Happy Birthday Lance

Saturday, October 13th, 2007

The Stars where bright last night as I looked up into the darkness of the night without a moon and looked for you. I know you were there watching as you have done since you left us, I am so sorry that I get angry lately because you are not here… I miss you so much and there are no words strong enough that will express it. This one is for you buddy… this Journey has always been dedicated to you, but today, this day, tougher and harder than others, well, I so much wish you were here. My flesh and blood… how can this be?

The storm has passed you know, but the ripples remain. 30 years today, you are 30 years old today. But I will not get to hug you, mess up your hair, sing for you, watch you eat your favorite cake, tease you… how can there be joy when only tears roll down this face unable to smile today. There is a lump in my throat, I cannot swallow my emotions, the questions have still been left behind unanswered and the wall has only grown taller and higher, I cannot even see the other side anymore as much as I try.

I have taken a beautiful path lately Lance, I know it because I write about it and the pictures are here to prove it. You tell me so. You wanted me to… “it’s all good” were your last words… but as my own thoughts keep slamming on this unfinished and rough cement bottom, I sometimes just don’t know anymore, my despair becomes overwhelming and the more time passes by as I am left standing here all alone, the more I miss your presence and the aura radiated by you just being.

Fair, unfair, unjust… who knows anymore as I truly don’t. I am only left numb to endure the injustice which made you so much suffer specially on your last days. What faith turned this beautiful young man that you are into the pictures that I want to forget and not remember you as such? I want to scream out loud, bring you back, and at the same time I bow under the weight of this life that has added this giant black hole I feel sinking in deeper and deeper.

My Journey is my savior, my site is my sound board, comments and e mails of strangers and friends extending kindly their own emotions toward us are my portals to the world, to the bit of Sunshine that tries to warm me up daily. Mother Nature is the only stage I know how to walk on anymore. How lucky can I be that she has embraced me so tightly to make some of my days more tolerable than others.

Spirit has become my faithful companion, taking care of each other, beat up and almost stripped from his own soul himself not too long ago from much abuse, we both stand together trying to cope with it all the best we can. He is all I have… I am all he has… we are alike and so often lean on each other for the support needed to keep us going.

Where did it all go wrong when it was so right? Why did my boy did not even see the hope of his first 30 years? And still, with twice the years on my shoulders here I stand… I received a comment a few days ago expressing that it seems through my writing that “I feel content…”. The “space” labeled “outdoor” is content to feel and experience what you see in pictures, but seems to have a missing partition with another “space” where Lance’s images are bursting colorless with only shades of grey searching for a light. Sometimes the blending is just too much to handle and I patiently wait for the tumultuous waves to subside and regain composure as I try to confront them with my head high and proud… as he would have wanted me to.

 

I cannot give up… could I? Too easy that way… right? The seasons will go on, as I will as long as I am allowed. The leaves with turn brown and gold, they will drop to reappear yearly as this Birthday will, as the Anniversary of his departure will, I can only hope that I am planted strongly enough to not get uprooted some day by too much emotions.

At the same time, I know too well that I am not the only one wearing this coat of emotions. I thought I was for a long time… but the reality was not so as it seems that every family has suffered such a loss… I cannot be the bad example and quit in my tracks… my thoughts are also with you all that are on this path… and I thank you all that have always send me some words of support throughout this past year. They have meant a lot to me, they are each that bridge toward the island of spiritual comfort, I hope that some day we will meet and the words will turn into hugs.

Happy Birthday Lance with the wish that those green eyes are full of the new Life you have embraced. I miss you… I miss you so much.

Ara

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13 Responses to “Happy Birthday Lance”

  1. JamesTexas Says:

    Happy Birthday ….Ara …..its yours too. Watch the sun rise and set. Peace to you both.

  2. Thomas Says:

    Ara,

    I join you in loss today, as it is also my father’s birthday, may he rest in peace – he didn’t live to be much older than Lance was, yet I was old enough to know him. Thanks for the lovely thoughts and pictures.

  3. Lehi Says:

    An amazingly poetic and touching tribute. Thank you for your words. Beautiful.

  4. geode Says:

    Hi Ara, … Hi Spirit, … my thoughts are with you today. Wishing you peace and understanding. be well, g

  5. Gene S. Says:

    I wanted to write some words of support and encouragement, but find that I am at a loss after reading of your pain. I am ususally not at a loss as I am a seasoned psychotherapist, but I find myself searching my own pain if I ever loss my son, my only child. If I could offer anything, it is to remember him with all the love that you possess, cherish the time you did have with him (not the loss) and keep yourself in the present, keep some sort of tangible item with you all the time so that you carry his love with you. I keep a laminated photo of my son and grandson on the RV’s dashboard so that I always feel they are with me and I am never alone. I sense you must talk with your son, as I know that I would. Hopefully in time your sadness will be replaced by only pleasant memories of the time you had together. I’ll be thinking about you. It’s good to know that people in the world think of others.

  6. Gene S. Says:

    I wanted to write some words of support and encouragement, but find that I am at a loss after reading of your pain. I am ususally not at a loss as I am a seasoned psychotherapist, but I find myself searching my own pain if I ever loss my son, my only child. If I could offer anything, it is to remember him with all the love that you possess, cherish the time you did have with him (not the loss) and keep yourself in the present, keep some sort of tangible item with you all the time so that you carry his love with you. I keep a laminated photo of my son and grandson on the RV’s dashboard so that I always feel they are with me and I am never alone. I sense you must talk with your son, as I know that I would. Hopefully in time your sadness will be replaced by only pleasant memories of the time you had together. I’ll be thinking about you. It’s good to know that people in the world think of others.

    That was a wonderful tribute (and I love your photos!)

  7. joe Says:

    I don’t have the good comeback line to ease your pain, Ara, but you’re not alone in your suffering. I lost my closest brother a few years ago, and though its not the same as your only son, the burden is lifelong. Be well and pet Spirit.

  8. Kevin Vaughn Says:

    Happy Birthday Lance. My thoughts are with you and Spirit tonight Ara.

  9. Ben D Says:

    Ara: I can only repeat the words written by Gene S. – as I go through your thoughts & pictures of Lance, my mind brings up a picture of my daughter & I ponder how I would feel at the loss of my only child – I know I would be devastated…as you clearly have been…there are no answers why things like this happen…you have taken your loss & turned it into a personal memorial to Lance…every day, every picture, every blog, every encounter with new and old friends becomes part of the legacy between you & Lance…we are fortunate that you share so much with us…I know it has made me make certain to maintain close contact with my parents, siblings, and particularly my daughter! Take care & hope to see you soon, Ben.

  10. Squire Says:

    I would like to see a detailed write up on you BMW and hack. Explanning what you carry and why. Thanks.

  11. conchscooter Says:

    He’s a lucky man to be so missed.

  12. Ginny Says:

    I didn’t know you lost a son until today. I didn’t even know about your blog until only a few days ago. I am so deeply touched by your writing and what you feel. I can only imagine the pain but I do know something of suffering and do understand the deep profound pull nature has on us and how we pull on each other too. I am terribly sorry for the loss you suffer. I don’t know the history, the back story or any of it, but find myself in tears now because I can really feel what you portray in these pictures and in your writing. It’s beautiful and tragic…a powerful combination.

    I hope to someday go to these places you’ve been…when I get there I will think about you and your loved ones.

  13. Rob Wooster Says:

    Ara,
    This is my first visit to your site (24Nov07) and must convey that Thanksgiving Day was fantastic. I can only briefly, and in a small way relate to your loss – by the loss of my younger brother (1981) @ 26 yrs, and my Mom (2000) @ 70 yrs. I feel as I’ve gained a new friend and I’m richer for the experience. Rob Wooster.

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