The receiver went cold, the sound faded away as an animated object cold and heartless. I relive that moment over and over. The mind has this ability to transport us so vividly, so true to form to those dark markers that never fade away. It was seven years ago when my Son’s voice blurred out “Dad, they found out that I have Cancer”. My heart jumped a beat and froze in the moment transported suddenly in this vacuumed and deserted space. Why did I not think it would be benign? Why wasn’t it there a sense of forgiveness? How did I know those words echoed of its terminality? I am not a fatalist… I am a positive person… or am I? or was I? Seven years and today has brought another Birthday.
I want to smile from fear that Lance is watching me and the last thing I want him to be is upset at my own day passing by, sitting here in the Desert, today with murky skies and for the first time the clouds are hanging so low that the rays of Sunshine are barely making their way to "The Oasis", as not wanting me to rest my body tired from its emotions. “Tired”… a word unknown to me for so many years and now slowly but surely taking over the past moments that had been filled with so much energy. “Tired” as at times I only look forward to the simple act of sleeping, being unconscious of my surroundings and this test of endurance itself. Maybe waking up surprised that all this has only been a bad dream, a chapter we will be able to delete and relive the happiness that prevailed throughout the not so distant past.
But I know it is not so, I know it so well and speechless in this turmoil all I can find to say is “Damn”… Not a word part of my vocabulary, but I cannot find any others that will go so deep into my exasperation.
How about those eyes? How about that hair? How about that look? That little “mischievous” mind of a child at one time creating so many smiles… I can only alone today take a glance at those photos as I cannot stare at them too long. All so distant and yet so close, but not close enough. I am going back to those days past, that moment when the shutter exposed the image. That was the Life… I was always so amazed to feel, touch and Love my own flesh and blood. I saw it for the first time as a “miracle” of Life.
We had created a Human Being, how incredible that notion is when one thinks how we go on about creating “objects” and “things”. The magic of it all. And I do think about all the good times, think about the ‘chance’ that I have had to be the recipient and the donor of such affection in the midst of our relationship. Bad times were good times, all times were good, all obstacles are to be surmounted, we can only try over and over.
Bossing his cousins around!
And yet, from your absence Lance your touch has never left me. You have made me a believer of a “Spirit” never leaving the stage they have been on. I know you are looking upon me and guiding my steps and what an irony that your “presents” are more today that they ever have been. I try not to let you down as at times it becomes harder than hard to do so. Will make it through this one also as resting here I feel closer to you than ever.
I received this beautiful poem this morning from my Friend Kathy who has also experienced her own loss, I will share it now…
"Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the quick uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die."
Mary Frye 1932
Happy Birthday Lance
Ara & Spirit