understand? And you can’t give up. I won’t let you” ~ Cormac McCarthy ~ [The Road]
The following photos are in no particular order, mainly our outgoings almost daily to Marienplatz for errands, lunches, only a couple subway stations away, scenes that jumped at me. “Urban” photography is a bit of a different medium for me. I am sure with time and weather permitting we will get on also with some sightseeing which in Bavaria could in itself take a few Lifetimes!
There is always a crescendo within our visits. It generally happens the 3rd or 4th day. I know there is an unwritten rule enveloping the definition of a relationship between Children and their Mothers. I do not coat my words with sugar candy, these words, they are my reality as much as sometimes up or down. They are what they are. I know it and I am being quiet about it, vocally that is, very quiet. Mother is in a bad mood this morning. Maybe I am in her way, I don’t know, we cannot talk about it, it is not fiction either, it is a very pure and present reality. I am however stronger than I have ever been and it is alright, it is only a few days. I stand tall and observe from outside the window. We do not have this “normal” relationship maybe most have. It has been over 50 years we only have seen each other once in a while and even Lance often, sadly enough, is not a common denominator in our conversations. That fact itself has become the biggest mystery of it all. Yes.
It is a bit of a shrine for Lance here. That part feels good, his photos are everywhere and yet, we cannot talk about him. I do, she does not. There is no reply, at least I can express myself, my words I know do not fall into empty ears and yet there is no answer. Again. That is alright also. It has to be. I know it is such as to not hurt myself, but I try to explain that any feeling is better than no feeling. We were suppose to go to a Lake today but now she does not feel like it. 83. It has to be rough. She can only be out for 2 to 5 hours. Luckily public transportation is good. I go out a bit myself for fresh air around the block, I have not come here to be on my own and playing tourist, it is a balancing act. The balancing takes us as far as also Lance’s memory. She wants me to forget, or is it, she does not want to remind me. This too will change. More talk will.
I see a lot of dogs here. Subways, buses, in stores. I talked to a few but they are Germans and I don’t think they understood a word I said. There is such a charm of the City but I have lost the feel of the big town. Everyone is to themselves, it has to be not just Munich but probably every big number of inhabitants put together. I don’t know. I asked my Mother about it, it is normal, she said we “don’t smile here”. How sad. So I told her about Texas! Other States where we all wave at each other. She said she would never wave at anyone she does not know. I think I just need to drop that complete chapter of how different we are. Lets face it, she is not going to change and I will not either as my belief of loving your neighbor, your fellow Human, well, it is inbreed in me. I will concentrate on listening to her stories, the long ones, the proud ones, the ones that also make me proud of having her as a Mother regardless if we do not see the same slice of Humanity with the same values and complaisance.
Yesterday was Sunday. The town shuts down specially in the afternoon. Some Bakeries are still open in the morning, their “open” do not last too long in their welcoming position. It is a rest day for everyone. We did not go anywhere, I did. It is a bus away to near by the main train station where I use an Internet Cafe. Expensive. 5 Euros the first hour, about 2.5 for every hour afterwards. It however feels good reading Friends e mails! Receive news about how Spirit is doing. The words “missing him” do not even express my feelings. Reading Facebook takes me a bit closer to where I was, who would have known! How strange that I feel lonelier here than the furthest Desert we have been through. When I came back I cooked dinner. Nothing fancy, some pasta and vegetables as my Mother is a Vegetarian, not only Vegetarian but allergic maybe mentally more than physically to just about anything that is good, such as onions, garlic, parsley, who knows what else. Any spices… not sugar!
Last night was interesting. I sat and listened. I learned much about her. It must be a lonely Life, must have been for the past 50 years. The more I listened the happier she was about her stories, her climb to her own stardom, even how much more important she was to Lance than I was. She said. She felt. How could that be? That’s OK. I feel good making her feel even better. Why shake such beliefs when one is 83, what is the sense of it all but to only let one believe of their belief. It is another generation spanning the words. Mine do not matter, my pain is of no reality to her. “We live, we die, such is Life…”, such is the ancient concept, her concept, real of course but sending a chill through my spine as of it’s too logical approach of a Life that can be so fulfilling. I don’t know, there is not much I know anymore lately and yet I remain planted as I am just too aware of my own reality. The present one, the one of these past over 6 years. Us Humans! So complex, aren’t we?
You be well… always.
Ara & Spirit