Archive for January, 2010

Six Years ago, Today.

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010


“Dust rose to the Stars together with every sad Music on Earth” ~ Jack Kerouac~


This ride has been ours. Lance and I did not share today’s Mother Nature’s offerings. There are no photos, the images have been all ours. Peaceful and serene on this land, it has been undisturbed. 10:30pm… 10:30pm… Every year has the same date, the same confusing time, no winners, no losers, the big hand is up, the small hand is down, or is it the other way around, it is all the same, stamped is the day, no refund, no ifs and buts, nothing has ever been more predictable. It is the longest ride of the year. I bounce back endlessly between then and now. The moment “now” slips away, and when “here”, I hear myself… “Lance, where are you?” I hear no reply but I know you are here. I know the finish line is close by. I do not sleep, my time machine takes me back with it’s full ability to recreate the darkness of a past day with a depth so uncalled for, not only for me, but as I think now for everyone else that has lost a Loved one departed always too early.

Six Years ago today. All has gone by. Quickly, slowly, time has vanished. This day is a brighter one than back in January 26th 2004, the sun is shining as it was then a foggy and drizzly evening I remember as the skies, as myself and as so many teared your departure Lance. Nothing is left I have not said, no words have been spared and not written. My eyes should be dry by now with no tears humanly possible left for, but I have not yet run out of those of either. So much confusion sets in, I want to be strong as I feel weak, it is all so often just a ball of fire burning it all on it’s passage through this Life of ours.

I thought it was going to be easier today, not that I mind the turmoil and difficulty I constantly face, and I am used to it, and yet, nothing compared to what you have gone through as we both the last hours passed together already missed each other’s embrace, foreseeing this lack of future together, mind and soul and body. The certitude of the incertitude as to when I will see you again has so much deepened this pounding and lack of breath I myself experience when my hugs returns empty.

It is quiet today Lance, tears running don’t make a sound but the reel on it’s eternal loop of past images has it’s gears not well oiled at this moment. I just wait as I have been, I wait reliving the past precious minutes we had together on this day, six long years ago. I often feel as the ostrich burying it’s head in the sand while I continuously move on, only now resting a bit, catching up on I don’t know truly what, maybe to keep it together so again soon we move on to more distant spaces showing you the way through my eyes to this beautiful land of ours

I have kept my promise to go on Lance. So close to breaking it sometimes, but I fight hard to always keep the upper hand on this chosen path, my Journey within the Big Journey. You have many Friends today and always you know. They write to me but they are really writing to you as if today I am indeed a slightly better man than I was, you are  responsible for it. Such words show up, uplifting me as I they do, as I can also see that slightly perceptible smile of yours… They are for you Lance, I can only “live” through you…

“heard about you and Spirit and at a low (lowest) point in my life your story has given me hope… thank you so much… you will never know how much.” [quote]

“Just a few words to say I’ve been thinking of you on this reflective day.
It’s strange to think we would not have known each other if it were not for Lance. In many ways, we owe our friendship and this story to him and his courage.
I am sure if he could see what you’ve achieved with your journey and the Oasis, he would be a very proud son. You’ve touched the lives of others and given hope to many, and that is the rarest of things.
Sending you my warmest wishes and prayers, stay well and healthy.”

The years have also been creeping up on this body of mine. Sometimes, well often, I don’t reach 100mph, I am satisfied when reaching 50. What I did in a day often now takes place over two days. This gives me much more time to think about you, to maybe know that you are keeping good Company with Friends that have also left me behind.

It is still so hard to accept your favorite quote, saying, which I still constantly hear with your so distinct voice "it’s all good".  I know it is, I know. The other path is never to be considered. I feel as I still hide often within my safe heaven amongst the thorns of the Deserts and the tall silver trees of the Mountains and within all in between. I try step by step to emerge into a society I knew, I thought I knew so well just not so long ago. I feel as your presence however is always required, you had an easier eye than me. I so often do not like what I see and feel. Spirit and I take one good look at each other and instead run back amidst this silence and space undisturbed to have you all to myself.

You never met Spirit here. But I know you have, as he also knows you. I so often see you both together playing and giving your Hearts to each other as you and and I have, still do. What fine time I would have witnessed, seeing the two of you together. It makes me smile, standing on the sidelines watching you both and being filled with the such incredible joy of my two loved ones. Both in one.

So we cannot have it all, can we? We tried, didn’t we? We did not fail at the end, did we?

Ara, your very proud Father.