Why, then have to be human?
Oh, not because happiness exists,
Nor out of curiosity…
But because being here means so much;
Because everything here,
Vanishing so quickly, seems to need us,
And strangely keeps calling to us…
To have been
Here once, completely, even if only once,
To have been at one with the earth –
This is beyond undoing.
[Rainer Maria Rilke]
“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye” [H. Jackson Brown Jr.]
And can the eye meet the heart? I remember a while ago a reader approached me and I was a bit stunned as he expressed himself, hearing “Great Blog today Ara, it was not about you….”. I now smile at that memory, I see irony, as I know his eyes never met his own heart or mine for sure. I smile and at the same time it saddens me that his path leading to each other was closed. Life is a reality, I like to confront it’s front page the best I can even if sometimes it means… being honest, as more and more I find out so few and rare can handle that notion within this space they navigate on trying to customize their own terrain.
It is as simple as this “It is what it is”. I write these words, I know why I write these words, because it gives me the ability to “unload” my thoughts. They are as loudly spoken ones, they are printed on a page along with a passion of mine called “Photography”, and sometimes, someone out there realizes that maybe some of the written ones are what I do not want to be and feels subjected to a personal affront as they are themselves those. My only confrontation are as these days when as today is Lance’s Birthday. My encounters are with no one, my time spend with others only want to be with true Friends without turmoil and havoc. I have my own. As they say “Thank you very much, but no Thank You”. I judge no one but only myself, only expressing where I do not want to go, even if moments at times unwillingly takes me there.
I use to celebrate Birthdays, did I ever, did we ever! It is after all the Miracle of Life to so suddenly see and feel and hear this new Being that arrives through our doing, a conception unlike any other, with a Soul and a Mind and everything so perfect. The screams are so tender when this little ball of flesh has yet to even know what is ahead for the years to come. I remember those days as I also remember the different screams that shut down his own path of Life, Lance’s Life. I try to keep the flames going, they dance with the winds, they extinct with the rains, they are bright, they are dim and sometimes as only I can see, the flames are black and their dance is of no more as a veil so heavily dropping.
It is my own reality, it is my own heartfelt as my eyes do meet my heart, as they can see the memories lingering which will never go away. The images are mine, the reel from within as a well oiled array of gears keeps on unraveling them. It is my own private viewing and I am happy that I have at least if nothing else that ability to feel and see again what is not today. I cannot keep it all within myself, I need to empty this filled heart of mine, these days, yes, a bit more somber. This too shall pass but never forgotten, no day is ever forgotten. There will be smiles again, even laughter, I have come a long way these past years, the bottom often still drops and yet I find a way to ascent and open the lid again.
These are the days so hard to live in the moment. I play with Spirit, it seems as we have crossed yet into another dimension of even more closeness, his tail is wagging, he is “now” happy. I use to wish so much I could live as he does only within these instances, but bitter sweet, I would have to then let go of my past images and the warmth that emanates from them, even if it means the tears to be present so often related. I stare at the horizons, the clouds today are reflecting my most inner vision, they are gray, they are hanging low to the grounds we are on, there is no winds to precipitate a quick exit from this depth, the skies are weighing as expressing for me to remain as I do wish to prevail to feel it all.
I cannot think of tomorrow today, that will come soon as well as the skies will again turn blue, it is all part of this cycle going through, this gentleness I so much find surrounding me as Mother Nature’s unspoken words repeat day after day. Night has now fallen surrounding this space with the darkest time of it all, and yet it is calm and Peaceful because in glimpses I feel Lance’s presence right here, right now as my spoken words out loud can be heard. I hear the replies, that voice I so much long for, the inquisitive eyes resting gently on mine as trying to penetrate through their vision my most inner thoughts to not let any doubts to the meaning of our conversations. Ascending and descending a tempo that was always felt between us, a Father and a Son filled with Love, Respect, and yet the awareness of my years versus the impetuous ardent fervor of Youth rooted and uprooted through constantly exchanges of thoughts we now seek for.
My presents are wrapped, the multicolor bows are standing undeterred of it all, they are dusted often, the ribbons are rearranged as I like them to look good when the day comes for their unraveling. I wait every day, I hope every day, what else can I do? After all, isn’t His Birthday every day?
Happy Birthday Lance… My True Love…