My Life, as within Mother Nature, is filled with daily reflections. Inexplicable how the mind works, its flow constant with no rest takes away the words and places them on blank pages so often. What I see, feel, sense, is always in parallel with this river of thoughts that runs through, incessant, sometimes overflowing more than other moments. Symbols such as these, seen on this old battered and weathered Movie set we stopped has awakened so much of past memories 5 years ago. Life was not a Movie then, it is not today, and yet, it was a “set”, it is a “set” of its memories still so vivid as I wrote the other day…
It was a gray day in San Francisco 5 years ago. The door to his room was closed but I had spend enough time within to know its image as if I was still in it. The beige shade barely glowing from its 15 watt bulb was not bringing out any colors off the walls or for that matter only shading the few pictures resting on the dark wood desk within their now dull frames aging as rapidly as he was. The clouds were barely moving in their dense and dark forms through the window glass themselves framed in condensation from the warmth of the room in deep contrast with the outside now cold and its winds blowing with their faint howling, as calling in the shots of his path. The bright screen of a laptop always on was the only glow brightening the room, throwing its glare on the multitude of pills filled containers in their orange colors and shiny labels I cannot to this day stand seeing anymore. Some laying on their sides as his strength diminishing by the day not even capable of opening them if closed. Life’s end has its own smell, an odor so unlike any other and yet I never had to double guess its meaning as it lingered throughout his last days. How can the growth of such a beautiful body suddenly come to the peak of its moment, turn around and quit it’s forward path? How can silence suddenly makes up the fun filled and joyful days we had? How can simply today have nothing left from yesterday? Not even a glance, not even a touch or a look from those beautiful green eyes.
Unspoken words… what do you say? how do you say? Truly… Who has the courage to even speak when knowing the days are counted? When we can’t even lock our eyes together by fear of a torrent of tears not able to hold back. Awkward when we only want to hug and hold on and hold on some more as maybe we could stop father time from moving on his path of destiny. We don’t wait, but we do because we don’t know what else to do. We want to see the suffering stop, one more pill maybe will help, maybe one more shot, but the door is closed and all I can think is what is he thinking? What does a 26 year old man thinking when he knows his time has unfairly come so sudden and so much on a rampage destroying everything so dear to him including himself. But it was silence, only the sound of silence, as we could not ask or speak for that matter. The mystery of his thoughts, the unsaid true meaning of his last looks lasting only for a glance as if in the wrong direction, what truly where they? I did not see fear, I only felt my own. Expressionless as nothing never felt before so much I could not understand what I still today do not understand as if I did I would have explained him. I cannot see that body taken back by time anymore, I only want to remember the strength of my own genes passed on within this miracle of Life which did not last long enough. Reflections in his mirror only brought him his daily consternation, how else can a young man proud of his looks feels otherwise as ourselves enjoy even a simple flower blooming throughout its time.
He asked me often how did he look. He asked me often if it showed. And as often as he asked I lied. And as often as I lied he knew I did.
Seemingly the World has not stopped from turning, it might be turning even faster today. I am dizzy from the thoughts, I am tired from the toll, the lids opens up and closes up, some rays come in but never enough to keep the lights on. I feel as I am running and running to no end so afraid to stop and be draped by this dark cape reflecting in such darkness the images of his last days. The World seems so surreal, as I keep asking myself if everyone with such a loss “do they feel as I do?” and is it so much for themselves, or for the one they lost. I am now erased from it all I feel, only finding the Nature he lived within so often with an uncertain uplift as I promised him 5 years ago. The colors of the rocks have remained and kept their brightness, they have weathered over the years, their sharp edges are now dull, rounded and smooth a bit as us when we try to age gracefully when given the chance. His own jagged edges of youth were never given that chance and turned to ashes, colorless and Lifeless without the grasp of a chance to follow its natural path.
And yet throughout even his last days, his words were of wisdom as to hold us up, as his own sacrifice would give ourselves our own chance to go on allowing that wisdom trickling in our souls throughout our duration of the coming years we are allowed to be here. All cannot be just in vain, but what is the ulterior higher purpose of it all? There has to be one… all cannot be just in vain. Did his courage knew the unspoken words I seek daily? Was there a clarity, a distinct path clear to him that I did not hear or see and still do not visualize? Is there a sense to this all and if so, how can there be? His sacrifice and absence are the only reasons of my own path today, a path as a coin with two sides, a path as I know so many envy and yet, not wishing them even the remote adventures on the other side, the dark side, the painful side that fuels my unstoppable search for what I don’t even know myself.
I didn’t know five years ago, I still don’t know today. I don’t know what I don’t know. Numb, still not within the grasp of its past reality as I seek to know, but to know what? The so many explanations I have been given maybe have made sense but never been associated with the true reality of the facts. Talk and thoughts, maybe logical to the mind, maybe the must old scriptures that are suppose to make sense, calm the spirits, smooth out the soul, I just cannot believe any as now, today, at this very moment, nothing can fool me about those beautiful green eyes. They have closed their lids for ever and no words is ever going to bring back the sparks that held us together for those short numbered years.
It is as a path of “no matter” as I reach trying to accomplish something, anything that could fill the moments of the void. His courage has not vanished as much as he has, he is not letting me curl up in this corner to only wait to rejoin him maybe, another uncertain fact of Life. I am so proud of him, I know myself I would never had his own courage of his last days. 5 years ago. He is besides me at all time. He watches the same sunrises and sunsets, he rides along in the wind, he is warm when the fire burns, he is that single hawk that circles over me and lingers on a bit longer, he is that coyote that stands on the side of the road and locks his eyes into mine as we use to, he is that single deer that stands immobile in the near by bushes with no fear of my presence.
And yet, the mind cannot be the reflection of the body. The unreachable only is ahead of me, infinity, as large as the Universe can be, we will never connect again through our own senses, the ones we have been so connected with in the past. The ones that have made us as one. I wonder often where this path is leading to, my thoughts get scrambled so often, the road calls, Mother Nature awaits for me to show her beauty I am so thankful for as without her I don’t know where I would be. It is as she had sheltered him within her wings allowing me to feel glimpses of his presence, his presence now on the other side, I hope a better side and a happier one for him where he has been now for the past 5 years.
There are no words to describe how much I miss you Lance, we had a good run, I won’t let you down, it is not within my nature to do so.
Your Dad… always… Ara