Wednesday, July First, mid day. Sometimes the words do not surface, they refuse, held back by this invisible wall of new thoughts that overcome, or try to, the present ones. I feel tired lately, these past few days. I feel as I only want to sleep and hide within. It is always mind over matter with me. I throw myself into new adventures but as much as Mother Nature tries, I slip away as almost my comfort zone becomes one of despair. It is of a constant scenario, the players have not changed, the light is always dim, only the set changes trying to brightened it up. I want a new screenplay, I need a new script, I need to loose myself within this set, yet so fortunate of me having the ability to discover it’s every corners. No one said it was going to be easy as I talk myself into some logic non existent so often. But no one said it was going to be so hard.
I write and write, seemingly my words neither at times are helping. There are times I am so strong. I surprise myself having even the ability with only inner emotions to talk about my not so distant past. I think back of those moments and it becomes all mixed up as how could you? I want to mourn and mourn some more as maybe Lance will come back. Time is not healing. I want to be alone in the midst of nowhere and allow my tears to flow freely as maybe only then I will see him again. I think of others. How do they do it? So many in our World wearing my same emotions, how do they do it?
A good Friend told me the other day that my Life seems to have it’s own highs and lows as now I realize it’s truth. Am I hitting a low? We are in and within some beautiful spaces and yet I have to be moved by it. I have not found the comfort zone here and it surprises me as large and desolate this area is. But no dirt roads to nowhere as previously seen, no trails to pitch a tent behind some unknown hill or around the bend where no one could find us and feel one’s self blending in with the space. I just don’t know sometimes as I like our loneliness, savor the present moment only for it to slip away and find myself wondering what am I doing here.
Thursday, July 2nd, morning. Of course I read what I write but I do not edit it. They are the chapters filled with it’s truth as I let it be and learn from it to maybe change the present moment. It is just another Life story, no better, no worse, but with a true meaning as I keep searching in it’s bowels the constant path of some well balanced manner of living. It is a facet here I don’t talk about much in person, I find others and hear others commenting about my bluntness maybe a bit too forward, too public. It is my way, there are no nicely painted smilies present 24/7 on these pages, they are only the fonts of my Soul one character at the time laying low and sometimes high. The Stars line up sometimes and sometimes not. Who am I to ever disturb the flow of Nature as we are all part of this big scheme in and out surrounding us. It’s okay.
The best thing I could have done yesterday was to take a ride late in the day. The skies constantly changing from one mile to another, the heat of the sun mixed with the drops of some uncertain rain which finally made it’s presence made me feel as the skies were a reflection of my lately own spirits. We aimed for the Yellowstone Lake again as I am mesmerized by it’s road so perfect for Old Faithful.
Friday, July 3rd, morning. Ah! a new day as I slept late today. It has been on my mind these past few weeks about the future of our Journey longing so much for the new “script” and this morning the veil has lifted and there is some clarity in my thoughts concerning. Strange enough, as I read a couple other Blogs, mainly ones where the writer opens up his/her own Soul bluntly never holding their words, I come to the conclusion that the Stars were just not properly aligned. I read the same forecast as it was surrounding one’s mind with a shadow inexplicable as yet we can only endure it till it passes away, aware as one should be that it will.
I use to smile last year, more actually shake my head in total disagreement, when camping with my Friend Michael seeing how light he packed on mainly our little trip to Toroweap. It is amazing how one can change in it’s ways as today I have. My “stuff” has become a burden. “Too much” I started telling myself, “Old Faithful” has been complaining on the uphills through the many passes present. The tent is too big, too heavy, taking too much time to set up specially for one night. A small 2 men tent with a single wall and two poles, great solution I tell myself. Weight… incredible weight. My chair weights about close to ten pounds, so is the cot and a multitude of other “things”. Cooking gear… no more! Only the stove to make my coffee in the morning. I could not understand why Michael did not cook. Now I do. Dry goods, MRE’s is what I am looking into. I have been more occupied with my “stuff” than my surrounding. Books? as I read a lot… they are all on my I Phone, free books and no need to carry my laptop anymore for those few nights out there. Those few night at the end of a trail when I know we can witness the sunset and the sunrise without having to come back to base camp.
We took another ride last evening, more it was late afternoon toward Chief Joseph Highway through Cody. Cody… a little very busy town specially at this time of the year. I wondered how Buffalo Bill would feel today? Probably as well as Elvis feels toward Graceland! But it is there, a different crowd. Everyone was dressed up, must be the Cody dress code, they probably looked at me and also thought the same as dressed up for riding. We must all love “costumes” throughout our Life, maybe “dressing up” a remain of our childhood when some of us played “Cowboy and Indians”, sadly looking back now, we did not know better. “David Crocket” by the way was my Hero.
It was the year 2000 when I last rode Chief Joseph Highway and Bear’s Tooth Pass. I had totally forgotten how beautiful the road is with it’s curves a bit tighter than the one going to Yellowstone Lake. Luscious greens, the views as far as the eyes can see, a bit of red, truly a wonder of a road. We did not make it too far as some real dark clouds were ahead of us but I think tomorrow we will get an early start and make it to Red Lodge through Bear’s Tooth Pass. We are then moving on to somewhere north of Columbus, Montana, where a Friend has offered us to stay a while on his Ranch. I have seen the photos and it looks and feels as our kind of space, yet not too far to come back and try again to camp maybe in the Park or it’s outskirts. I have not forgotten about Grassy Lake Road in Grand Teton, missing even taking one photo.
We stopped by some water the other day and sprayed with the “non deet” mosquito repellent the moments were tolerable. It was actually a strange feeling seeing hundreds of the creatures swarming around but not touching us. Construction zones? Will just have to keep the full face helmet on and be patient. On with the day… a lazy one maybe!
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