The Stars where bright last night as I looked up into the darkness of the night without a moon and looked for you. I know you were there watching as you have done since you left us, I am so sorry that I get angry lately because you are not here… I miss you so much and there are no words strong enough that will express it. This one is for you buddy… this Journey has always been dedicated to you, but today, this day, tougher and harder than others, well, I so much wish you were here. My flesh and blood… how can this be?
The storm has passed you know, but the ripples remain. 30 years today, you are 30 years old today. But I will not get to hug you, mess up your hair, sing for you, watch you eat your favorite cake, tease you… how can there be joy when only tears roll down this face unable to smile today. There is a lump in my throat, I cannot swallow my emotions, the questions have still been left behind unanswered and the wall has only grown taller and higher, I cannot even see the other side anymore as much as I try.
I have taken a beautiful path lately Lance, I know it because I write about it and the pictures are here to prove it. You tell me so. You wanted me to… “it’s all good” were your last words… but as my own thoughts keep slamming on this unfinished and rough cement bottom, I sometimes just don’t know anymore, my despair becomes overwhelming and the more time passes by as I am left standing here all alone, the more I miss your presence and the aura radiated by you just being.
Fair, unfair, unjust… who knows anymore as I truly don’t. I am only left numb to endure the injustice which made you so much suffer specially on your last days. What faith turned this beautiful young man that you are into the pictures that I want to forget and not remember you as such? I want to scream out loud, bring you back, and at the same time I bow under the weight of this life that has added this giant black hole I feel sinking in deeper and deeper.
My Journey is my savior, my site is my sound board, comments and e mails of strangers and friends extending kindly their own emotions toward us are my portals to the world, to the bit of Sunshine that tries to warm me up daily. Mother Nature is the only stage I know how to walk on anymore. How lucky can I be that she has embraced me so tightly to make some of my days more tolerable than others.
Spirit has become my faithful companion, taking care of each other, beat up and almost stripped from his own soul himself not too long ago from much abuse, we both stand together trying to cope with it all the best we can. He is all I have… I am all he has… we are alike and so often lean on each other for the support needed to keep us going.
Where did it all go wrong when it was so right? Why did my boy did not even see the hope of his first 30 years? And still, with twice the years on my shoulders here I stand… I received a comment a few days ago expressing that it seems through my writing that “I feel content…”. The “space” labeled “outdoor” is content to feel and experience what you see in pictures, but seems to have a missing partition with another “space” where Lance’s images are bursting colorless with only shades of grey searching for a light. Sometimes the blending is just too much to handle and I patiently wait for the tumultuous waves to subside and regain composure as I try to confront them with my head high and proud… as he would have wanted me to.
I cannot give up… could I? Too easy that way… right? The seasons will go on, as I will as long as I am allowed. The leaves with turn brown and gold, they will drop to reappear yearly as this Birthday will, as the Anniversary of his departure will, I can only hope that I am planted strongly enough to not get uprooted some day by too much emotions.
At the same time, I know too well that I am not the only one wearing this coat of emotions. I thought I was for a long time… but the reality was not so as it seems that every family has suffered such a loss… I cannot be the bad example and quit in my tracks… my thoughts are also with you all that are on this path… and I thank you all that have always send me some words of support throughout this past year. They have meant a lot to me, they are each that bridge toward the island of spiritual comfort, I hope that some day we will meet and the words will turn into hugs.
Happy Birthday Lance with the wish that those green eyes are full of the new Life you have embraced. I miss you… I miss you so much.