I woke up very early today and wrote what is below. We then went on for a ride to clear it all up. North to Enterprise and a bit west of it to its now empty reservoirs and the man made dam almost now unused. We came back South and took the road through Gunlock State Park toward Santa Clara, a suburb of St George. I wanted to hike a bit on the easy trail called "Tava’atsi" where one can go to the top of the cliffs made of the big rocks and admire the Santa Clara river down below on the other side, at one time green pastures for the Natives. The landscape has changed since last year, the rock Art is still there, construction is taking place less than a quarter mile from the trail, a trail the Ancients roamed on for centuries. The developer is calling the new community "The Bellagio"… can you believe it? If they only knew then…
"Mindless turmoil this morning, Spirit is snoring, I have yet to learn how to embrace his own Lifestyle unencumbered from it all, maybe some day I will get there. I am waiting for a part for "White Elephant", it is suppose to be here Wednesday and will able us to start the Journey back to then Texas. Slowly. Moving on never changes, it is always bitter sweet. The excitement to "roll on", cover the miles, let the landscape unwind, make new acquaintances, discover new curves, is always there like a insatiable hunger never fulfilled. At the same time the comfort zone we have both fall into here has almost tucked us away and makes it harder to take that step further from it all. I am already aware of what awaits us in Texas. I am anxious to set foot on the limestone that is awaiting us with a sense of belonging. I already feel an unusual sentiment toward the physical "Oasis of my Soul", I already feel the old scale leveling off, not as a permanent destination, not truly a "home", but a space that will be ours filled with Peace and Serenity. The air will be filled only by our own thoughts and as far as we are, yet over a 1000 miles away, I can sense it as I have never set foot on any land I could call "mine". At the same time I somehow feel, for some reason that I am trying to find out, why I feel selfish if calling it "mine"! It is as I don’t have the right to say so, it truly belongs to Mother Nature and my thoughts are of only borrowing it while we are there with such a desire of sharing it with Friends and Family if the occasion arises.
How things have changed these past two years. My mind wanders to its first days seemingly just a while back. What was the original purpose of it all? Down and out, curled in throughout the nights and days, lost in the bottomless dark hole, we took on for the road unprepared only with the desire to reach brighter moments within the country, physical aspects of it I had experienced in years past. I was searching for "strength" barely assuming that Mother Nature would provide it within my own senses at the time still so raw from the recent emotions created by such a void after Lance’s departure into another World. Isolation was my key, was my savior. I could only deal with myself and Spirit, Spirit… the kind soul that has been by me with never a moment of regret, himself surfacing from his own abuse. As time went on, leaning on each other in often times of pain and sometimes of despair as giving up seemed to be the much easier solution, Mother Nature did not let us down, instead filled us with no rest with her creations awaking our senses on a path of no return.
I take it now as a Gift, a Gift never wrapped but yet full of surprises waiting to be savored from behind this hill or from the end of this road. I suddenly feel fortunate about so much void being slowly tampered as my space is often still empty but its boundaries have been painted in the colors of the sandstone rocks and lit by the many sunrises and sunsets we take the time to witness. The wrapping has slowly shed its bright light within the inner of it all, a dark empty space cannot stay so when its walls are so brightly lit, it can only take on its brightness and stay as such. I am thankful for it.
I often think more and more as Lance having sacrificed his own Life to give myself a better one. To so many this would not make any sense, but as I look at these past two years of soul searching the doubts of such thoughts have slowly disappeared. Almost 5 years ago the bottom dropped and the only path I could turn to where the present Doctors. They put me on the only solution they probably knew to help emerge from my depression, medications which they prescribed and their thoughts that I would use them for at least the coming five years. Did they help? I really don’t know as they only created a blur setting me apart from the harsh reality of it all. As time went on and as the need for work arised very quickly, like an ostrich burying its head in the sand I moved on to a different State yet unprepared to deal with the surrounding personalities one encounters when working. It was a disaster and again I moved on luckily finding a situation where I could bury myself this time working close to one hundred hours per week.
I rented a house, isolated from others on much land, the commute daily would only throw in my face a facet I could not enjoy and when irrational management decisions resulted in closing the place down after such intensive labor, my moral took yet another swing as already my values had changed to a point where nothing truly mattered anymore. What is there to loose when someone has already lost it all? Nothing. Spirit was already in my Life by then, the only ray of sunshine, unconditional companionship, my only dose of comfort and smile and warmth. It was a call, there was no nervousness to the decision to leave it all behind, ready or not we took on for the road, those man made strips of asphalt and dirt and at times rocks that would able us to reach the bright and colorful undemanding wrappings that since have brighten up our Lives.
With no other to talk to besides Spirit, I wanted to keep a Journal, a Journal I considered my other presence. Intimate words of our Life I would express onto those blank pages, pages that have kept me company throughout all those days. A way for the few Friends I had then to maybe follow us as the destinations where as in all actuality are still today unknown to even myself. Destinations do not count for much as we will never reach where we are going, we can only learn to enjoy the Journey as every day and every step are continuously the many destinations Life provides.
"The Bellagio"… coming up in your neighborhood.
And a new facet has emerged, has been emerging for a bit now. Friends… and just recently Family. Ahead of it all I have to say how badly I feel not able to reply to each of the comments we receive. But I have to express that my thoughts are with the ones writing it, I do reply to them all in my own fashion through thanking you while here. They are so appreciated and have elevated my spirits to higher levels. They are my daily doses of smiles and sanity through sometimes still moments of incertitude. And the Friends that we have met. The Friends that have adopted us as part of their own Family, opened up their home is if it was ours, they also sustain us through now this Journey that takes on a new face every day. And just a couple days ago, meeting my Sister never met before with the promise to also soon meet the rest of the Family, it is as slowly the blanks are being filled all around, one at the time the little pegs standing are dropping making room for a substance of Life I have not experienced in so long.
And so, how can I not feel Lance’s sacrifice toward my present Life that is becoming so rich filled with such feelings, fulfilled senses and sights that only have been mostly seen through Magazines and only dreamt upon. He has erased himself from my Life only to give me his own landscape in such much more richer aspect. What an irony, what sadness and joy all mixed in within one space and yet, I would give it all up in a heartbeat for just one more hug of his."
Two years of Photography is finally in order on SmugMug… In "Your Favorites", organized also in "States", some even labeled "first year" and second year". Feel free to browse, you can even use the slide show mode and have fun. Merchandise is available also through SmugMug.
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Be well, always. Ara & Spirit