“One always washes their dirty laundry at Home” [An old saying…] This here “is” my Home… yet, not an easy entry to write.
The photo~video is from our hike through “Indian Trail”, Terlingua.Texas
This Journal of mine today, often at times other, puts me in a peculiar position. This “Journal” is my Home. It is my outlet and words of thoughts, of this mind that mostly spends most of it’s time alone with Spirit. He is indeed held, he is talked to, hugged, but the words still need to be inscribed here. It has been the only path that has allowed me to survive these past years. I use the expression “peculiar” for lack of others, as I am aware of the present readership volume. Sometimes, often, I have to omit a name or two in certain situations as not all days move on as smoothly as one can think, and regardless, I do respect others even if their thoughts at times are not the same, unfortunately. I stay off other’s Lives as who am I to judge even if I am in return judged as I have at times been. There is an exit path a Friend not too long ago proclaimed it works, regardless of what one has said, look at them in the eyes and say “Bless You”, and move on. It works often as the flavors of Life are of many and at times one disagree just from that simple fact of lacking awareness as someone can like chocolate when the other likes vanilla.
The photos are from our hike through “Close Canyon” on River Rd passed Lajitas.
Sometimes certain individuals like to brew with a slow fire a connection that was made months ago as is this case, and as I know if myself do not write I will slowly despair as the questions “why” and “how…” have again resurfaced and my own Heart has been as pierced with violent words I wish I had not read. I know too well there are no answers. My Friend Louise commented the other day in regard to the horrific act that took place in Terlingua last Sunday night… “Here in this post, the balance of life shines through. A young man, “a kid,” as you say, shows you the depth of hope and wisdom. Others display the shallowness of evil. Both will always be with us, in the cities, and in the small towns. Wherever there are people, there will be love and hate, good and bad. Up and down, the rollercoaster goes. Left and right, the best roads always twist and turn!” This seemingly is going to also apply today and maybe tomorrow and for everyone’s Life of more days to come.
I wrote a lot about Friendship this past summer as myself making new Friends. I found it being the foundation of Life, the Heart and Soul of our avenues taken. Someone in a troubled relationship took it all on herself to think she was being targeted, that my message was named even if unnamed after her. Thousands of miles away I replied, dumfounded, not that I had forgotten about them, her and significant other, but the fact that she was not the only Friend I had, not the only Friend neither in a troubled relationship, and speaking of Friendships, writing with it’s new found facet of Life had in itself brought me a joy unparalleled from years past. For curious minds, this person has never been mentioned in this Journal before.
In the meantime, which I think made the matters worse, her significant other, also my Friend, had started writing to me about their daily troubles. She was aware of it. I call it a “dirty situation”, for all of us. I came to a conclusion that I did not want to read anymore about such personal aspects of both of their Lives. Time went on, the miles passed on as we came back here to my sanctuary I call “The Oasis”. But my words were not forgotten by my Friends, and a closer distance only made the pot boiled over. I remembered “Bless You”, I did not use those exact words but tried hard to persuade one’s mind about again the fact that my writing was not of “her” as a target. I invited them over, to speak and feel each other’s souls around a fire as it should be. As in old times sit by those warming flames and speak freely to re-establish the harmony lost. These are the words I finally received a couple days ago, their presence have been felt as no other words had before, I can only hope that my writing this will expel them from being encaged within my present sadness and hurt.
“Of course you have the right to speak your mind but when you are reaching out to insult people, it has repercussion. The repercussions here are that I prefer to spend my time with people who are not tearing other people down to make themselves feel better.” And when I had written how happy I was that her significant other was finally going to meet his Children he had not seen in years, as I felt being a part of it all since day one, since pushing him into “just doing it” for the past over a year, the reply was “you are an example of what NOT to do with his sons”.
Oh! Troubled mind. How well do I see the tumultuous traffic of self persecution. There is no future left. I forgive, but the “crystal glass” is now broken and there are no craftsman left with the ability to undo those words. The pain was strong, incessantly it has followed me these past days, riding, hiking, none took away the pain felt that someone could actually imagine that my past words on these past pages where at one time designed to tear up people. It was hard to be accused not being a good Father throughout this month missing Lance as never before. Yes, these words here do make me feel better, time has passed, more riding, hiking, love of Spirit. They are laid out naturally through the works of my Heart never hurting others and not even selfishly feel better, “just feel better”, this is my Journal, this is my Home. I breathe and live here. I am finally seeing the rainbow within this past days storms.
It is as purging my own Soul now as suddenly I cannot help feeling mournful for this person that was once my Friend. Her own past as she has recently found out after the death of her husband who had led a separate Life with others away from Home under the excuse of his work, I know has taken away any trust she might have in her own present relationship, most likely making her a non believer of Friendships with men, only as most of us knowing her seeing her abuse to only use them for her own chores and profit. So we turn the page, we tear them up and thrown them away to burn in this Fire of Life where the ambers are always ready to absorb the waste some create.
This drop stopped us. We could have gone down but not sure about coming back up!
As a Friend said “There is no need for ‘toxic’ in Life…”. I have had my own share… I am only trying to make it through these Holidays, some do not think timing is everything…
And a “Heart” was awaiting for us on our return…Twists and turns, yes, the best roads of Life.
Till next time, you all be well, always, it is our best choice.
Ara & Spirit